I think i am a sociopath

Actually, sociopaths are NOT bad people. Their brains are wired differently, and often they require support to navigate a neurotypical world.

That feeling of 'I'm about to burst if I don't do this 'bad' thing', is a way of coping - not because you want to be 'bad'.

I'm hearing you. I have been doing a lot of research into sociopathy and it continues to amaze me. If only people understood what is really going on.

If you want to feel connected, I'd encourage you to read, Sociopath: A memoir by Patric Gange.

You are NOT bad. You are not WRONG. You are DIFFERENT. Just like everyone, including me.

@Kate20

Hugs.

Hiya @Kate20 welcome to the forums!

First off, one of the things in your post that really stood out to me was this,

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@Kate20 wrote:

I feel absolutely awful.

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If you really were a bad person, you wouldn't feel this way. We all do things we regret - particularly those of us with complex mental health - often all in the name of getting our needs met. I have hurt many people in the past, as many have hurt me. I had a similar train of thought to you at one point actually. And someone was kind enough to remind me that the pain I felt over my actions told me everything I needed to know about who I really was.

I think you do have a good heart, and I hope you can hold onto that as you navigate this journey 😊

hi @Kate20 sometimes having tunnel vision - ie having something you care about and want - means we can be indifferent to other people at times, because we get caught up in what we want

having that wild focus on one thing doesn't mean you are a sociopath.

I also don't like how everyone suggests narcissists are the worst people- i imagine most people have some narcisstic traits just to survive in life. Especially if you've had trauma or a difficult upbrining.

Being the wayyou are doesn't mean you are bad, and I believe you that you are a good hearted person. Thank you for sharing.

No, I have done things deliberately to other people that I simply didn't like for no good reason or they had upset me. I can now reflect and realise that I didn't like girls that had nice things and were well looked after. It made me feel like they were superior to me. Particularly when playing at their house if I saw their mum being particularly affectionate etc with their kid. I would seeth. I would hate that girl. I would steal and treat her like shit. I can give many examples like this. I grew out of a lot of it, some of it is still there and definitely still have urges. I have a huge conscious and dislike for myself for my behaviour. Until googling sociopath a few hours ago I thought I just had mental health and addiction issues which im medicated for. But this makes sense. But this is the scariest uh-huh moment I've had in my life. I feel like my life makes sense and its over for me I have no future but I have to be productive and proactive and not give up completely.

What a powerful moment @Kate20 .

There is also a difference between a sociopath and a psychopath. I came across this through my reserach last year.

I hear what a scary A-Ha moment this is for you.

We look forward to hearing how things go for you. @Kate20

I dont think I am a psychopath because I feel empathy and love I thought I was for a bit...

Thanks so much for your response. I had a look at the book it seems very relatable so far thanks for the tip.

I definitely need to read and learn more. There isn't much that ive managed to find so far thats for the sociopath themselves it's more support n help for the family and effected people of us.

So much to process and work through. Thanks again

Thanks but I really think I do have it, the more I learn the more the shoe fits. And its not a nice feeling, its only really come from doing a lot of reflection as to why people dont like me after a while. Or are wary of me. Ive always felt like a victim of social settings and not fitted in. This is why... who would want to be around a person who is doing all these messed up things all the time!! And I feel like a fraud when I apologise cos I know i am genuinely sorry but I am aware that sorry without change is manipulation and Im always cautious not to commit to something i can't promise and I hate that I despise that for the other person cos I want to be a dependable person for them and it sucks for me too cos I ruin relationships hurt beautiful people end up lonely feel guilty and hate myself. I need help because im sick of being unpredictable. Ive gotten better by manually using my brain n correcting my bad behaviour when I realise im doing it. Sometimes its 3 seconds after I say something or 3 days later it dawns on me the other person's perspective. Often ill notice an energy shift and be baffled, oblivious as to why. So I reflect on it, stew on it. Thus the depression anxiety panic disorder also have. And then I do finally realise or sometimes I dont and its frustrating cos I dont know how to rectify myself. I have that sly smirk where I cant contain smiling at inappropriate times and I know that changes people's energy sometimes. I over compensate for my short comings by holding doors open for people n going out of my way for the community because I know I owe the community for my despicable behaviour. I close everyone's bin lids when I walk along the streets after rubbish night so rain doesnt go in. I pick up bins if they fall down. I do that a lot. Balancing out the bad things in my head I guess.

I do a lot of good, but I definitely tick nearly every single box for a sociopath.

My mother is undoubtedly one so it makes sense.

Thanks for your reply

It feels like there is great hope for you @Kate20 .

I hear the 'urges' are so real.

In the book above which I shared, it goes on to show how the author (a sociopath) ended up getting married and having children etc. They were aware of their condition and was able to work with it.

It also shared how the support of people who understood the condition made such a difference to her life.

Feel free to tag me into your responses by typing "@" in front of my name e.g. @tyme