How can I be more confident?

@AlwaysMyselfI think your idea on how I should go about talking to my partner is very good.

I thought about it for a while and lot of my worry about height stems from a fear of not having something that my partner finds really attractive (i.e. not just slightly more attractive, but significantly more).

I always assumed that women were into guys who were just taller than them, not necessarily someone who is tall. I would think there logically should be a point that is too tall relative to the woman's height, and anything more is unattractive. In that case I would be around a good height for my partner.

From all of my past experiences however, I have heard that height is maybe not the only factor, but is an extremely attractive one. More so than any other male physical feature. That isn't good for me because it means I lack the most important physical feature for men. My experience is I guess somewhat limited, but it is all I have at the moment.

I would definitely consider you as around my age. I just wanted to clarify, when you said that the women my age you know aren't "fussed" about height, does that mean they prefer tall guys but are willing to "settle for" a short guy because there aren't enough tall guys to go around? Or do they genuinely not care about height (as in they wouldn't be more attracted to me if I was 6'5 as opposed to 5'6) assuming that 5'6 is already taller the the women are?

I always assumed the latter case is extremely unlikely (maybe 1 in every 1000+ women), but do you have a different view?

@Sevismo I dont think many females really do care about height. Generally speaking, they say women are much less visual (and more connection focused) than males when it comes to romantic attraction

However in reality it doesnt matter what any other female other than her thinks at the moment, does it? If she is happy with you not being 6'+, are you OK with it within yourself?

Has there been past relationships where you feel they just "settled" for you? Or felt that your height was unattractive?

I wondering whether some of the anxiety around it could be stemming from past hurt and experiences, or whether its solely from what you have read/heard from others?

Unfortunately the only way you can know for sure is to ask her.

Given how anxious you feel about not knowing, and not wanting to be "settled for" if she is not attracted, *is it* worse to not ask than to ask (even if she said that she wasnt attracted)? Would it be better to know and not be in limbo, i wonder?

It sounds like a bit of a rock and a hard place - the be anxious not knowing, or to risk the possibility you may not like the answer.

Im very much a "rip the bandaid off" person when it comes to me, so I do tend to ask a person - even if i do it in indirect ways sometimes. However I know and respect that this is not everyone's preference, and that's ok too.

If you dont want to ask her - is there a way you can be at peace within yourself and trust that she would mention it if it was an issue for her?

Is it OK if she doesn't find every part of you "perfect", but still loves you very much and wants to be with you?

@AlwaysMyselfI guess the reason why I wanted to know about what women in general think is so I can be more confident that not caring about height is a real thing.

All of my insecurities about my height have got to do with what I have read/heard from others. No one has commented on my height much in real life.

I think my height itself is pretty good in most situations, other than dating. The reason why it is so hard for me to accept that women don't care about height is because that just goes against everything I have heard.

I have never tried online dating, but for example, statistically short guys get 5 times less matches than 6ft+ guys.

One of my friends years ago was very insecure that he is 5'11 (180cm) instead of 6ft (182cm). He was worried he will get rejected by girls because he is 2.5cm below 6ft. I still tried my best to help him with his insecurity and stuff, but a few months later he grew to 185cm, so he was no longer insecure. I am 5'6 (168cm) for reference and have been since I was 12 I think.

I'm sorry to be so stubborn, but my height is only a problem because so many people have made it one for such a long time. I don't want to disagree with you, but I can't believe what you are saying when I personally have never met a woman in real life who wasn't vocal about how they "drool" over tall guys (yes that really happened).

I am fine if she doesn't find every part of me perfect. It's just that (again from what I have heard) a man's physical attractiveness is 90% height. It's not really just a small and trivial imperfection at that point and is much more, so that is why I worry about it.

If you are right that most women don't care about height, then that gets rid so many of my worries. It's just difficult for me to accept that most women don't care. I realise lot of people who I talk to about this sugarcoat the truth to make me feel better.

Anyways, you make a really good point as to why I should ask her, and after reading your post, I did. She said that because I am taller than her, it is fine. Maybe I screwed up because I asked her "would I be better if I was taller?". She said she never imagined herself dating someone who is short, but that I make a "really good partner" and "tick all other boxes so height doesn't matter". I really don't know how to take that. My gut feeling is not comfortable at all with that. It's not as sharp as saying "I wish you were taller" and not as ideal as her saying she *just* doesn't/never cared about height.

I cannot really relate at all because I don't think it is difficult to accept and celebrate your partner as they are. I guess most aren't like me though.

Well done for plucking up the courage to ask her @Sevismo ! That's huge!!

Do you have any sense of relief that she said she doesn't mind because you are taller than her?

Do you think she was meaning that you are "short", or that she has never imagined dating a guy who is shorter than her?

Is everything under the statistical adult male average "short"? 🤔 because that would be 50% of males.

Surely "short" would have the be a lesser percentile, such as the lowest 30%?

And where does ethnic background averages come into play there? Are we talking global-average, Australian average, or ethnic-specific-average?

Because 5'6" might be short if you are genetically Dutch 😆 but not if you are Guatemalan!

Given she has said that she thinks there are aspects of you that are more important to her than your height, how do you feel about that?

I hear you @Sevismo , I can understand how it feels like a backhand or being settled for. I do wonder though if there could be a difference between "the dream" (ticking ALL the boxes) and "realistic" (ticking the important/key boxes) for a person?

Emotional reactions can be strong when we are still close to the event and not yet processed it. I wonder if you feeling about the relationship may continue to change or settle over the coming week.

If you dont feel the love of the relationship any more, do you feel that is something you can talk to her about and try to explain why not meeting all her ideals (in this case height) is a big concern/impact for you?

I wonder if as she gets older whether her perspective of what "boxes" are on her list will change? Different life phases people often have different priorities.

Many people have difficulty understanding or imagining how others think differently, you're not alone @Sevismo . 🙂 and from what ive heard, yes sometimes autism can also make that a lot harder for people (but sometimes because people may have to learn it for life or coping skills, sometimes those people end up being the most considerate people ive met too! 😊)

I dont mind you asking at all. 😊 its a good and fair question. 😊

I dont think I am my partners "dream" person, but I know he loves me and wants/chooses to be with me. Im sure he wishes I was more physically able to do things (I have chronic fatigue), and im sure he wishes I had more awareness/ability to modify my vocal tone when im tired or stressed (I can sound a bit flat and pointed at times without meaning to). Im sure he also wishes I didnt want/need to be so organised (he has adhd, so he doesnt plan ahead well).

I'm sure he never imagined being with a person who has arthritis pain since 21 either lol. I'd be a little more concerned if he did 😅.

But he has decided that im still the person he wants to be with.

From a physical appearance side, I think im still OK with that because I dont personally value physical appearance much, and I know that whilst he may be attracted to my physically he is also attracted to my personality.

For example, I am quite overweight, or shall I say "curvy". I know he prefers "curvy" to thin, as he has mentioned it in the past in passing. However I also know that I need to lose weight/size for my health (for multiple medical conditions) and I'm not worried that he will find me less attractive if/when I'm able to lose weight. I dont think he notices when I fluctuate in weight [edited by moderator]; and ideally I need to lose weight from my higher-fluctuation weight [edited by moderator]. But he is also supportive in theory of my need to lose weight for my health, and its never crossed my mind to be worried that he might find me less attractive because of less curves.

I think for me knowing he is attracted to my personality is much more important to me. 🤔

And i dont have a pre-disposition to anxiety either, so i'm sure that helps in my favour too.

Im open to talking about it @Sevismo 🙂 and if you ask something im not comfortable with i will be able to say so without upset or anger or judgement. You are safe to ask.