Schema's schema's schema's

Hi all

I've recently spoken about my schema's with my therapist that are impacting my perception of my reality. They appear to be very strong and I understand that I;ve had these ways of coping for over 2 decades and it's going to take time to help it. At the moment I have a mantra written on my phone lockscreeen, "I'm here for you. You don't have to do this alone." It speaks to my younger self that didn't get my emotional needs met even from infancy (which was quite shocking to hear in the session). It's a healthy adult voice that feels and sounds so foreign when i say it.

I relate it to taking medication. I started a few months ago now and the initial weeks were challenging. I did it every day and it has definitely helped. I'm doing the same with the mantra. I think it's longer away than it is. I feel dissapointed and sad that I have to re-parent myself. I feel like I miss out on enjoying life to the fullest because I have to be more attune to myself than how I imagine others would be.

It's like I am who I am in spite of my parents.

I've been working on identifying the maladaptive schema's that come up in everyday life and the body feeling that takes over is very frustrating. It's reacting straight away, get's tense, it freezes.I don't feel or think that there's nothing to worry about in these circumstances. I am worried about confrontation because I will try and have a boundary and say something that makes me feel a certain way but don't get listened to.

The worst part about the triggering of the schema's is when it happens with friends. When I'm hanging with them and I get put into this trance-like state where I pretty much cannot think and unsee them as a bad person now. In those moments I want to leave so I can get clarity and help myself. It's hard to push through. If I don't push through, I get less time to hang with people. I'm getting used to silences when hanging out too. Not talking all the time, just spending time being there.

Any thoughts or comments are welcome. I felt like I needed to write to a place that understands more about schema's than just my therapist.

Look after yourselves.