Need help, struggling to resolve issues and support my partner with BPD

Hey @AnonymousAngel ,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for reaching out.

First and foremost, good on you for doing whatever you can to support your partner. I recognise it is not easy at all.

I will do my best to share my experiences below, but please remember that these are only my experiences and we are all different.

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens, early adulthood. I had extreme emotional dysregulation and really struggled in life. When I loved, I loved to the max. But when I hated, I hated to the core. This was my life and I totalyl accept that life was hellish for a lot of people around me.

As a borderline, what I foudn most helpful for me:

1) people to do what they say and say what they do. That is, if you tell me you are going to call me at 5pm, then do it. If you call at 5:01pm, it can send my brain to every doomish thought possible.

2) people to set themselves clear boundaries about what they can and can't to - and stick to it. I am so mindful of carer burnout. For me, clear boundaries were set including, "If you self harm and need treatment, I will call the hospital"; "If you are aggressive, I will walk away and will contact you in one hour". By setting these boundaries, I knew what to expect - even if I tried to push the boundaries.

3) for people to strike when the iron is cold - that is, do NOT try to reason with me when I'm heightened and triggered. This will only lead to hurt on both sides.

4) people to give me choice e.g. "You can choose to go to the hospital or you can choose to give me your self harm items"

I know this is a lot, but I really encourage you to look after yourself because it is so so so important to prevent compassion fatigue. I can see you care about your partner a lot.

Which state do you reside in? I may be able to share some services with you that are free of charge. (No need to share exact location due to anonymity guidelines)

hi @AnonymousAngel i have a personality disorder/cptsd and i can relate to some parts of what your partner says -

i don't like cbt either, and although i've had therapy, i didn't always feel it helped.

One thing that struck me as I read your post is that there are other ways to get help besides therapy

If he doesn't believe in therapy, there are other places - like peer support groups, helplines, community hubs, there's also social workers, psychiatrists, psych nurses, OTs, besides from psychologists.

I recently attended a psychoeducation group and we learnt that there are many treatments for BPD outside of DBT. And DBT also has different parts to it. I agree with you though, that getting help is his responsibility.

I do find it hard as well when people tell me to go to therapy. If I call lifeline, and they start telling me to look on the APS website for a psychologist, I hang up.

I feel like telling someone to go to therapy is like telling someone to eat well - it's not really effective, and it's hard to hear, and doesn't necessarily motivate change.

Therapy is about relationships, so finding a trusted person is really hard for me as someone with a personality disorder. Finding someone who hears me and is curious about me.

I think that is when I started to feel better, when I felt I had someone who was invested. I didn't find it at first from therapy.

I found it from a Save Haven, a supportive drop in centre for people going through a hard time. Recovery is comprised of many parts.

I also have private health insurance, which is expensive, but enables me to attend outpatient groups and have admissions to hospital, which may not always be encouraged for people with BPD but can help. In my experience one service links to another, and then another. The smallest steps have large ramifications x

Hi @tyme , thank you so much for sharing your experiences and what's helped you. I feel that they are actually very relevant to us as well.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask how and when you've come to realise how your particular reactions and behaviour affected the people around you. What helped you hold yourself accountable for your actions and try to improve things?

We are residing in Victoria. Thank you again for your help!

Hi @EternalFlower , thank you so much for sharing your perspective. A lot of what I've read and heard was that therapy was essential for managing BPD, so I haven't really considered the value of other sources before!

He's described how disconnected and distrustful of everyone he feels, and he seems to have accepted that there's nothing that can help how things are anymore. So I feel that encouraging him to open up and trust that there is potential for change would be quite difficult.

What kind of words or actions would you suggest I could take to help him feel more open to or consider reaching out? As I said, I've suggested seeing a GP or psychologist framing it as my concern about how much he is struggling to cope.

@AnonymousAngel hey there i don't mean to minimise its just some of us have had anyone who meets us tell us we need therapy (in my case coz i had attempts at my life) so it can be triggering

I don't know that therapy is the only way to get help

in hospitals they have - art therapy, animal therapy, walking groups, music, gardening - i tihnk therapy is a big scope of things. Also some people find psychologists not as helpful as social workers etc.

A GP with mental health understanding is a great start but i guess if he doesn't want to go then he won't - but i also hear his point, going to the GP is the first step of many steps and doesn't necessarily guarantee linked in with a program or therapist -

i wander if you could talk about what happens at the GP, or if you were there with him, and u can leave if it goes bad etc - an exit plan? I remember a freind told me to call LIfeline - and if I didn't like it - to hang up . I think empathising with the fear, and going step by step with what could happen, might help but I am not sure entirely if it is different as he is your partner - as I'm speaking as a woman, and of help I received from my other friends.

I think maybe he hears this notion that a psychologist has all the answers and needs reassurance that some don't, some are bad, but there may be a young/hip psychologist or psychiatrist who he can relate to as a peer - not a psych - and like more as "a person" - so i guess more focusing on the person, the name, their vibe, their attitude, then the general concept that a psychologist (or program like Spectrum for example) has all the answers.

---

@AnonymousAngel wrote:

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask how and when you've come to realise how your particular reactions and behaviour affected the people around you. What helped you hold yourself accountable for your actions and try to improve things?

We are residing in Victoria. Thank you again for your help!

---

Hey @AnonymousAngel ,

Hope you are well.

Now in response to your question: due to my poor mental health, I disconnected from as many people as I could. The more I was around people, the more I felt my BPD was triggered. Therefore, I picked up everything and moved interstate - to Victoria.

At first, I thought everything would be solved. My 'triggers' were gone. And yes, things were great for the first 6 months or so, but it was downhill from then.

This was when it I came to the realisation that the issue was ME and not everyone else.

From here, I flipped and floundered a bit... until I came to the bottom of life....

I had to be ready to make changes. I wasn't ready earlier in my life.

Some resources for either you or your partner in Vic and online are:

- Australian BPD Foundation: They have a newsletter you can sign up to which shares different programs and services

- Spectrum Carers Support: Support Groups

- Spectrum BPD Awareness Week Programs

- Project Air e-learning modules

In Melbourne, besides mentalisation-based therapy, when I needed more intensive supports out of hospital, I had some planned PARCs admissions. These are prevention and recovery centres. However, with these, clients need to be ready to make changes as part of their recovery. It's not like a hospital. PARCs are voluntary and have a low tolerance for risk.

Hope these resources help a bit.

Hi @tyme , thank you for sharing that. I see that no one can make someone be ready to accept change and the work needed for them. Those resources are also really helpful for the future.