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17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

ShelterCasual Contributor24 Feb 2017, 11:16 pm AEDT

17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

Hey everyone. Just found this site and it was so nice to find it and read the real stories we don't hear in day to day life. I feel completely alone in this situation because the people around me know so little about being the sole carer of a teenager with mental illness.
My son first developed severe social anxiety leading to depression in high school year 7 around his 13th birthday.
He was unable to attend school at all for many months then through a psychiatrist was referred to special schooling from year 8 to 11. He has been depressed about returning to school after these holidays and 3 weeks into term made it to only 2 classes. This week he says he is not going back but simply cannot answer what he will do next. Anxiety has ruled him for his entire teenage life and I feel so lost and depressed sometimes that I have failed him. My family cannot understand and I feel constant pressure from them to fix him by getting tough and their lack of compassion for my son breaks my heart often. They have no idea how much it hurts me and the stigma from them and others hurts and drains me. Thanks for reading and for being a part of something good here.
Me

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In response to: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

Lucy10New Contributor29 Aug 2018, 11:57 pm AEST

Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

Thanks Janna for the uplifting words and advice. I spent one year trying to get my son into a small charter school that I thought would be so helpful for him, only to have him come home on the first day with the worst panic attack I’ve seen yet from him and refusing to go back there. Since he’s much bigger than he was, there is no way to force him in the car so here we are again doing homeschool, and that is fine, but I did dream about him making friends and being sociable. I see that it may never happen the way I want it to. I’m glad to see with you and your son it is something that you have accepted and felt a big relief from. I have a question though, does your son have any friends at all whether playing games online or someone who comes over to the house? My son can talk and socialize very normally on his PS4 but freezes in the real world. The thing is, he is someone that doesn’t seem to feel sorry for himself about it. I don’t feel he is sad he doesn’t have friends in real life. His personality has always been grumpy even when he was very little so sometimes I don’t know where his problems begin and his personality ends. It’s very frustrating for us. He also has OCD, ODD, and ADD.

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In response to: Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

JannaSenior Contributor30 Aug 2018, 8:01 am AEST

Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

Hi @Lucy10

I'm sorry to hear that the charter school option didn't work out and your dreams of him making friends and being sociable weren't realised. I felt the same everytime my son began in a new school and it didn't work out. It led to severe disappointment for me and was so disheartening. The last school he was enrolled in appeared to be perfect from my perspective. It was a small (50 student) SSP school specialising in emotional disorders that had it all; special needs teachers, flexible start and finish times, great social activities, counsellors on hand, etc, etc. My son lasted all of 3 days and then refused to return. That was when we decided schooling was no longer an option. As they say "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

You asked about whether my son has friends either online or coming to the house. My son has 1 friend which he met in his first year in high school with whom he plays online games. Unfortunately, this friend is now in 2nd year of uni studying to become an architect and also works part-time so is not very available. However, during the times that they do connect I can hear my son laughing and interacting with him in a very animated way. They have not physically seen each other for well around 3 years now which is very sad. Other than this he has no other friends and has not interacted with any boys of his age since he was in residential care 2.5 - 3 years ago. I have tried to find a mentor as a sustitute for a friend and he has had an outreach support officer interacting with him for the past 1.5 years. He comes to the house once a week and does some sort of activity with him, mainly going out to a park to get some fresh air and exercise, but has also taught him cooking basics and worked on other activities of daily living that would be essential to his survival. Unfortunately just this week he has told me that he will no longer be able to provide this support as the organisation he works with are cutting back on outreach support and he is also being promoted into being a co-ordinator. I don't know what I'll do after that and will be trying to find some other support for him. It makes it very hard when he is unwilling to leave the house for anything. I'm not suprised to learn he also has OCD, ODD and ADD - for some reason it seems to be a fairly common psychiatric cocktail ascribed to adolescents. My son has never had any of these diagnoses, but I can assure who he has the attention span of a gnat and a memory like a sieve, likes to do things in a routine fashion and collapses if there is sudden change, all of which do not help. I'm wondering if your son would benefit from having a mentor as such - someone who can build a rapport with him and facilitate his socialisation or education. It may be difficult to find this but it's worth a shot. Try not to overthink things and just go with the flow taking each day as it comes. Your son is in a critical adolescent phase at the moment which regardless of his mental health condition will require exceptional patience and understanding. You may find that things slowly level out as he matures. Take care.

