lesbian break-up rage hypomania overwhelmed autism/cptsd/ocd/adhd guys I need connection

Hello! I am going through a breakup and looking back I had multiple volatile psychotic substance-induced breaks maybe four or five over the year and a half we were together. I know it's my fault because I chose to drink but I also feel angry with my ex partner because I loved her so much and she was never sure of me and she would abandon me in conflict, blame me, make me feel like I was too much and a burden. She said I was abusive and I held myself to account for everything she said like being jealous, paranoid she would cheat (it was a lingering anxiety from my first relationship and being cheated on also she told me a few times she was scared she was going to cheat on me) and she said it was abusive I kept texting her when she didn't want me to (like once she was driving in a storm with her friend who had crashed a car on drugs before and I was so so anxious I couldn't stop texting and she was so mad at me and then she left me and our apartment and it all just felt so out of the blue but she said she had been feeling this for a while) then she took me back and said she was sorry and she didn't mean it. I am so confused. I am so so confused about who I am after this relationship. I know I have been volatile and abusive emotionally and lost friends in the past so I am not discrediting my impact. I have been hospitalised multiple times. I just feel like I am really trying and it's not enough. I will never be a good person maybe? Even when I am. I always fuck up. Something always happens. I feel like the whole relationship she actually potentially was treating me terribly like my friends are telling me because she would love bomb me and then discard me over and over and I just feel like an idiot really. I feel pathetic. I feel like a huge fool. I am so full of love but I am such an idiot. I would drink til psychosis every time I felt this feeling I didn't know what it was. I think it was the reality that she didn't love me or didn't know how to. I loved her so much I thought she loved me the same way. I think she didn't actually love me from the start but she would write me letters about how I was a part of her purpose. Maybe she felt like I had to be otherwise why had she endured all the difficult periods where I was mentally unstable for nothing. During those periods she made things worse. When we travelled she made things worse. She would tell me she didn't know if she wanted me and it triggered my abandonment wounds. I feel like I'm coming across like a monster all the time. Like she thought I didn't know how to have fun. I am a very fun bubbly funny person and I love to adventure. She made me feel like I always brought her down. I know her friends and family were compassionate when I relapsed the last time before we broke up but honestly I am probably bad news in their eyes. I really tried my best I would cook for her and plan nice dates and I would always be there for her if she needed me but she always had the lingering feeling she didn't want me. She didn't want me and she didn't love me. I feel heartbroken and I feel like its that fact that made me relapse so many times because it would bleed through no matter how hard I tried or how good things got. It was never enough for her because she never felt the same way. It didn't matter how I loved her. I didn't matter. I was the loudest person in the relationship but ultimately I didn't matter to her. She tried it on, it wasn't for her and that's that. And I feel sick to my stomach