I suspect that my partner suffers from a mood disorder. How do I approach him about it?

Hi @PC3

Your partner is very lucky to have someone who cares so much about him

From what I've read of your post there seems to be two things going on here

1) When he's in a negative mood he is abrupt, dismissive, impatient and non-engaging

2) He hasn't disclosed to you what's going on for him and he hasn't quite opened up.

Although both are leaving you feeling rejected and unimportant, they are different matters.

Unfortunately, those closest can sometimes bear the brunt of the negative moods. However, you need to be clear on where you boundaries are on how someone treats you. It's a boundary that is really hard to establish. There's always that question of where does the illness start and finish - and what is just disrespectful behaviour. It's a tricky one.

In terms of disclosure - from what I've read from other carers here, is that all we can do is just let the person know we are there for them whenever they need us and want to talk. Rushing it or pushing for someone to share doesn't seem to have a good outcome.

I'd be keen to hear how @funkykristi manages this with their new partner. In their post Mentally ill partner , funkykristi mentions having an "upfront and honest " relationship, so they may have some suggestions / tips.

Do any other members have tips for PC3 (maybe @Shaz51 or @Faith-and-Hope ?)

Hi @PC3

It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who engages with you at times, then disengages at other times.

I have a husband in the grip of an undiagnosed eating disorder. His daily regimen is an obsession of exercise and careful, measured eating rituals, and rigid 7/7 menu, and all his relationships have gone to the back burner, including ours as husband and wife. What time we do have with him is generally a meeting of obligations, including social engagements, but this requires pre-planning and a set of checks and balances to make it happen.

Once the (now adult) kids and I came to terms with the fact that we can't reach him, and can't secure any sort of medical intervention while the problem is masked as a healthy lifestyle change, and he is in denial about it, we have made the choice to stay with him.

This involves setting boundaries, as @NikNik mentioned. While he is so focussed on his own interests, I have taken the opportunity to invest in my own interests and self-care, because I will go spare otherwise, sitting around waiting for him to "change back" which is not likely to happen any time soon. I would advise you to do the same thing. When he wants your attention and company, let him find that you are not waiting around for him, twiddling your thumbs, that you have a life you are getting on with around his moods. It gives him the understanding that whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to, and how shabbily he treats you during his down cycle is not okay.

Kudos to you that he has agreed to see somebody, but I also agree that it is pointless raising this again in his negative behaviour cycle. If he has noticed that it is disruptive to his way of life, his relationships, his happiness, then this may be a starting point to re-engage the idea of seeing someone, and you can ask to make an appointment, which gets the ball rolling. I believe your gp is your first contact to seeking help.

All the best

🌷💜

F&H

Hello @PC3 xx

How are you today

You wrote But he's back in a low, and I don't know whether I should bring it up now or wait til he's more positive. -- Don`t bring anything up when he is low

I know totally what you mean , i have learn -- took me a while because I thought I had done something wrong and be in tears which did not help at all

Just being there for him untl he talks about it , My hubby does this but it takes a whole day until he finally speaks about it

and sometimes I want to say " Is that It" that is bothering you -- but I don`t

Hi @NikNik,

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I think you're spot on with regards to setting boundaries and this is something I do find difficult to do. I guess my confidence has taken a beating and because I love the guy, I'm scared to have those difficult conversations for fear of losing him. But I guess there comes a point where I need to value myself otherwise it may give him the idea that it's ok to continue treating me that way.

Appreciate you bringing this to my attention.

Hi @Faith-and-Hope,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It really helps to kknow that there are others going through similar situations.

You're right about not sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I guess I have put myself on hold as I've been so focused on him and how I can make our relationship better. If I look at the way he operates, he definitely does what he wants to do, with sometimes very little thought for how it would affect our relationship. Personally I think he also focuses so heavily on his interests to keep his mind occupied.

