Ex partner still living with me, break-up blindsided me and has an abusive manchild attitude

Hi @Weeb ,

It sounds like a very emotionally difficult relationship, and complicated situation with breaking up but still waiting for him to move out.

Its kind of you that you're acknowledging the difficulties he will face if he has to leave immediately. And I agree that it is reasonable of you to expect him to be non-abusive and behave appropriately whilst he stays, and if he can't do that to require him to move out earlier.

Has he given any indication of when he thinks is a reasonable expectation for him to be able to move out?

Does he have any friends/contacts who he could stay with short-term until he finds a permanent rental?

Whilst AI is very helpful, I will always caution using it to interpret laws because the technology does get it wrong sometimes (funnily enough called "hallucinations" in the tech industry!) so it is important to read the source laws yourself (or get an expert human opinion to review, which I see you have already plans for 🙂 )

Im really sorry to hear he doesn't acknowledge and value where you currently are and what you are working towards, and sound like he focuses on the negatives. It sounds like you will be in a better space when he is no longer living with you. A goal in sight.

@AlwaysMyself Thank-you for taking the time to answer me and providing some useful advice. Yeah, it was fine, but then he said for the past 7 months I've been holding it in, basically contradicting himself on valuing communication, because that's a clear lack of communication. A few weeks ago, before him breaking up, I did mention he had till the end of the year to change his behaviour. But since he decided to break up, I think it should be a lot sooner, rather than later, since he's getting the benefits of living here as a 'family member' in our culture, and he is no longer that.

And he has none in the Gold Coast as they are all based in Brisbane or North Brisbane, maybe some South Brisbane.

And I'm well aware of AI spitting out fake data and references of resources. I always have to fact-check anything it gives me. *le sigh* So I did briefly check out the resource links it gave me, but I will also do my own search on government pages and free legal advice. I might also ask in my next mental health visit (when I can get one if that comes first), and I plan to walk into hospital (phone call anxiety) to ask them about getting seen by a psychiatrist (been to 2 mental health visits on the public side that have some basic info to pass on). Currently believe I need a GP to get a mental health care plan to put me through the public side. But I just think it'll be easier to just get it information and clarity face-to-face.

@Weeb it is absolutely OK for you to set boundaries and timeliness that you need him out of your/parents home. And personally I agree with your statement also about with him having ended the relationship, he should have done so with the expectation that it also will end the accommodation - so it shouldn't be as much of a shock to him.

Good on you for speaking up about his behaviour even before the relationship ended! I know this can be a really really hard and scary thing for people to do. That's really brave and a great sign of your ability to look out for what you need, and what you dont deserve to be treated like. 🙂

I dont know what the rental laws are in QLD, but where I've lived as an adult I think its been 60 days notice as standard. BUT your ex-boyfriend is not a tennant. However there are usually laws about housemates (including defacto/spouses) not being able to be made homeless without some notice or something.

If you find the relevant laws online and would like a peer (not professional) read-over to help interpret them, I'm happy to help do so on here. I am not a lawyer or real estate agent, but I have quite a good ability to read and interpret legislation - partly by nature, partly from my business degree training. I think its really good that you are keeping mind to treating him fairly in line with legal expectations for eviction.

Mental Health Care Plans from a GP are required for a Medicare claim for psychologist appointments. Psychiatrists are a different type of referral (specialist doctor referral) - when done by a GP they are valid for 12 months, and when done by a psychiatrist they may only be valid for a shorter time like 3 months?? But it is possible the psychiatrist-to-psychiatrist referral timeframe has changed because it is over 10 years since I had one of those.

I hope the hospital staff can help answer your questions and get you into the system for a psychiatric review request. 🙂

I went through my areas local system last year / this year, and it wasn't an automatic "ok you can be seen by a psychiatrist", but they did an intake appointment with a mental health clinician first who then discusses your situation/needs/concerns with a mixed-team of mental health specialists (incl psychiatrists) to see what services may best meet needs (which may or may not include a psychiatric review).

