Need support from people who understand

HI @Shaddow101 I have a personality disorder.

Impulses are hard to control and we can assume the worst when people aren't direct with us.

You are not making it worse for her with your care. If she is sleeping in her car that is scary, I've been there. Maybe take a step back re the accomodation concerns and try and connect with her as if she has that under control, and once trust is there, perhaps she'll come on her own. It's a bumpy road and i'm sorry for ur stress.

@Shaddow101 demand better behaviour or throw her out seems simplistic - sometimes ppl tell us what they think is the right advice but I doubt that's insightful in this situation -

if you throw her out, or demand anything, i doubt it will make a difference. trust is everything to those of us with personality disorders as is attachment.

She might have a whole different story feeling like everyone's abandoned her or hates her

I hope she is okay. When I slept in my car, and at my unievrsity, my parents kept telling me to come home and didn' know why I would choose that over their safe home.

I didn't feel safe in their home.

They had people over who weren't safe, and I had to leave or else I felt those people would hurt me.

Sleepiing in a car itself isn't a sign of something bad and perhaps many of us have done things like that to survive - the main thing is to have some connection to someone, a call, a text, someone to speak to. If there's a way you can help her without breaking her boundary - eg have someone else check on her or call her, or even pay for something that she can pick up - without breaking the boundary - i wander if she would like that. Or ask her what she would need or like to come home - just some ideas. But perhaps there is somewhere else she could go - a neutral place. Just some ideas xo

thanks

I know that she feels a connection to me as I am always the one she reaches out to when she needs support regulating. I offer safe unconditional love and offer non demanding support when she seeks it. I just don’t know how to survive the times that deregulates due to drug use or relationship challenges with inappropriate men trigger her.
How do I cope with the pain. Where do parents put that and get on with their lives. I have been doing this since she was 13 and I can’t see and end in sight.

Hi @Shaddow101 ,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am the Father of 3 children. My middle Daughter (20) has just been assessed for BPD. I have just come back from Hospital as my Daughter was admitted in an unconscious state after being missing for 2 days. I too would like to speak with someone who understands the complexity of the condition as well as the stress it creates in the family dynamic. Not sure what resources are out there but thought this was a start. I want more than ever to help her but want to be the best I can be in understanding how to handle this situation. I would like to know more about your situation is there a way we can chat? Not sure how to communicate on different forums on this site? Much appreciated, stressed out Dad here.

Hi there @Phil72 @Shaddow101 ,

We are sorry to hear about your experiences. It sounds incredibly tough to see your loved one struggling.

I have lived experience of BPD, and I know first hand how challenging it was for me, let alone those around me.

From my perspective and experiences, I felt that the most 'helpful' but also 'painful' supports were the ones ones where I knew they were strong and would stick to their word. They set clear boundaries for me, and even when I tried to push those boundaries, they stood firm.

Reflecting back, a lot of my struggles were around emotional regulation. I struggled to regulate my emotions which meant that I would act impulsively or in harmful ways as a way to stay in control.

I've had supportive therapy over the years and I can say that life couldn't be better.

Depending on where you live, there are supports for carers such as:

1) Australian BPD Foundation : https://www.bpdfoundation.org.au/

2) Spectrum carers support group: https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/information-resources/information-for-families-friends-carers/carers-support-group

3) Spectrum workshops for carers: https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/education-training/education-for-families-friends-and-carers

4) Project Air free learning program for carers: https://www.uow.edu.au/project-air/carer/

@Phil72 , unfortunately, you can post here online to other members, but you cannot contact them directly because this is an anonymous platform.

hi @Shaddow101 i'm sure it is hard, and i can imagine she might say hrutful things or extreme things.

I also used alchohol to cope - it was very hard for my parents. They did not support me at the time, and I could not reach out to them.
having someone you can rely on and trust is very helpful and i can imagine it would make your daughter feel contained and supported.

from what i remember of that time, when I myself was coping with toxic relationships, alcohol, and constant changes in accomodation, I sometimes wished I had somewhere i could go stay - no questions asked -as respite.
I now, thank G-d, have the NDIS so i have 14 days a year i can stay in a safe place and that helps me.

i guess a safe place could be a physical place but it could also be a person. The safe people in my life make me want to live and I keep safe for them. The more she has, the better.

I am sorry for how hard it is for you. I know people have told you to set boundaries and kick her out if she doesn't comply.

I think anything extreme or dramatic like that just perpeuates the cycle. Maybe there are small steps, to show you care but also need to care for youself.

I am only speaking from my experience, but I believe your love and support will make a difference, and she will improve. For me it took til my early 30s, but all that self harming behaviour stopped afer about 30.

I'm with you, I know that pain and helplessness very well 🥺❤️‍🩹