Managing boundaries and triggers with friends.

hey @Tarmac_6 i relate so hard to the part about being there for my friends even on my bad days, but not receiving the same level of support back. i think it might be common amongst people with anxiety? i have social anxiety too and i think we tend to overthink, overcare and perhaps even over-support? by over-support, i mean that we don't really set boundaries and we give our all to others even when we're low on energy for ourselves.

setting boundaries and prioritising my mental health was hard but helped so so much. i know it can be hard to step back when our friends need us, but if we're not able to take care of ourselves, it can be quite triggering, and we won't be able to provide the support they deserve either. i feel like i'm a better friend when i'm taking care of myself, i have more patience and energy that way. how do you feel about setting up some boundaries for yourself? for example, when you're feeling low - if your friend reaches out, asking them if you can chat with them the next day while you work on some self-care to feel better?

Hi @rav3n, thanks for your reply. It honestly sounds so scary to me and something I would find really hard. I do see where you’re coming from though and maybe it’s just something I have to work towards.

Hi again @Tarmac_6

I remember replying to one of your posts a month or so ago about how much I relate to what you're dealing with. As I said then, growing up with social anxiety is so difficult, it's a problem that just becomes a vicious cycle of finding it hard to talk to people and get support, making it harder to try and reach out, and it just keeps feeding on itself. Everything you mentioned about how it makes you feel, is completely valid. You are in no way horrible for feeling like this. It is just so exhausting to always feel like you are there for others without anyone else being there for you when you need it.

You said this friend of yours has sad that she has said that when she's upset she can't handle other peoples problems. This is completely valid as well. So it's equally valid to tell her that you have days like that as well, where you need some support. It's too much for anyone when it's only going one way. She said she thinks you are attune to here needs and helpful which is great. But you can only continue to do that if you take care of yourself as well. Some of us are just more resilient that others obviously so even though we deal with our own challenges, we find it in ourselves to continue to support others. But even the strongest of us can only do that for so long without getting some of that support back.

I know it hard, especially with social anxiety, to assert these boundaries. But it helps to just start with small and low pressure ways. For example, you could say "I really want to be there for you, but right now it's just a really rough time for me and I just need to recharge a little bit first." Yep, it will feel uncomfortable and even a bit mean. But it's not! It's taking care of yourself, which means you can better support others. You are doing the right thing and you've recognised that you need to do something now before it turns into any kind of resentment.

I found that the people who do care about me, fully accept it when I do tell then that I just can't help them at the moment and that I need some support. No one in any relationship like this should have to go without their own support... it's just not sustainable. She was open and honest with you, so it's perfectly okay for you to do the same. Hopefully you can both come up with a plan to be there for each other when each of you need it. And another tip, don't get into the mindset of comparing who's worse off! It doesn't help anyone and it doesn't matter. When you're struggling you deserve support. It really is that simple. The support in a relationship or friendship doesn't have to be 50/50... it rarely is is one person has more of those bad days. But each person deserves some back.

If you don't practice asserting those boundaries, even a little bit, then you've seen where it leads. We keep supporting others while hiding how we are feeling. People then think we're doing fine and are so great because we're always there for them when they need it. None of this is easy. But you appear to have a lot of self awareness and you see perfectly how this just can go on like it is. Give her a chance or trust her enough to let her know. It's not her fault and it's not yours either, but she should know how much you are struggling. We can often be our own worst enemies and convince ourselves that we have to keep everything to ourselves. We don't have to, and people who care about us would fully agree. We put everything on ourselves and that's not fair. We need to find that balance, or at least a way to get closer to it. Yes, it's really hard at the start like I said, but it's usually the first time that it's really difficult and we find out that the worst case scenario we convinced ourselves would happen was far from real. Making it much easier in future and helping us to be much more open to people and getting that support we need.

Wow @MJG017, I really appreciate that message. Do you think I need to have an honest conversation with her and ask maybe like how would be the best way for me to tell her I need some space? Thankyou for your validation.

I was just thinking about what you said @rav3n, and I think part of me knows what it feels like to have no one there when you desperately need it and I never want to leave my friends high and dry like that. If she tells me she needs to talk to me cause she’s having really negative thoughts yes initially it makes me feel like I have a lot on my shoulders but I don’t know how to then say ok great you’re feeling terrible but I can’t deal with this sorry. It just feels like quite rough. I know what it’s like to finally open up and be ‘rejected’ in some sense and I would honestly rather feel emotionally exhausted for the rest of my life than be the reason someone feels like that. I feel like my thoughts are a bit jumbled but anyway just thought I’d add this.

Hey @Tarmac_6 , I just read your post. I hear what you are saying in terms of not wanting to let your friends down. At the same time, if your friends pour everything to you (beyond what you are able to manage), does that mean there will then be 2 people who are triggered instead of one?

Whilst you want to be friends, there are are times when we are really not equipped to handle some of the challenges. For me, I monitor my own wellbeing and if someone's needs are beyond what I provide, I either give them details and refer them to a relevant service, or I go with them (or make the call) with the person.

I wonder if this is something you will be able to do?

Hi @tyme, I did encourage her to go back and see her therapist which she did for one session. I almost don’t know if some of the things are too much I think it just feels like if that makes sense cause I feel like I don’t have space to relax before I have to jump on to help with her stuff. I’m a pretty busy person so I think I often don’t have a lot of time for my own emotions anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense but.

Oh hun. It sounds like boundaries are even more important. I can speak from the perspective of a 'needy' person. In the past, because of my complex mental health, I latched onto anyone who appeared more steady than myself and I'd push a lot of boundaries. When one issue was 'resolved', I'd hop to the next issue. Upon reflection, this was part of my emotional dysregulation.

If the people I latched on to were not steady enough, they would burn out with compassion fatigue @Tarmac_6

I'm not sure if this has similarities to what you are going through.

Nowadays, things are completely different. I've had the therapy I needed and things have completely turned around - for the better. But this was professional support - I doubt it would've been something a friend could've tackled alone.

I hope you remember to look after yourself!

So I guess I just have to try and find ways to look after myself then? @tyme

Just an update @tyme @MJG017 @rav3n, I was honestly feeling so overwhelmed and panicky when I got home from work so I sent her a message saying that I just need a night to myself but I’m here if she needs me. I know it’s not perfect and it’s not making me feel like a great person but I think it’s something I have to do for myself.