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Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

TahlziiNew Contributor29 June 2025, 8:47 pm AEST

Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

Hi im not really sure what i want from this just somewhere to vent and chat maybe. I’m 31 and have been in a relationship with my partner for 13 years have had several splits in this time. He is nearing 40 and has BPD, cPTSD and depressions/anxiety he also believes he has autism. I don’t have any diagnosis but believe I need to see someone to just chat. We also have a child.

I’ve been struggling with my MH and emotions, I started wanted a second child about 7 years ago and he would refuse I constantly kept asking and he would refuse and it would cause me to get upset and angry and he would often just laugh about it and say things like this is why I wouldn’t want another. Also he never wants a marriage because he says it’s just a paper and most end in divorce, he said if I want his last name I can just change it. He doesn’t see any of these things as big issues however I guess I’ve always dreamt of these. We constantly bicker, we have no interests, neither of us have friends, it seems like we are just in a relationship for financial gains like he talks on wanting another house. I have an issue with resenting him now when it’s time to be intimate because of not having another child.

i feel like I’m just a shell, i work and hang with my daughter. I have no interests i just scroll my phone, i can barely engage in conversations because of how little interest i have i cant add any value to the convos. I’m craving some social time but that’s not me, anyway i dont know what im hoping to achieve here. But giving it a go

4 replies

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In response to: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

AuntGlowModerator29 June 2025, 9:27 pm AEST

Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

Hello @Tahlzii,

Welcome to the community! ✨

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I can't imagine how challenging this has all been for you... I can really hear how much effort you have put into your relationship over the years. It must feel very vulnerable and heartbreaking to consistently have your needs put aside. That doesn't sound fair at all...😔 I get the sense there is a part of you knows you both want different, very important things, but also another that is still holding on. This is really normal, especially after 13 years and a child together, my gosh! Your feelings and sense of confusion here are so, so valid.

From my perspective, I think that you are allowed to want marriage, another child, hobbies, friends, and a regulating connection with your partner.

What do you imagine would help you to achieve these things? And do you think things could shift with your partner if more support were brought into the picture?

PS: a gentle reminder that you are valuable exactly as you are, but I know that can be tough to sit with when we don't feel like our most vibrant or aligned selves. Know that this can change in time - I am really glad you reached out here, I think our community will be of wonderful support to you.

Looking forward to your reply,

AuntGlow. 💛

In response to: Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

TahlziiNew Contributor01 July 2025, 7:30 pm AEST

Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

Content/trigger warning

Thanks for replying, I’m honestly not sure what would help we previously had tried relationship counselling and I don’t think either of us were in the right headspace for us to work, constantly asking what the other had said to the councillor and then feeling like we had no privacy. I’m not sure if resentment can ever go, if it can then maybe I could look at that. But it’s soo hard whenever you see or hear of something being pregnant, or even seeing families out and about it saddens me.

In response to: Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

tymeModerator01 July 2025, 8:09 pm AEST

Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

Hey there @Tahlzii ,

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear how hard things have been for you.

Do you think your partner recognises that something 'isn't right'? That is, that you do not feel the same way as he feels about things?

I guess I'm asking because it's often hard to make changes when a person doesn't actually see there's an issue in the first place!

I honestly hear how lonely you feel. How long have you felt like this? Do you think depression has crept in too?

In response to: Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

AuntGlowModerator03 July 2025, 4:23 pm AEST

Re: Feeling lost, depressed and like I’m just existing

I understand; this sounds very nuanced and confusing for you... you love someone and don't want to let them go, but they are also not able to give you what you want and need most. (I have been here many times, so I understand how difficult making a decision can feel.)

Sometimes a good old fashioned 'Pros and Cons' list can help us to see things as they factually are?

And then other times, really slowing down and checking in with your intuition each day can be enlightening. I know that it can be tough to access when we are anxious, but practicing checking in when we are feeling most calm can help us to find answers over time.

I know sometimes we might not be ready to hear them, because they feel scary or out of reach, and that's okay too. We will be here to talk things out as you go through this experience. You're not alone. @Tahlzii 💛

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