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Despair potential trigger: abuse

hiddeniteSenior Contributor30 Jan 2015, 8:13 pm AEDT

Despair potential trigger: abuse

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression.

I saw a trauma psychologist for 10 months twice a week, but she stopped seeing me when my safety became an issue while processing the trauma.

My symptoms are so bad now I isolate myself in the car everyday to avoid triggers and flashbacks. Unable to go to strange places, talk to people. Just don't belong anywhere. Anxiety so bad I shake most of the time, chest pain and hard to breathe... This isn't living......

I'm too damaged to be helped, I have tried but no one will help me..... They just tell me its too complex and they are unable to help. I don't know what do do I have no support isolated, alone and scared....

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In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 7:59 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

@hiddenite, I admire you all the more, for finding us online..you're obviously a quick learner with mobile phones..I have trouble typing on the touchscreen.
Understand the feeling of not wanting to be around other people.
Hoping your GP keeps advocating for you to get help...and please use the numbers Nik's given you, you are worth it..

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

NikNikSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:02 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

@hiddennite

It's heartbreaking to read about your experiences. No one deserves to go through what you are going through.

@Alessandra1992 hit the nail on the head when she described you as brave. Being brave isn't about feeling great and always feeling positive, brave is when you're at the lowest point and you still get up.

You have done that by coming here and also calling Suicide Call Back service. You aren't wasting their or our time - it's what we are here for and what SCB is here for.

Is there anything that you can do to look after yourself tonight, whether that be a distraction (reading etc) or using Lifeline chat - whatever works for you?

We will be here too 🙂

In response to: Re: Despair

NikNikSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:06 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

PS: You seem to be doing well with the whole internet thing. I'm glad you have found these forums and seem to using them well.

I'm not sure if you have used Lifeline crisis chat before.. but just to reassure you, it's quite easy to use and if you have troubles, someone from lifeline can explain it over the phone.

In response to: Re: Despair

hiddeniteSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:19 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

Thanks for the hug I really need that about now.

Hard typing while shaking all the time.

I'm finding this sight really difficult because of the pictures of the men. Sorry men are a trigger. I'm sorry I don't want to offend anyone, I can answer posts from men...... Just the picture so stupid....

That's how pathetic I am.

Need to find something to hold on to when I want to let go.

I appreciate your help

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:37 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

You're not alone about the picture..I think that's popped up in the feedback section of the forum.you're not pathetic either...
I don't see the picture often as I tend to click through posts using back button...
Stay strong @hiddenite, shaking is pretty hard yakka...

In response to: Re: Despair

NikNikSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:41 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

Not pathetic at all.. it's a natural reaction.

@Alessandra1992 is a pro at those virtual hugs!

We'll be here for a few more hours tonight, if chatting would be helpful?

In response to: Re: Despair

hiddeniteSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 8:55 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

I find it hard to believe that other people feel the same things as me I just feel like a freak.

Have to go to bed with my clothes on, have to have a bag packed next to the bed. Unable to go through a closed door. If I'm in a room I have to have a way out.... Always have to have a way out. I'm sure no one else is like this. An escape plan of sorts.

Today is the anniversary of him horribly violating me. Didn't fight just let it happen....

I deserved it...

Things are so dark

In response to: Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 9:02 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

Sounds very sane to me given what you have been through..
Please don't underestimate yourself..what you did was stay alive.. And not fighting may have been the key..
And no, you didn't deserve it..
No one can ever predict how they will react in traumatic circumstances. Some people talk about fight or flight, and forget freeze..which also is not in our control..

In response to: Re: Despair

NikNikSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 9:16 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

Anniversaries are the worst. Of course that's going to be incredibly triggering for you.

Sadly, what you do is very common for those who have experienced abuse. It's your unconscious survival skills kicking in. That's what us humans do to cope and survive.

Some of the things that people who have been abused experience include;

-low self esteem
-difficulty in forming/maintaining relationships
-anxiety
-self degradation
-chronic stress
-uncontrolled or rapid anger response
-memory loss
-loss of concentration or productivity
-self-abusive behaviour
-frequent crying
-passivity
-unusual fear response
-increased watchfulness
-sleep disturbances
-phobias
-depression
-eating disorders
-obsessive compulsive disorder
-suicidal thoughts
-post-traumatic stress disorder
-dissociation

What happened to you is not okay. You didn't cause the pain you are going through, and you do/did not deserve it.

Have you spoken to anyone from the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service? You can contact them on 1800 737 732 (24/7)

They will have a good understanding of what you are experiencing and perhaps can offer some new advice/referrals.

They also have online counselling if talking on the phone is a bit too much. You can find their online counselling: https://www.1800respect.org.au/telephone-and-online-counselling/#online

Like I said, It's not you who caused this, and you definitely don't deserve it.

In response to: Re: Despair

hiddeniteSenior Contributor31 Jan 2015, 9:18 pm AEDT

Re: Despair

People judge and are so cruel, I cannot help or stop what is happening to me, they think just because I shake I must be on drugs. Think I'm a snob because I cannot talk to them or make eye contact. Just wish someone understands that I'm not a bad person. I'm more scared of them.

Ii feel so ashamed of my thoughts and how dark they are, I don't think anyone can understand that either.

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