Hello @Shelter and a big welcome to the forum.
Your story and mine are the "same, same, but different". I also have a son, just turned 18 last week, who has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder. The wheels came off the cart for him when he was around 13-14 as well and the first thing that was affected was schooling. From that time until now we have changed schools 4 times to try and accomodate his social anxiety. One day off school for him is enough to discourage him from attending ever again because in his mind everyone in the whole school judges him negatively and knows he has a problem. My son's attendance rate has been abysmal. 6 weeks in 1 year at one school; 3 weeks at another, etc. He even repeated a year. Last year he was fortunate enough to be accepted into a residential care programe which is run conjointly by the Dept of Health and Dept of Education. He received intensive treatment for his depression/anxiety and concurrently attended a SPS school within the same facility. Unfortunately not even this did the trick and he remains holed up in his bedroom, devoid of social contact and with no direction for his future.
I have had to deal with the fallout of this on a social level as well. So called good friends with children of the same age have chosen to remove themselves from our life, but not before offering ridiculous words of advice that were clearly rooted in ignorance. So just when you need people to rally around you in support, they actually go the opposite direction and that hurts. Family are no different to be honest. My mother, still to this day, comes out with comments that attest to her ignorance as well and drops judgements that infer that I am not doing the right thing by saying things like, "You know you should have xxx" and "If I were you I would xxx" and "Can't you just force him to xxx", etc, etc. Again this doesn't help at all and only adds fuel to my already fragile state.
I have struggled enormously with this for years and have ridden the waves of guilt and hopelessness. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. As a mother we only want to see our children succeed in life. Success in our lives is just being able to get our child to a level of autonomy, independence and survivability. Where we once may have had lofty and hopeful aspirations for their future, these have unfortunately been quashed and replaced with a different set of aspirations, and there is nothing we can do about it.
A few things that I have learnt and that have helped me are:
- come to a place of acceptance and embrace that it just is what it is. Stop trying to get your son to be "normal" and do things he can't. If your son had a physical ailment, such as a fractured leg, would you expect him to run and partake in physical activity, or would you understand that he has limitations because of his leg. It's the same thing for mental health issues, but unfortunately they are not as tangible and hence understandable. If he can't get to school because of overwhelming anxiety then you need to show him that you understand and take a step back just as you wouldn't force (or even suggest) particpating in a sports carnival if he had a fractured leg.
- forget school, his education and the normal path and focus more on his mental health and well-being. It's not a deal breaker if he doesn't complete school. There are many, many alternatives which will always be available, if and when he is ready. At the end of the day it is better to have him safe and stable at home where he has the opportunity to heal, than to have him getting worse as a result of pressure.
- do not expect other people to fully understand or to help. This is a harsh reality that needs to be accepted. Nobody can fully appreciate your experience, except those which have had similar experiences. People are generally designed to only want positive associations, rather than negative. Unfortunately, situations such as yours bring out the ugly side of humanity. Once you accept this it will make things a little easier for you because you won't feel the intense disappointment attached to unrealistic expectations.
- make sure that you include lots of self-care. It's really important to not allow the situation to engulf your entire being. Self-care can be anything from taking time out with friends, to listening to music, getting creative, taking a walk, or doing anything which gives you pleasure and temporarily removes you from the situation pertaining to your son.
- understand that you are not alone. Building alliances with people who do understand is really important. Over time you will, by the sheer nature of like attracting like, find others (such as myself) who do get it and who fully appreciate what you are experiencing. If this support has to come via a forum like this, then so be it. It doesn't matter where it comes from, but what is important is that you will come to realise that this is not a unique to you and that other people can validate your experience.
That's all I can think of for now. I hope that this helps. Please keep in touch via this forum and I hope that I can help in some way.
Janna 