So I guess I need to try and do a couple of things in parallel - focus on myself and when the time is right, try and see a professional. It may be a few weeks before that happens as he's currently working through a family situation.

@Faith-and-Hope, thank you so much!

Hi @Shaz51,

Sorry for the late reply.

It's a funny situation...waiting to bring up sensitive topics like these when he's more positive can also test me. I look forward to the positives that I almost don't want to ruin it by bringing up what is perceived as negative.

But I think I just need to bite the bullet and go for it when he's in a happier mood. And I don't want to paint the picture that he's hardly in a positive mood. He definitely is, maybe more so than negative.

Last night he was very appreciative of me listening to him and he did say that I was good ti him. It's always nice to hear something like that.

Hi @Faith-and-Hope, @Shaz51, @NikNik,

Well yesterday morning my partner broke up with me. It caught me by surprise because only a few days ago he was saying that he was still wanting to move in with me. So when he said that it wasn't working and that there's been no progress, it caught me off guard. He asked me to take all my things and leave and also asked me for his keys back. I gave them back and he gave mine back to me.

He also said that I wass sitting around waiting to die which shocked me. And it reminded me that I clearly was sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to come around, that instead he perceived that as not having any life.

All the things that he said were wrong with the relationship were things you fight over, but not break up over. And he basically said that I'm selfish because I don't do things for him like buy him coffee etc. I reminded him of all the things I did for him and then he accused me of keeping score.

I think I pushed him too far by asking him to see a counsellor before and he said he doesn't want to work on the relationship and that there's nothing wrong with him.

So I guess he went into self-preservation mode and as a result he broke up with me.

I'm not sure whether there is any possibility of getting back together but I do want to speak to his sister who definitely has info on what he has been through and possibly why he behaves the way he does.

I'm totally heart-broken :-(.

PC3

If he is in the denial stage @PC3, there is very little you can do to get through to him, which is where we are still at with my husband.

We have chosen to walk on eggshells for the moment, and accept his masking of the problem because, unfortunately, until he wakes up to himself, or suffers a health crisis major enough to unmask him, we really are caught in limbo, or forced to abandon the relationship, which is likely to be destroyed in the process of leaving him.

Its an untenable situation, and very painful, but you can only work with what you have, and anyone endeavouring to push him has been met with the same response you have received.

I had to go to the doctor under the pretext of sorting out something else, and talk about my husband's illness in front of him to get anywhere in terms of understanding from the dr, but it resulted in my hubby moving into the spare room and telling my BIL that we were separated. It took massive arguments, and the commitment to not pursuing it any further with him to get him to back down from that stance, and we have been stuck on that page ever since, watching him decline, which unfortunately is the only direction this illness takes until it is diagnosed and treated.

Out of my hands.

I am telling you this so you can see that until that denial begins to shift, this is what it is to live with someone with these sorts of mi issues. If you apologised, and conceded to not press him over it (effectively pretending the illness doesn't exist) he might "take you back" but at what cost to your own health under those circumstances ?

It is definitely heartbreaking. Hearing you. Walking with you.

🌷💜

Hi @Faith-and-Hope,

Thank you so much for sharing with me. You have given me a perspective to think about but in doing so, it saddens me to hear what you have gone through.

Eggshells is right...I mentioned to him that I purposely backed off during the last few months to give him space to cope with work, family issues but I think that has come across that I don't care and purposely slowing down the relationship. Not my intention at all but unfortunately he didn't want to enter into a discussion.

Using topics that people have little fights over versus breaking up isn't enough explanation for me. I feel that his sister can help me understand him, and if it means that I have to walk away and try not to reconcile, then at least I know why. I prefer not to speculate so I hope she will help me.I know I risk him getting angry at me for reaching out to her but this is to help me.

It's so upsetting that it has come to this. I gave him my love andsupport and he really hasn't acknowledged my contribution.

And reading what you said about whether I should go back in any case, is food for thought.

Thank you for sticking with me. I've needed the support and you've truly helped xxx