Life sentence for a crime I did not commit - nor did anyone else with Bipolar

Hi Vonziker,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your feelings. I can see that you are angry and pissed off, however you are looking at ways to move forward. Well done. I am sure you will find this forum helpful and surportive.

Take care, Mojo.

@Vonziker

Hello Vonziker, my name is Rick. Welcome to the forum.

I see you are more than annoyed at having a completely nonvolitional illness.

Most of here can dig it. None of us have asked for this particular monkey on the back. Some of us have a genetic predisposition, some have gotten ill through substance use, some have MI through developmental trauma and some have been traumatised later in life through no fault of their own.

All of us how experienced the anger of which you speak.

It has been my experience that that very anger may be a product iof an internal ambivalence. A conflict between finding fault and acceptance of of circumstances.

I can tell I truly understand those thoughts of "I don't deserve this". Of course not, there are few, who deserve ongoing pain and confusion.

For myself I occasioanlly still get really feckin pissed about this stuff. But I've decided that that level of anger serves no one well. Anger can be a positive motivatiing force, but endless pointless anger only deepens the depression. It's like the anger itself carves out a deep channel for the depression to wallow in.

It is true too the anger such as you describe is also part of the grief processs. And this makes perfect sense. If you've recently had a dignosis and been told that this is it for you for life, then the old perceptions and the familiar patterns experience a kind of death. And so it is normal to grieve. Acceptance comes only through time and the practical application of hope. The outlook though for managing bipolar 2 is very good.

Though the causes of the illness are not well understood, the treatments are. Medications are regularly effective, and regular therapy sessions are useful for identifying triggers and for self assessment of upcoming epeisodes.

Many people with bipolar 2 experience significant periods of time when they are symptom free. Most of the appropriate medications are taken even during these periods to level out the impact of acute symptoms.

One thing I know does help is sharing the shit around. This forum is just the palce you can do that in safety. You can vent your spleen here, people will offer what words they have, and I have found that by engaging in the support of others I am distracted from my own bunch of bollocks and that is a releeif in and of itself.

So again I say, welcome! You are not alone. You do not need to be alone.

There is something I have learned though at times it frustrates me, that hope is possible and and acuteness is time limited.

Hope does endure

Rick

Dear @Vonziker

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for such a baldly honest post. It takes a lot of courage to "jump in" and post - I hope you will find that we are a community of encouraging and non-judgemental folk, with many different diagnoses, but a common goal of working towards wellness (whatever that means for each of us). We welcome honesty - in my experience if we can be more honest with ourselves and others it helps greatly with our own growth journey.

I can relate to the anger. I have bipolar 1 and C-PTSD, the bipolar apparently triggered into activity by multiple childhood traumas (including CSA and neglect). I have carried the anger (& the disease) for far longer than I've had the diagnosis (self-diagnosed and then confirmed by my psych in early 2011). I take it from your comment that you have a pretty clear understanding of at least some of the reasons why your bipolar has been expressed (rather than being latent). So my guess is you are feeling very angry about the situation(s) & person(s) which have caused this expression. That is very understandable. And completely justifiable.

One of the things I struggle back and forth with (and this has been over 30+ years) is that if I hold the anger I tend to turn it onto myself, which leads to excruciating and prolonged acute depression (including suicidal ideation at times). Whereas if (a big & difficult if!) I can manage to acknowledge and use the anger as fuel for the energy I need to work on dealing with some of the issues - which tend to freeze me in unwellness - then I can harness it for a path of self-growth. This is no simple thing. Much easier to say than do, and inevitably I tend to do a bit of both. What I have found is: the more I can look at and work on the anger then I can experience the immense grief that lies beneath my anger. When I can feel and release the grief it shifts the anger from debilitating all-consuming rage to "that wasn't ok, but it happened" - then I can hold it in a gentler place. Self-compassion is very hard work but worth the pain.

In terms of responding to my diagnosis itself: I found it helpful, and deeply distressful. Helpful because it gave me some handles for better understanding my own journey and for working on managing my own health more effectively. Because the sad reality is - whatever happened to us to cause the MI - it is we who live with the daily reality and only we who can find our own path to wellness (with good, compassionate help). Distressful because I felt I had handed my kids a fully loaded MI gun (especially my youngest, whose father has also had a bipolar 1 diagnosis, presently refuted for C-PTSD - my experience would say he has both like me). It was also terrifying because I was very frightened I would end up in hospital with it (something I cannot do). It took me a couple of years to realise that a) I'd been living with it (undiagnosed) most of my life, and b) if I'd kept out of hospital when I didn't know what I had then I was less likely to go there with knowing because c) I'd got quite good at managing the unknown, and knowing had enabled me to get much better at manging it.

I guess the other thing which has made a big difference to me is a growing understanding of the gifts within my affliction. And I am truly sorry this will seem very painful if these have not begun to emerge (or be clear) for you yet. I have found that the things which happened, and my struggles with them and my MI, have deeply shaped me as a person. That I am a much better and (counter-intuitively) more whole person than I ever would have been without this illness. I still struggle a great deal with it, especially at triggering times, but I also know I am a kinder, stronger, more compassionate and creative person as a direct result of what I have survived.

I would also say that I have been very blessed with some excellent help along the way with mostly compassionate psychologists and psychiatrist (and the odd exception, which I get away from ASAP). This forum is also a great help. It makes a huge difference knowing you are a valued member of as community, even if we can't actually see one another and remain anonymous. Being able to be completely real here is a huge help, especially when I am struggling. So I would encourage you to keep posting. You may also want to look up other's posts by searching on things like bipolar, to get a feel for the "place".

I wonder if others might also have some responses to your post - @Uggbootdiva , @kato , @Alessandra1992 . Also @Rick if you are up to it my friend, so sorry to hear you are not well!