If you don't feel that the outcome of their advice is suitable for you to meet your needs, you can tell them that and ask to discuss it more. I did that and when I explained more they agreed to do a psychiatric review even though initially they decided it wasn't needed.

You sound like a good self-advocate. 🙂

@AlwaysMyselfThanks. Considering my previous degrees (finished and unfinished in the health field) along with my casual job as an individual support worker, I have learned a lot of advocacy skills, and I am finally applying them to myself. If you wanted a bit more background info, I believe you can click my name as I have done 1 other post. TDLR: trying to get diagnosed for ADHD with sensory issues, secondary presentations of ASD (likely Aspergers), OCD, bipolar, and complex PTSD with anxiety and depressive symptoms. I have another doctor's appointment on Friday with my university doctor, so I might see if she can do a MH care plan along with assignment extensions in case I need them. And this isn't my first rodeo with abusive relationships, but I hope it will be my last. Think my next partner will also have to be a 'healer' of some sort with excellent communication and a willingness to travel. Low-key hoping when it comes time (after cat passes), I can advocate for jobs in higher-paying countries with a good work-life balance, and by the time I come back, HECS debt would be removed. Or I'll just come back crying at the increase in my debt. Haha...ha. I do have a self-deprecating sense of humour.

And thanks again for all the info you provided and willingness to look over it when I finally come to writing it. Hopefully soon, because assignments and my current ability to only focus on one thing at a time, I find it hard to transition from task to task when it comes to higher cognitive requirements. But it was a blessing in disguise that I failed one unit (mandatory pass for my VIVA as my unmedicated, speedy brain, didn't recognise the prompt of "go back" as specific enough to clarify what wasn't made clear). Unfortunately, I had the knowledge, but my downfall was having a coffee that morning. You'll be pleased to know I have invested in more teas and remember to add l-theanine supplements (found in teas to help slow down/calm mind) when I have coffee (also taking less) in the morning. Bit of a tangent there, but that's the way my brain is currently working. So now I can only do 1 unit this trimester and have to do that 1 unit I failed next year tri 1 and the other 2 tri 2. My degree doesn't do tri 3 so yay, I get a holiday! And more time to work on my health and kicking 'manchild' out.

I'll go have a read of your backstory @Weeb . Sounds like there has been a lot going on, but that you're facing it head-on and working hard to identify what's going on (diagnosis) and what helps or not (caffeine, tea, one task at a time, etc). 🙂

Learning from past experiences is definitely worthwhile to take forward into what you want or dont want in the future. 🙂 fingers crossed your future partner(s) will not be abusive, and that you will recognise any red flags quickly. 🙂

I feel that I've gotten a better "gut instinct" about people after having bad experiences with people; something just sends that spidey-sense that I notice subconsciously before I can consciously pick up on what it is. I hope this will also be true to for you. 🙂

Do you a list of most-desired countries to work in the future?

I've always loved the idea of working overseas (2 year stints maybe??) as a way to affordably travel and see the world. ... but then I got married and got 2 dogs. So now I have to at least wait until the dogs pass (10+ years hopefully they live a healthy lifespan!) 😅.

@AlwaysMyselfThanks. And I think I defs have spider senses now and had to turn them off. There was a 'crazy' guy in Bris that was swearing, "SHE DOESN'T GET IT!" And everyone was looking at him like he was on drugs and crazy. I just turned my head and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I felt like he had nobody and I just started crying. But my parter (hadn't broken up yet just kept walking and didn't even wait...guess he was not communicating and acting like a manchild) coz we were trying to find Cultured King's, so I turned and caught up with him. I wish I told him to go and just listened to the guy in the open park opposite. Now I just hope he gets the support he needs.

