Depression

Hey @Yerta , you're not alone. I recognise a lot of those thoughts from myself too sometimes. I know how hard it can be at times, and you're so brave for reaching out - thank you. 💜

I dont want to overwhelm you with a too-long response (im very guilty of this too often!) But I am 100% happy to chat with you through these thoughts and feelings, and explore ways that might help you manage day to day, and various supports that you may be able to reach out too additionally to here.

But I will let you guide me as to what you would like.😊

Are you adult children aware of how you're feeling? Im sorry you feel they dont care or have time for you. 😟

Thank you so much for sharing your internal monologue with us @Yerta. What you have expressed is very raw and relatable, and I hope you get some responses that reflect back just how human your experience is. And when we experience every day pain, overwhelm, or a sense of aloneness like this, it is truly so much for the body and mind to hold. Grief is complex, nuanced, and not something we can easily push aside. So no, you are not being overly sensitive or emotional - your feelings are more than valid. You deserve time, grace, compassion... please know I am holding space for this; you are allowed to show up 'imperfectly' here, there are no requirements for you to achieve or be productive. We invite you to simply be where you're at.

I can hear that you aren't feeling seen, heard, or supported by those around you, and that in itself is painful. I am getting the sense that not having slow, soft understanding is what's making it so hard to show up right now. You also mentioned your soul being tired... I hear you. What do you think your soul needs most in this moment? Perhaps we can start there?

Also, it would be so helpful to know if you are safe today. Talk soon. 💛

@AuntGlow

my soul just needs a physical hug. Where I feel safe and loved.

i know I know you are supposed to love yourself but 50+ years of doing it all by yourself........ I know that getting that hug doesn't exist for me. So what do I do?
I am so broken and don't have the money to "fix" that broken. There are soooo many broken pieces. Forced adoption with a high special needs bio son, always felt out of place. Wasn't allowed to complain etc because I was 'normal'

marriage was just like raising another kid. Might as well have never married. Took until I was 40 to leave him. Took the time to raise my 2 youngest while supporting my eldest through drug addiction and jail. (He's all good now)

nearly every single person that I have let into my life has lied, hurt and stolen from me. I worked in a high stress nurse job. Left after 10 1/2 years. My bio mum died 15 years ago. My adoptive mum 4 years ago. My brother 9 months ago.

was in an extremely abusive relationship for 2 years....... secretly 4. Faced homelessness and got moved out to the countryside where I know nobody and it's too far for my kids to visit on any sort of regular basis.

i would love to be able to go see them and go see a couple of 'friends' but I just can not afford to.

it's a never ending spiral of nothing working out for me no matter how much I want it or how much effort I put into it.

I honestly feel like I am not worth anything to anyone. I have tried and tried to pull myself out of this darkness but nothing works. I don't know how much longer I can do it for. I'm so tired mentally and emotionally which in turn physically also. I don't eat properly, sleep properly etc etc.

just don't even know how to put myself as an actual priority, I never have. It's always been putting everyone else first and then all of a sudden I am completely on my own.

I don't qualify for dsp. Yet I am so not well enough to work at the moment, wondering if I ever will be. It's getting all too hard. Can't mask anymore.
And then with all this, I feel guilty feeling this way and makes me feel sick.
I consider all the time about going to a psych ward to get proper help but am scared from all the horror stories and also feel guilty for taking up someone else's bed who might need it more.
arghhhh

@AuntGlow

I am physically safe, just don't feel mentally safe. I am not suicidal, just passively thinking about what reasons are there for me to stay. No one cares. I'm alone and lonely. Have anxiety to the max about joining groups etc. I just do not trust anyone anymore.

I care, @Yerta . I know that doesn't count for much when you don't know me. But I care, and there are more caring people here and out in the world; I hope you will find some local to you to also give your the physical company when you need a person around you too. There is hope for that.

Psych care is soo unaffordable, I agree. 😟 although there are often some free programs run for short-term treatment by either public hospitals or not for profit organisations - like SANE have the Guided Recovery program which includes some 1:1 support I read.

If there are not suitable - as I recall you said you moved a bit more rural - there are quite a few psychologists who will bulkbill consults via the phone/video (telehealth) if you get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP doctor.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/counselling have a search where you can look for one's who do online and also see if they are eligible with Medicare and how much they charge per session (and whether they bulkbill)

Yes you're right @AlwaysMyself .

The Guided Recovery is a 16 wk program with 1:1 support. You can apply for it here: https://www.sane.org/referral And yes, it's free of charge.

@Yerta

I can hear how complex things are for you right now and that is completely understandable, these experiences are never black and white, are they? @Yerta

Would it be okay if we explored some more of the grey areas here?

For example, I can hear that you feel no one cares, but do you know this to be 100% true, or does it just feel like no one cares right now? I know my brain can think in absolutes when my emotions are heightened. 💛

And I know that you are thinking of reasons not stay... however, do you have one or two reasons to stay?

Lastly, I understand why you would be finding trust hard and you are allowed to feel all that you are feeling. Connecting with new people and letting them in may take some time, so maybe we can look at slowly creating more connection here where it's anonymous first. What do you think? ☺️