I wish you blessings on your journeying Voniker.

As Rick says (and it's rubbed off!) hope endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

omg.

Um. I cannot believe how beautifully both of you @Rick and @kristin expressed the feelings and emotions of having MI, and how both of you don't rise above the MI, you use it as a bloody ladder to climb to where you need to go!!

@Vonziker- welcome! This forum is so good, it's so so great to have people who get "it" to share/vent with, I love the anonymity being able to say terrible thoughts out loud. And sometimes when Rick and Kristin post something like teh above posts, I wish it wasn't anonymous. But I think I get to know something of them anyway and for that I am truly grateful.

@Rickand @kristin I am very interested in how both of you deal with the anger. I'm looking for the place between anger at injustice and unfairness, and the calm acceptance that the world is unfair. Because the former is too destructive and leads straight to bad places, and the latter just leads down the bad path another windier way.

@Uggbootdiva

Hi Diva

Well! Anger huh? Aint it just a kick in the crotch?

The anger that many of us feel is only one emotion that we have trouble with.

The overall issue for so many is known as "Emotional Regulation" And irony being what it is , That issue is something that I've been dealing with for the last 2 weeks or so.

It is a part of some Bipolar, BPD, PTSD and my personal favourite, CPTSD.

Emotional regulation is a trait that most peole don't need to think about. They can automatically regulate happiness, sadnesss, anger, joy, excitement, depression, fear, confidence, hate and love.

For others, like myself, this is not automatic. For many years I was at the mercy of this pathology. I was unable to control when or where or how or even the why of these states. It would come upon without warning and without any recognistion of what was happening. I just felt stuff. Mostly the negaative stuff. To this day I do not know what happiness is, or joy, confidence or excitement. I just have a blandness there where these emotions should be.

Love on the other hand I discovered in the birth of my daughter. Iti is not a whole love that many experience but I have learned that even if I only have a fraction of it that is good enough for me.

When In was grwoing up form the ages of 3 to 19 I learned that love and pain were one. So I'm doing pretty good now, all things considered.

So as to how one controls these "negative" or dysfunctional states it's simple but not easy.

Firstly I don't attempt to control them. That can be very frustrating and simply adds fuel to that particualr fire.

Instead I take the sting out of it.

Uncontrollable sadness accompanied by weeping is one of the things that happens to me. It happens often and requires no trigger. It just happens.

I have discovered over time a physical precursor to it. It is always preceded with a physical chill and goosebumps. Even in the heat of summer.

So I weep, and the grief or sadness is something that can actually be tasted.

When this happens I remind my self that it is only a feeling. It has no rational cause, and is simply a neurologically determined thing.

I understand that through the wrenching and evil acts of vilolence done to me, my brain has certain neurological malformities that are a direct consequence of developmental trauma.

I explain to myself that that it is only natural to feel sadness or grief or anger for the things done to me.

But I do not have to buy into them. I am not a boy any more. Yes that damage is there, but so am I and I am more than the sum of my illness. I was powerless in a brutal situation but today I have the power and noone will ever be allowed to brutalise me again.

So I acknowledge the reality of my brains dysfunction but I reject it's relevance of my life today.

I am no longer being hurt. I was, and fair enogh being sad and angry is appropriate. But today I live. It is my life. My decisions.

In the simplest of terms, I can't stop it but I don't allow myself to dwell on it. Just experience it and move on. I know it'll be back but knowing removes the fear or dread. I expect it and ignore even as it happens.

Is it always easy? Feck no! But for me it works.

Understanding the neuropsychology of it has help me to accept that which is nonvolitional.

Hope this helps,

In the end though I rely simply and quietly of the fact that

Hope endures

Rick

I suppose it is regulation @rick .

I just fly off the handle, it feels like I have very little control over it. which also makes me really angry. I just explode. I am super irritable and the smallest most insignificant thing can set me off. which makes it pretty crap to live with me, I don't like living with me when I am like this.

Logically, I can say "oh don't sweat the small stuff", it doesn't matter. In fact I completely agree with this philosophy,and I get cross when people over react to stuff (haha see the irony there??) but my reactions betray me. I also get very weepy when depressed but I seem to be able to handle that much better.

I tend to experience things very intensely, and have heightened emotions whether happy, sad, angry or whatever I feel them very deeply. So sometimes a removed state that some of the forum users describe where they feel numb sounds rather wonderful. Until I remember loving my child so much that it hurts. I guess its worth feelings to feel that. To have loved and lost etc.

You are right, hope does endure. It can be seen simply by the fact that the majority of humanity keeps on living, keeps having children, keeps getting married/into relationships and just keeps going.

You are an incredibly insightful person. Quite amazing. I am so grateful you are part of this forum - I'd best go add that to the gratitude posts!

@Vonziker

Firstly welcome to the Forum,

I this week have been really struggling with what to write and post on the forum, one of the joys i get every now and then is i second guess everything that i do, i don't know if it is my bipolar or something else.

I read your post, and i have written around 8 different responses and then deleted them. The reason, i don't view my diagnosis as an evil or insidious thing, i am not angry about it or see it as a life sentence, don't get me wrong tho, i have anger, worse i have hate, but it is directed at myself for not keeping to the treatment schedule the first time, for thinking that i was better and didn't need the medications or keep seeing the psychologist i was seeing.

Because i felt that way, i allowed myself to get sick, i realised to late tho, and i have lost alot in the last few months, however i can't blame it on my bipolar, i only blame myself for not making sure i was getting the right treatment.

try not to be too hard on yourself tho, no one asks, to be sick physically or mentally, sometimes we just have to do the best we can, and strive to not let our illness be who we are.

I hope this makes sense

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