Hey @0ddsidian
Growing up in a home with violence, psychological abuse and neglect left me in a pretty permanent state of anxiety.
I feel like my parents pretty much stopped parenting by the time I was eleven, my father because he left and we rarely saw him, and my mother due to mental health issues and addiction. No one really checked in on me or asked me how I was, which was really what it felt like for my whole childhood.
After Mum started drinking all the time, I lived in caretaker mode, doing everything I could not to be a burden to her, not to cost her any money and trying to help her to feel less sad and overwhelmed. I was very good at hiding what was going on from the outside world. I was an actor and a chameleon and a chronic people pleaser who adapted myself to try to be whatever anyone else wanted me to be because I felt like if anyone knew the "real me" they would run a mile. I was really good at putting on a confident and happy face but inside I felt pretty much worthless and unloveable.
I tried to numb my feelings, and participated in a fair amount of risk taking behaviour, especially alcohol use, which I imagine I might not have done to the extent I did, had there been people looking out for me. I made all my life decisions on my own, when in hindsight, I probably really could have used some advice.
My mum left to go into rehab in a city 700 kilometres away from where I lived when I was sixteen and starting year twelve. I opted to stay behind to finish school, but this meant I had the additional pressure of paying bills, doing all my cooking and cleaning and washing etc. while also trying to focus on my studies and keep the fact I was living without any parents hidden from school. I was always pretty good at school so I did okay, but I am sure I would have done a whole lot better if I had someone looking after me instead of having to look after myself.
Like many people who experienced a lot of adversity as children, I developed complex PTSD. I found trusting people really hard and would spend weeks worrying about tiny mistakes I had made. I isolated myself a lot and felt chronically unworthy and full of shame. I had a lot of negative self talk and went through phases of deep self loathing.
There was also an economic impact. Having to pay my own way from such a young age and not feeling like there was a safety net added to the feeling of constant stress. I never had any savings and often ended up paying rent on my credit card. I have spent a huge amount of money on therapy over the years to recover and try to ensure I didn't repeat the patterns of my past. I could probably have bought a house for the amount I have spent (given how old I am and how cheap houses were at the time!).
I don't regret the therapy, though it would have been nice to be a property mogul. I now have a happy marriage and lovely kids and I do everything in my power to be a good parent to them. They are my number one priority in life. I don't think I would have these relationships if I hadn't done the work to heal my attachment wounds, re-parent myself, regulate my nervous system etc. etc. So much therapy!!!
I am aware that I experienced 9 of the 10 adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and people with 6 or more ACEs have a decreased life expectancy of 20 years. This honestly does play on my mind every single day because I really, really want to be there for my kids for as long as I can. I want to be an engaged grandparent to their children (if they have them), to help them through their whole lives and give them as much love and support as I can. I am worried that my capacity to do this might be cut short because of the physical impact of the ACEs (and the not always healthy numbing I have done over the years).
But I try not to dwell on this too much because it is not happening in this moment. It is outside of my control. And dwelling on everything that might go wrong in the future flips my nervous system into survival mode, which I work really hard to avoid where I can. My focus is on the present and trying to appreciate all the tiny, beautiful moments that happen in my life every day.