As for counties, I'd love Japan since I'm a weeb, but I don't think the work-life balance is there. Maybe Canada since it's like the motherland of the degree I'm doing, but I don't like cold. I might just have to suck it up and buy more warm clothes. But I'll look up the geopolitical climate, pay rates (converted pay to AUD), cost of living, work-life balance, etc. before I go. And my cat turns 14 in October. I imagine I'll be working in a lot of different counties and just do the yup that's the contract, mini holiday somewhere/visit home, next place.

And mini rant to get if off my chest since it just happened. Noticed he left the bathroom light on. I can see it from my bed since it's adjacent. He's set himself up in a spare room. So this was the text conversation

Me: Bathroom light

Did you forget to turn off?

Him: Doors already locked outside

Yes

Me: Ugh

I'll sumon energy to turn it off but I'd prefer it if you turned it off

Have a good day at work

You're welcome

Don't be mad coz people need reminders

I know you hate it when I remind you, but it's called living together harmoniously

A crucial part of communication

Him:Not really, I manage to live quite harmoniously with your parents. That's because I am in their house, not yours. They seem to understand that sometimes you forget, you do this on a regular basis... But I don't wanna argue with you because it's pointless talking to a brick wall that only thinks of themselves. I told some deep shit yesterday, and you just brushed it off like it was nothing. Someone who cares wouldn't just brush off the fact that I feel my grandmother is passing away soon. I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself who you are becoming because you don't see what everyone else is seeing and I am not going to sit here and argue about that either, because the evidence quite clearly speaks for itself to everyone surrounding you, just not you. So please, just leave me alone.

Me:I didn't brush it off I listened and employed empathetic silence mostly

You could've talked more

And parents remind me to and tell me to remind you of things

Him: Nope that's not a good tactic, I couldn't you were to interested in what you were doing. Not doing this, I'm at work

Me: I can't be emphatic if I paraphrase what you say to show I listened coz you say I'm repeating myself and I can't sit in silence and listen. You need to learn there's different types of communication and listening

Him: You need to just learn, that not all forms are good forms. We don't need this discussion, how can you tell someone that what you did was wrong and they refuse to acknowledge that "maybe" they may have been wrong. It's actually sad to see you continue to justify your wrongdoings, I feel things to you know.

Me: Then recognise the effort and that I'm telling you I was listening. And look in the mirror for how you've dismissed my feelings and reality

Him: Recognize that to me you weren't

Me: Apologies it came across that way, but you need to recognise the effort and trying to change from previous communication style of empathetic listening to a different one where you always tell me I need to shut up (Had previously told him I was paraphrasing to check if I had missed anything to check understanding, but I also use yeah's and head nods, then I try paraphrase when there's a longer pause or a fair bit has been said so it doesn't disrupt his flow so much. He gets annoyed that I'm repeating.)

I need to get him out faster than a firetruck (firetruck cause I'm trying not to swear and it's my replacement word for this cuttlefish). I've had to add to the conversation as I'm making this. Well, guess I'm not going back to sleep and I'm up 2.5hrs earlier than what I needed to be. -_-

Edit: And he just said this(So I'm going to try bust out assignment due Thursday morning and by Friday or Saturday morning have the notice for him to leave and behaviour agreement on a 1 strike policy since it can be classified as a pattern of domestic abuse, his parents can just get the same documents with a brief note if they need to collect his things. Low-key hoping he breaks it cause I want my peace immediately. Hmm, scratch that, it's a leave within this period because you've gone over 3 strikes if it's okay after checking with legal services)

Him: Everything before but doesn't matter when you choose to say but after an apology. It's kind of 101 in that field, you're deflecting and you don't like being called out on your wrong doings.

I will end this conversation with a simple, I don't need to recognize anything you are doing, we are no longer dating that's a fact. I don't need to recognize any of this because, I have no intent or interest in ever dating you again. You should focus on changing for yourself and not for me, because I am changing for myself and the stark differences between you and I are striking, we don't mix, we will never mix, and the sooner you acknowledge that fact, the better you will be as a person.

