Suicidal thoughts

Hello,

Im new here and I joined because it was recommended to me as a peer support chat group. I want to feel less alone with the thoughts I’m having of wanting to end my life; Has anyone else lived with suicidal thoughts for most of their life? I started having these thoughts when I was 25 and I’m now 54. I’ve survived nearly 30 years of wanting to end my life (on and off, with some large gaps in between), but each time the thoughts come back I say to myself “this is it.This time it’s over.” The suicidal thoughts always seem to come when I’m in a relationship and feeling unsupported and trying to avoid criticism. I have Autism and ADHD, and depression, anxiety and cyclothymia. I’ve set myself high standards in the past and have tried to impress or please others. I’ve also judged my own worth on what I achieve or produce. My most recent collapse into suicidal thoughts has followed a 12 month period of me trying to taper my SSRI and have also stopped a mood stabiliser. I’m in anew relationship which has been challenging. A therapist tried to enemy to be on my own but I couldn’t help myself. I fell for the familiar feelings of comfort and the dopamine release of meeting someone new and getting to know them. My father died one year ago and I’ve moved house. I’m going to see a mental health specialist at the local hospital tomorrow, and my GP on Monday. I will most likely start meds again.