Just about Me and my shit life

Hi everyone,

Im new here and looking for support/advise anything really. I’m in such a dark space at the moment. My husband and split up with me because he can’t deal with any more arguments about just shit really, he is sick of going around and around on the rollercoaster we have been on for 6mths.

it has triggered some childhood trauma in me but also a lot about our relationship over the past 22 years.

I can’t afford to move out in my own and nor can he so we are living our lives together in a 1 bedroom townhouse with our dog. We don’t have children our dog is it.

My life in a short story is I was brought up in a pretty unloved household, I was sexually abused and my parents didn’t believe it was happening and didn’t do anything to stop it from happening. I was brought up in a family that never said I love you or showed a lot of affection.

I was always told by my mother that I was fat and bullied at school for my weight also, I liked guys that I never had a chance with and was also told I was fat by them, this was in primary school. I moved into high school and I was always trying to be the cool kid trying to look good so that I was seen by the guys I liked. I would push myself on to these guys and want them to have sex with me because I thought I was meant for them.

I didn’t have sex until I was 18 and it was with a guy I worked with and again I pushed myself in to him pressing him to like me because I was meant to have a boyfriend when I was out of school I didn’t want to be the only girl my age still a virgin I lied to so many people about having sex and told people II had sex with a guy when I was 16 non of it true I just wanted to be seen as the cool girl and the pretty girl to be seen to be heard even.

Skip ahead lots of hook ups later I finally found a nice guy we walked into my work and handed me his phone number and said call me. I called him and we went on our first date this was the first time I had ever been taken out in a date and actually been seen, we made out on the first date and mucked around but it didn’t lead to sex, we didn’t have sex for about 1 month after we met. I saw this guy as the love of my life, he needed up just moving in with a friend and I and never left we moved houses/units and dreamed of living on the coast. He was pretty straightforward with me from about 3 months in telling me he didn’t want children or marriage, I stayed just Because I thought I didn’t want that either he did eventually ask me to Marry him, 6.5 years into our relationship.

He was a heavy drinker and I had been through a lot of traumatic times with his heavy drinking, he was never abusive but he was always sharing himself with other woman but I just accepted that because he would tell me he wouldn’t do it again and that he loved me and that he was sorry, I would always forgive and just think he had been drinking and didn’t know what he was doing, this behaviour has continued all through our relationship and Marriage with him even meeting up with woman and sending them flowers and telling them how beautiful they are, me finding out later when I would look at his phone. His phone is a vault to him and can never be touched by me. I should have left after the first time but he was my rock and I loved him so much.

Recently he got terminated from employment on a sexual harassment allegation and things have just gotten worse, he is a highly depressed person and should not be off medication but has gone off it for who knows what reason.

We had a mutual friend that he started to message and send photos to saying good morning beautiful you make me so happy when I hear from you, I just can’t let go of him I keep pushing for us to be together for us to be ok for us to be together, what is wrong with me why can’t I let go why can’t I walk away from him, is it Because he came into my life when I was just a kid still and knew nothing else and have known nothing else for 22 years I thought he loved me, I thought I had found my one my one that showed me what I was craving all my life was just to be loved.

Sorry for the long rant and the woe is me story but I’m so blue I just don’t know how to leave when I can’t even afford to leave or go anywhere, I can’t be with my parents they have shown they don’t support me and being around them is traumatic it brings up so many memories that I don’t need on top of what I am going through. I just want to run away from everything I just want all the pain to end.