I do not want you telling me how I should do this or that, I'm not your partner. You don't do this to friends, but even as friends you continue to do so, do you not realize your controlling nature is affecting everyone and everything around you? Hearing hard truths is hard, I know but I take my advice from people who actually have it figured out, and I'm sorry that you are not one of them.

Ack, that sounds very stressful @Weeb and not a lovely way to start a day 😞 . I'm glad you were able to share it with us though, 'get it out of your system' so to speak.

It does sound like the two of you have very different communication styles. I wonder what he sees as being "supportive" when he shares his feelings?

I try the same tactics as you mentioned - active listening, nods, paraphrasing, etc. They are really good things you are doing!

I wonder though what more he expects? Does he expect someone to help him come up with solutions? Or someone to give him a hug? (Not that a hug is appropriate now you've broken up! But im thinking in the past)

Or is he expecting something in body language that he isn't seeing? I've had this happen to me before (albeit in a work context) where someone said after that i "was not engaged" in the meeting because of my "body language" - despite the fact that I was one of a few people to ask clarifying questions (a sign of listening & engagement). Sadly they didnt mention what body language they expected, so I still dont know what they were referring to - but I assume it was my body posture (because I was in a lot of physical pain that day and had to sit in a way to reduce pain). 🤔

I get frustrated when my partner forgets things - especially if it is the same things repeatedly! But he does have ADHD so that helps me understand and accept that he is trying. I find it hard to remind him too without triggering his defensiveness - although I will admit reminding him to turn off the light or close the door behind him doesnt trigger him thankfully. It probably helps him that I sometimes forget things too, and he is welcome to also remind me when I do - i forgot to turn off the heater last night when I went to bed and didnt notice it was still on. He got out of bed to do it. Oops haha, but for us that's part of our give-and-take to both be able to say 'sorry, I forgot' but also take responsibility to try to remember in the future / most days. I have learned to be selective about when I remind him about things or not, else I would be constantly reminding him to "put the rubbish in the bin", "dont leave toothpicks where the dogs might get them", etc. Now I focus on reminders when hes actively doing the task (not later) unless its a safety issue like the dogs and toothpicks!

Funny but horrifying story - my dog *did* get a toothpick recently. It was on the floor. Thankfully I was home and saw it, and my dogs are really well behaved to "leave it" and "stay". So I told my dog to stay and called my partner into the room to see. The dog was sitting waiting with the toothpick between his paws (like a treat or toy).

This gave my partner the real-life impact of his toothpick habit, and how my fears of the dogs getting one was actualised.

He's been a lot better since then with his toothpicks, I think ive only had to move/rubbish 1 toothpick in the past month since!!

@AlwaysMyself, I'll try keep this brief because I have to shift my focus back to my assignment.

For body language we were shopping for ingredients for dinner, so because we were walking and I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to bump into things, I was looking forward. I figured, if that's all he wants to say on it, I'll leave it at that. So that's where he probably thought I was brushing it off. But really, I was just letting him speak until he was finished. Believe he said a little more in the car, but I was driving (short distance to shops, and he conveniently never brings his keys down, so it's pretty much always me driving around this area, but idc, I feel like I'm the safer driver and better at parking).

As for the reminders you expressed about you and your partner, that is what I'd ideally like it to be like. Everyone needs their reminders and it's like that with me, my parents, most of my friends (mostly messaging because we can leave conversations for ages and forget to return to them), and of course, my clients as an individual support worker, where needed.

I honestly think the most disgusting reminder was having to remind him to brush his teeth before bed instead of just the morning. Like make it a habit to brush teeth earlier, after dinner instead of just before going to bed when you're too tired. I'm tired of smelling dragon breath and having to turn the other way just to be able to sleep. So for 1 or 2 nights after he kept complaining that's controlling (no you cuttlefish, it's called living harmoniously), I just decided to wake him up everytime he faced me and told him, "Hey, I can smell your dragonbreath, face the other way." Before I'd sometimes nudge him and he moves in his sleep. Nope, it was wake the fire truck up and face the other way, cuttlefish/chicken schitzel. Sidenote: I love cuttlefish, but I still have a backbone stronger than them.