Janna❤️

In response to: Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

SolarCasual Contributor30 Aug 2018, 12:07 pm AEST

Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

Hi Janna and @Lucy10

In terms of friendships. My son’s psychologist told me that my son did not feel lonely despite not having friends. Perhaps due to missing so much school - they don’t miss that interaction as they didn’t really ever have it.
I have also had to accept that this is where we are at and not to worry unnecessarily. There is not much I can do now but be here for support and try and get on with my own life. My son had friends on-line including one from primary school who he has kept in touch with via on-line games and occasionally visited him (last time was last year). But that seems to have stopped at the moment.

As your son is younger, Lucy10…my main advice would be to just find things that can give him those life skills and to gai
Others will try and make you feel guilty and some so called experts will point to ‘research’ that says children who have school refusal if not forced to attend, will have ’severe’ problems later on. Well where is the research about ‘later on’? I can’t find any. It seems that once the kids leave school - no body actually follows them up. In adult research they find some people with mental health issues had school refusal…well daaaarrr….of course they did!! But whether one is the other or leads to the other is not ever conclusive as there are many people with mental health issues who did not have school refusal! So we have to take our kids as the individuals they are and not let others point fingers or tell us stories of someone who knew someone…or someone on the radio or internet said…or ’they’ will still be living with you when they are 40!’. The thing is…none of us know….and it is not something we or our kids did wrong and until we know what causes school refusal - then the outcomes just have to be taken as individual to each family and we take on all the support we can - we try to keep them engaged - we build their self esteem - we teach them life skills - and hopefully as they mature, they can start to manage some of their own fears. Once the fears are there…it is awfully hard to turn them around as they themselves have to first acknowledge those fears and then start to challenge them. Which is where Cognitive behaviour therapy comes in and works well but the person has to be willing to take this on and, you have to find the right psychologist who actually does this and doesn’t just say they do!

Has anyone ever tried CBD oil to help with the anxiety? My son has been asking about it. It is not readily available in Australia or necessarily legal due to its derivitives but is not supposed to be addictive.
There are lots of different things out there but when they reach 19 as our boys are - one wonders whether there is just something more we haven’t found yet.

Take care - and do look after yourself Lucy10.
Solar

In response to: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

HazeyNew Contributor04 Nov 2018, 2:52 am AEDT

Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

As I read the stories in this discussion, I see myself and my son. Similarily to others, social anxiety hit my son hard at around adolescence, age 11 or 12. He is almoat 18 ow and a senior in high school.He has missed so much school. I have tried counseling and medications. One counselor suggested he get tested for Autism. Formerly called Asperger's, he did receive a medical and educational diagnosis for high-functioning autism with no intellectual deficits.

I am not so sure of these findings. However, the diagnosis does get him the IEP (Individualized Education Plan) at school. Therefore his special education teacher/case manager is able to make accommodations for him within his classes. He has a psychiatrist note excusing him from up to two days a week from school due to his menatl illness.

I hear what all of you caregivers are feeling. We just want to find a way to best help our loved one reach his or her potential and be happy. I want my son to find a fulfilling life...

He is often holed up in his room on the computer. This past week he missed 3 days of school. I really want him to finish high school. He is almost there.

My husband and I have tried online school for him, there was not enough motivation on his part to get homework turned in. We tried for 3 years.

During his sophomore year, we switched him to a smaller school district and now drive him to school and back every day. He does have his temporary license, but does not really want his driver's license.

Anyway, thank you for the support. I sent hugs to all of you!

We are not alone 🙂

In response to: Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

marchhareSenior Contributor04 Nov 2018, 3:29 am AEDT

Re: 17 year old son with social anxiety disorder

HI Hazry, it is Marchhare here. One of the forum moderators. Welcome to the SANE forums and you story about your son.. From what you have said about your son being a sophomore makes me suspect you may not be in Australia. If you look on the community guidlines you will see that membership is available to Australian residents aged 18+. If I am wrong about that I apologise.

That is not to discourage you from reading the forums. With the spead of the web these country issues can get a bit blurred.

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