Something's not right .... with me.... but I'm getting better!!

I wasn't sure where to post this, so posted here. If any mod thinks this is not the right place please feel free to relocate it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reading lately in relation to myself. As a result of my own childhood trauma and abuse, and prolonged NPD abuse from my husband, I have been diagnosed with CPTSD. Due to this I have to live with a host of symptoms, most of which are involuntary responses to triggers in my external environment. One of the core issues that I have to deal with are external triggers which activate emotional and physiological responses that are not commensurate with the situation. In the course of my ongoing therapy, and self-help via extensive reading, I realised that some of my most intense emotional responses have been in direct relation to my son’s mental health issues. Somehow his behaviour at times has managed to target my own Archille’s heel (or “hot button”) and amplified my own sense of hopelessness, helplessness, shame, guilt, etc. It can also trigger a severe anxiety/panic reaction and an enormous amount of distress. This got me thinking. Is it possible that the emotional responses and distress we often experience in relation to our loved ones with MI contain important information about ourselves that is worthy of further exploration?

In the course of my own personal work I have been able to become more mindful of my emotional reactions. Whilst I do not have the power to change many things, such as my son’s severe depression and social anxiety, or our frustratingly inadequate mental health system, I do have the power to change how I react. I have taken the time to sit back and objectively investigate why I reacted the way I did, how I felt, etc. and have critically pulled apart my feelings/emotions. In doing this I have been able to develop some healthy self-awareness. The beauty of this has been that as my own self-awareness has increased, my powerful and often distressing emotional reactions have decreased. Simply naming them and being aware of them, along with their origins and link to a situation, has removed a lot of their power.

Our emotions have the power to influence our behaviour, guide our decisions, change our mood, trigger physiological stress reactions, etc, etc. They can also be a powerful non-verbal communicator that can have a negative impact on others, often without our awareness.

I now realise that my emotional reactions could well have been exacerbating my son’s MI. Watching a Mum breakdown in tears, or become frustratingly angry, despairing and anxious, etc. certainly couldn’t have been good on so many levels. The great thing now is that as I have “calmed” down, he has also shown improvement/stabilisation. I can now use the same principles to help him tease out his emotions, become more aware of his reactions, choices, etc. and develop his own self-awareness, and can lead by example. I now see how vitally important it is for us carers to be as healthy as possible in both body and mind if we are to be effective.

My sage advice is this: the next time your loved one with MI creates an emotional response/reaction in you, or you feel stressed and overwhelmed with things, take a step back and give yourself some time to explore your feelings, the triggers, your reactions, etc. and be mindful of how these could have impacted upon the person you care for. Shift the focus from trying to get them to change, onto changing how you react.

Janna