Another one was we kept our towels in my room next to the bathroom door. Complained that in every other household he's in, he's always managed to have every household member store their towels in the bathroom (quoted I once lived in a house of 5 and we all fit our towels in the bathroom). Mentioned how could I be so unaware that there's space in the bathtub, I never use to place a towel rack there. Like uh, bathrooms can be poorly ventilated so unless you want your towel to go rank faster, a lot of people store their towels outside the bathroom. Especially in the houses where I've rented with multiple people, we sometimes stored our bath towels in our rooms and just had hand towels in the bathroom. But even after I mentioned variances in living, he was all, "Nope, wrong. I've always lived that way."

He also hates gossip, but manages to complain about almost every mutual friend we have. I usually paraphrase what he said to show listening then offer my own DIFFERENT perspective. So as far as I'm concerned, he barely deserves the friends we share and he's just lucky I don't plan on telling them the schitzel talk he's said about them unless they happen to ask, because he's going to need more social support than I will be (I have plenty), when I deliver him with the eviction notice/behavioural agreement.

But I've told 3 friends who we're commonly in voicechat with most weeknights that I'm ripping the baidaid off. He broke up with me a while ago and that's part of the reason why I haven't been on as much. If they want to know what's happened they can ask, but be warned, I will not be responsible for how they judge him, and might turn against him. So, I asked them to be his friends, because he's going to need more social support than I will. And to not let him or other mutual friends know because I don't want his attitude misdirected at me. I also said I believe they deserve an explanation as to why I'm barely there anymore. (Also, I'm focussing more on uni, organising health visits, and now eviction notice. But didn't mention that.)

...I don't do brief, but I type fast.

Quick vent because undiagnosed OCD (rumination and obsessive/repetitive thoughts) and complex PTSD was triggered so hey, writing helps.

So part of his duties is wiping the table and kitchen area after dinner. I noticed some seasoning that he missed. He literally stopped wiping the kitchen halfway because the machine beeped. So I wiped the parts that were around the teas while I was still finishing off washing the dishes. Parents cooked tonight. When he came back, I said, "Hey, IF, you seasoned the lamb here last night then just remember to wipe these areas too. I've wiped the area already." And he finished off wiping the other area. He then accused me of pointing the finger and accusing him he made the mess, as he seasoned the lamb, the previous night a bit more too the left, so it was most likely from tonight's cooking. I had to repeat myself a few times, "No, I asked if you did." But he said I didn't ask, to which I corrected myself and said, "I was saying if. That's not accusing and it's more a reminder to remember to wipe these areas too. In which case it was probably tonight's cooking." Had to say the last part a few times because it wasn't going through. The audacity of him to act this way while my parents were still downstairs watching TV. Downstairs area is pretty much open living. From the kitchen, you can see the TV, lounge, dinner table, with a half wall divider for the lounge.

I called up Residential Tenancy Authority today about paperwork, but they said I didn't need paperwork, could kick him out immediately, gave me resources for domestic violence and law resources, and to call the police if it happens again. Personally, I believe police are pretty useless from previous experience. So I will still write up a document so police can look at it and be like, "Yeah, okay cool," if it comes to that. So tomorrow I will start writing it up after calling the other resources and decide if I still want to be lenient and let him live in shame, but if he gets angry about the document (and I will state in the document) he will be asked to leave immediately with assistance from parents, any further resistance will result in police being called due to patterns of what is classified as domestic violence. Tomorrow after work he is once again going back up to visit family and friends so I will have peace during the weekend. Unless I manage to bust it out all tomorrow. Then I don't care if I end up ruining their weekend. I will see if I can also send the document to his parents and they can educate him. Or get mad. I don't care.