Lifelong CPTSD, struggling with relapse

Hi @Bohdi_24 and welcome to the forums

Firstly, I just want to say good on you for reaching out here and giving it a go. It's not easy to put yourself out there and share your story.

I can hear how much of a constant these struggles have been for you. I am curious about the period of time you mentioned where the medication was working. Was this a few years, or just a short period of time? And were you able to talk to your doctor when you felt like it wasn't as effective and discuss options on where to from there?

I hear you that you don't feel that your beautiful new baby has brought on these current anxiety attacks. I do wonder if this could be tied to postnatal depression and anxiety at all... Sometimes symptoms don't emerge until up to a year post-partum, and having previous difficulties with mental health, and trauma can leave you more predisposed to experience this. I may be off base, but it just made me wonder if it could be worth looking into. PANDA has great information about this and a helpline if it sounds like something you want to check out.

I'm hearing that you've tried a lot of different methods to addressing what you've been through, and right now it sounds like you're doing the best you can to get through this and be there for your daughter. It's completely fair to now quire know what you're looking for from these forums, and I hope if nothing else they can be a safe and supportive space for you

Thank you for responding.

I didn't know postnatal could come on so late. I am returning to work soon so that may be a part of it too I guess.

Although I am kind of looking forward to a bit of normality and we could use the money too.

I am now 36 and have been on medication since 21. The period of time it worked would probably be when I did nothing but work, unpaid overtime, weekends, late nights early mornings etc, I guess it wasn't really working, I was just distracted.

I should mention, which I'm ashamed to mention, is that I do, well did, smoke marijuana and it really does help the anxiety .. but I became too dependant on it, I didn't use it all day but I did use it to wind down at night because it quietened my mind, made me feel not so overwhelmed and I was relaxed and happy able to start again the next day. Now I've stopped, as I'm preparing to go back to work and its like i'm 13 again unable to control my emotions and I cry, all day, all night... it just doesn't stop.

I know its most likely the reason for my relapse and I just dont want to believe it because I know it helps but its just another vice, not a fix.

Just to add.

I am not breastfeeding anymore and was never under the influence when she was soley in my care. It's more like someone having a beer or wine after a long day at work after everyones gone to bed.

Yeah it sounds like there are a few things that could be going on @Bohdi_24

Going back to work can be a really hard transition, it will be great if it can offer a bit more normalcy but I think it's completely understandable to be feeling anxious about it too.

I hear you, we all use methods to cope sometimes that maybe aren't healthy coping mechanisms and might not be helping in the long term, but provide relief in the short term and help us just get through. It sounds like you're pretty aware that it was something that you needed to stop, but yes the combination of not having that coping mechanism to lean on and going back to work is a tough one. Has there ever been anything else that has helped when you start to feel the anxiety come on, other than self harm? Even if it's just something that is mildly helpful

I used to draw but lost interested in that a long time ago. I just dont have the passion for it anymore and definitely not the time.

I'm hoping going back to work will provide the distraction I need. Even if im not looking forward to being away from my baby. I will be able to use the travel time to read which is something I also enjoy.