Celestia1Casual Contributor
TW: Suicidal Ideation
For a very long time, I have lived with the extremely strong desire to Stop Existing. I have used various methods of coping with this strong desire, some more effective than others.
Currently, I am using a mixture of tactics, from reminding myself there is no one here to deal with the mess, to telling myself I just have to do something else for 5 more minutes, and then 5 more minutes, and then 5 more... like when I quit smoking, all those years ago.
I am also choosing to focus my energy on things I can do. I often find myself repeating "the action I can take now is..." and finding the end of the sentence to be something that continues to keep me alive. Like eating, or taking care of my body, or buying groceries.
And still, I deeply do not want to Exist.
It's exhausting.
The fact is, when I inevitably do die:
- that someone will need to dispose of my belongings, and (sorry, but) presumably, my corpse, and
- that I don't have anyone in my life that I want charged with that responsibility, and
- that I lack the wealth or power to make choices about that for myself now, while I still have the ability to advocate for myself
takes up a large amount of my brain's processing power on a daily basis. I think about how I might gain enough money to pay for my "disposal" in advance. Or about how I might meet enough people to have sufficient witnesses for a will. Or about how I can make sure my family don't get given these responsibilities by default.
I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by sharing this. I have survived like this for years, white-knuckling existence. I know I'm capable of survival.
Maybe it's inertia. My body is alive, so it continues being alive. To make it Not Alive requires action, force, energy, change. But all my energy is being sent in the direction of Staying Alive, because that's what it's always done.
Anyway. If you got this far, thanks for reading. I really hope this isn't an experience anyone resonates with, as it's torturous, and I do not recommend it. One day, if I have the energy, I'll write the universe a strongly worded zero star review.
