Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Hi @tyme

Thanks for your responses.

"What's been happening for you, mate?"

I've been very tired as usual, but also very busy just doing normal life stuff. I just can't get rest even if I take a day off work. I haven't called LifeLine in a few days now which has been good I guess, and I did leave the house to go and get something from the hardware store on Sunday which was something I was beginning to find a bit difficult for some reason.

I'll try answer those questions.

Yes, I've tried meds. I can't remember how many different ones, but there's been anti-depressants, ant-anxiety, and ADD meds, as well as TMS. Currently, I only take a low dosage of the ADD meds. I have been officially diagnosed with ADD but I kind of think it's more this fear/dread/stress thing that's preventing me from properly concentrating on things and not actual attention deficit disorder. These meds do help in this respect - at this point I don't think I would be able to do my normal job without them. I'm a bit worried about this as the psychiatrist who first prescribed me them has retired and I haven't got another one (either they're all booked out or I cannot afford them - they're now $900 a session!).

"Are you much into ground activities?"

Like meditation and mindfulness? Try as I might, I can't seem to do them. It's like creating space by sitting still and trying to meditate gives the fear/dread/stress more space to come to the forefront of the of the mind. I did really try this for a long time - downloaded all the apps, attended a couple of meditation classes. I think sometimes it's better to keep my mind as busy as possible so the fear isn't always at the front of everything, but this can be exhausting.

"And I'm guessing you're physically 'well'?"
More or less. Over the years I've had a lot of blood tests trying to find things that might be contributing to this problem. I've also seen nutritionists and dietitians and tried a lot of supplements. Also done a few sleep studies. I used to be pretty fit as well, but recently - as in the last few months - my physical fitness has fallen by the wayside as I'm just too exhausted and my body feels like it's given up. I've put on a bit of weight again and my stamina isn't what it was.

Many thanks again.

Hey @Jlol ,

Thank you for opening up and sharing.

I know you mentioned your psych is retiring. Can he organise a GP to follow up with your meds? There is a way for a GP to apply to be able to prescribe meds to you if it has been approved. Geeez! $900. There's a lot in my head, but I'm not going to open up this can of worms as this is not what my post is about!

I just want to say, good on you for reaching out to Lifeline. I know you had hesitations about it. And look, despite protocol, it's not a 'fun' thing for them to escalate. So I feel that if you are open and honest about what you are calling, then they wont' just jump to escalations.

As for blood tests, I don't know how old you are, but I found that for me, as I get older, there are little changes in my body that can have significant impact on my mental health e.g. iron levels, thyroid, liver issues, heart issues... so yeah, I always get checked out physically first before I look at the mental health stuff.

As for mindfulness, I used to HATE it! Have you watched BBC's The Mindfulness Experiment? It was after this, and the work of my psychologist that I finally persevered with minfulness and broke through. And wow.. you can actually FEEL the difference when you do it properly.

I hope things improve for you. Please stay connected.

And once again, thank you for your openness and willingess to connect. It is very much appreciated.

Hi @tyme,

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, my previous psychiatrist has allowed my GP to prescribe meds and he has been doing that for a while now. However, he has stated that he feels uncomfortable doing so without the support of a psychiatrist and after this last prescription will no longer make anymore.

Yes I agree that it would not be 'fun' for them to escalate. But I just can't get on board with it. In theory it makes sense: someone says they're going to unalive then it's only natural you should do something to prevent it.
However, in practice this isn't always a good thing. Like I say, in my state you're arrested for being s**idal and you have to deal with the stress, embarrassment, and everything else that comes with that. Sometimes you even have to deal with verbal and physical abuse from police.

I think I can say with 100% certainty that if you're already in such a state that you're considering unaliving and then you get arrested and abused for reaching out to talk about it then your mood is not going to improve. In fact, there was a study some years ago by the Uni of South Australia that clearly demonstrated a s**cidal person is more likely to unalive themselves within the next 24hrs after such an intervention, than having no intervention at all.

Some might say that the key is follow up assistance after the intervention. But in some states this simply doesn't exist, and in many others the waiting list is far, far too long.

This is old and well understood information. It is argued, and should be argued, back and forth about the police or public health service or whoever needing to improve how they handle these situations, but the raw fact is none of them have changed and organisations who adhere to Duty of Care like Sane and LifeLine are in fact causing more harm when they trigger an intervention.

It angers me a lot that these organisations* claim to care but really don't. If they did they wouldn't cause more harm and increase the chances of a person unaliving by triggering an intervention.

So, it leaves me and many people like me in a far more isolated space and having to dance around the big 'S' word, receiving mixed messages. "You can and should openly talk to professionals about your concerns regarding s**cide, but if you do you might get arrested and abused which will make you feel even worse and statistically increase your chances of going through with it". I mean, this is insane right?
That's why I sometimes seem to come down hard on Sane moderators in these forums for censoring the S word. I see it as being complicit in this problem.

*I'm talking about the organisation as an entity, not the individuals working within them who are amazing.

Hey @Jlol ,

Hos are you travelling?

Hey @tyme,

Yeah not doing too well. Really not well.

Hey @Jlol what's going on for you today?

Sorry to hear that you're not doing well, let us know if there's something we can do to support you here.

Hi @Ru-bee I replied but it was deleted for some reason. I made sure to not break any of the rules. I guess my reply was "too sad" or something.

Hey @Jlol

Did you want some company?

I just want to say that I've followed your posts over many many years. You may not notice, but I feel there has been a huge shift in your posts - in a good way. To the point that I look forward to reading your posts.

I recognise things may not feel the best at the moment, but please know that it's not an uncommon place. I can assure you that I've sat in some pretty deep places and it's a miracle I'm still around.

I'll send you a quick email so watch for it mate.

Hi @Ru-bee

I was told the reply wasn't positive enough.

EDIT: Update. It was removed for reasons I don't understand.

Hey @Jlol hearing that this has been confusing. I have been able to see your reply and I appreciate your honesty. When we're talking about the community guidelines I think one is often forgotten which is to "Tell The Community What Youd Need" so that we can still promote discussions that support recovery and personal well-being, even on the tough days. So this means it's okay to be honest with what you're feeling (of course considering the guidelines around when to seek emergency help and limiting detailed descriptions), but when you are honest and posting about the tough days, it's important to tell the community what you need.

We do genuinely want to know how you are, but we also need to always be considering the safety of the community which is why we have those guidelines.