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I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

PC3Contributor24 Feb 2017, 12:55 pm AEDT

I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Hi Folks,

I've been with my partner for a year and half now and during this time we've had ups and downs centered around his fluctuating moods. I'm a very patient person but it's starting to take a toll on our relationship and my strength in understanding his behaviour. When he's in a good mood, he's totally loving, affectionate, and funny but when he's in a negative mood, he's abrupt, dismissive, impatient, non-engaging. The thing that has affected me about the negative mood is that he chooses to chat to his friends over drinks, engages in social media but doesn't talk to me unless I engage first.

At first I just couldn't understand what I did to deserve such treatment but I've started to piece together some information he has provided me over the course of our 18 month relationship to suspect him of suffering from some sort of mental health issue. I feel he knows this about himself but may be to scared or embarrased to tell me the full story. I know from lots of little conversations that his brother suffers from schizoprenia and that his son suffers from anxiety issues. One of his siblings said that he's complicated and asked if he was treating me right, but we never got into addressing either statement or question. Also, my partner some time ago mentioned that he doesn't deal with stress well (but I think he's down-playing the situation) and that he's complicated. The other thing to add is that he drinks quite a bit, but when he sets his mind to it, he can go cold-turkey for a while. But mostly, i think he seeks comfort in drinking.

Right now I feel he's in a negative cycle. Just recently he's had to deal with a family situation involving multiple siblings, but in a daily situation he's chosen to remain 'friendly' with his kids, his friends, his work, but not me and also work on his hobby which he's obsessed over. Yet I'm the one who interacts with him more regularly i.e. face-to-face but at the moment there is no care factor.

Ofcourse, I feel rejected and unimportant in his life. I've asked, via text, if I've done something to upset him and he responds saying no, he's just got alot on. Recently, when not in a negative mood, he did open up and say that he thinks there's something wrong and I said that we can look into it together. He agreed to seeing someone. But he's back in a low, and I don't know whether I should bring it up now or wait til he's more positive. He's stressed out now and I'm not sure if he'll hear what I have to say.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm finding it difficult to not question myself and I want to support him, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

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In response to: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor13 Mar 2017, 9:26 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

I am glad it has helped you @PC3 .....

Take it in baby steps, and listen to your own integrity as you go. I think your path will open and you will be able to work out what you can live with and what you can't ..... but deal yourself a hand at the table .... you are just as important as anyone else ..... be as considerate to yourself as you would be to anyone else, and expect that from others too ....

🌷💕

In response to: Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Shaz51Senior Contributor15 Mar 2017, 4:36 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

@PC3, how are you today my friend xx

In response to: Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

PC3Contributor15 Mar 2017, 10:53 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Hi @Faith-and-Hope and @Shaz51,

Well things have changed in the last few days and to be honest I'm not doing so great. On Sunday morning my partner broke up with me. It was quite a shock because only as recently as last week, he mentioned that he wanted to move in with me. The night before I felt he was quite distant and I asked him if anything was wrong, but he said no. Then in the morning, he was cold and I asked him again, and that's when he said it's not working. I was dumbfounded. I didn't expect that because things have been good.

But he said that things weren't progressing, that I didn't do anything for him, that we're different people etc.

Within about half an hour he asked me to take my things and leave. He asked me for his keys back and gave mine back to me. I asked him if we could work on things and he saidI had 18 months to work on it. I said I can't just turn off my feelings like that and he said that I just had to deal with me feelings. So all in all, he was very harsh.

I asked if he no longer loved or cared for me, but he didn't say that he didn't. I feel the things he broke up over were things you fight about daily but not break-up worthy...at least not to me.

He has even said that that he felt I was sitting around and waiting for my demise. I was shocked. But it made me think of what you said @Faith-and-Hope, that I was twiddling my thumbs and he took it that I was boring and didn't have anything going on.

My heart is broken and I can't stop crying. I love the guy and he cut me off as if the last 18 months meant nothing.

I don't know if there is a possibiity of reconciling but right now I certainly hope so. I spoke to a few people and they said to give him space as he's dealing with alot of family issues. I'm not sure if time will change his mind but I'm worried.

He's made a decision without any communication or prior discussion and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with that.

I just don't know what to do 😞

In response to: Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 1:10 am AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

@PC3 ..... from my perspective, it is important to take care of you while you grieve the loss of this relationship. If something changes for him, he may come back looking for you with an apology and an explanation, but at the moment it looks like he is saying quite clearly, "it's my way or the highway" .... because he doesn't want to be questioned or asked to change in any way, shape or form.

Trying to unmask my hubby's mi in front of the dr caused him to do effectively the same thing, in that he moved into the spare room and told his brother we were separated.

In other words, he has chosen his mi over us, and that left me with the choice of either accepting that the mi was going to live with us, and we would be walking on eggshells around it until he either woke from denial, or suffered a major health crisis, or it was time for me to leave, but he would not have made it as easy for me as your guy has for you. And with the kids involved, they had to be my highest priority.

I suggest you call in some girlfriends and have serious me-time to help you grieve .... don't let anyone say anything negative about him if you're not ready to hear it, and good friends will respect that.

If you try to go chasing after him at this time, I think you will just receive more cold and heart-breaking behaviour, as that is the state of mind driving him.

Hugs .... I really feel for you, but I don't want to see you set yourself up for more of this sort of pain. Until he achieves a different mindset, this sounds like it's all he is capable of.

💜💐💕

In response to: Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

PC3Contributor16 Mar 2017, 4:24 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

@Faith-and-Hope, sorry just saw that I posted twice about the same thing. I didn't think the first post where I mentioned the break up went through which is why I did another post 🙂

You're spot on. He said "I had to make a decision, and I've made it" and he closed his mind to any sort of discussion.

I ended up calling his sister and spoke to her for about 4 hours. She was shocked by some of the things I said but she was incredibly supportive. All she really said was that he's complicated and a super-sensitive person. She said that she doesn't know what will happen but to give him space. He has alot of family things to deal with in the next 3 weeks or so, and suggested that maybe after that contact him. If he's totally serious about me getting all my things from his place, then I guess he'll call me sooner rather than later. But I think to give both of us the best possible chance of not yelling at each other, I think I will leave it for a few weeks. It will either give him time to re-think his actions. So I agree with you, if I push now, it will set him off even more which is no good for either of us.

You are a brave person. Your family is very lucky to have you! I'm truly sorry for the way you're having to live with it and so appreciate you giving me a glimpse into how things can be.

If the stars align, maybe he'll come to his senses and realise that it's in his best interest to try and work through these issues.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and keep myself busy and focus on myself.

I'm so grateful for your advice xxx

In response to: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 4:34 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Wishing you all the very best with it @PC3 ....

Similarity in issues between us can give us an empathy to walk along with each other ....

Happy to chat when the going is hard, and a laugh in lighter moments ....

Take care

🌷💜

In response to: Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Shaz51Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 9:44 pm AEDT

Re: I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

thinking of you @PC3

sending you lots of hugs my friend

we are here for you xx

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