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Need advice supporting ExADF CPTSD partner

EchoGirlCasual Contributor26 June 2025, 10:49 pm AEST

Need advice supporting ExADF CPTSD partner

Hello everyone.

I have joined this group to access shared wisdom about dealing with PTSD in a later life re-kindled relationship.

My background is ADF however I only served 7 years before leaving for another career. After 30 yrs apart I reconnected with an old flame from ADF days a few years ago. Timing seemed great. I had divorced, my kids were both grown and he was widowed and retired after a long and very active 25 years of service. He had found me and it just felt very serendipitous really. The spark was immediate and we decided to give it another crack. I was never under any illusion this would be easy, I even sought my own psychological advice as to what to expect and how to prepare for that. But two years in, and after what feels like a false start that lasted 12 months, its not just feeling 'hard', it's more like mission impossible. At first he'd come and join me for weekends before retreating back to the bush to recalibrate. Or was it a freeze? He really tried hard to stay longer, and I understood from the outset that going back to his own space with controlled circumstances was vital to manage his anxiety. I am aware of that he regularly experiences disassociation and PTSD is obviously the enemy in our lives now. He is currently in the midst of six months spiral which has seen him almost completely withdraw from our shared existence. My family think he is just too far gone, but I can't stop feeling he is trapped inside an iceberg and if I remain patient and loyal the ice will melt and he will return to me... At Xmas I begged him to get help, and he has accessed counselling now for approx 3 months now. It's slow going. He says I am part of his life and future, but he can't communicate by text at the moment so an authentically shared life seems like a fairytale notion ATM. We have no intimacy and he can't respond to any gestures of affection or distress.

Just wondering if any spouses out there have any advice please?

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In response to: Need advice supporting ExADF CPTSD partner

S1TREPPeer Guide15 Sept 2025, 4:46 pm AEST

Re: Need advice supporting ExADF CPTSD partner

I am a long term PTSD sufferer although currently at the other end of the spectrum where after much professional help and support, I usually have awareness and control of its effects on my mind and body.

I guess to me this issue comes down to a personal decision about which way you want to proceed with your life. The road ahead can be very long and challenging and it is probably a good idea to put some thought into what this relationship will mean not only to yourself in the long-term but to your family and friends because inadvertently they are all involved.

You may or may not be aware of Vicarious Trauma (VT) where:

Vicarious trauma is the emotional and psychological distress that results from repeated exposure to the traumatic experiences of others, often through work or relationships. It's an indirect form of trauma where an individual internalizes and experiences trauma-like symptoms from another person's story, leading to a range of cognitive, emotional, physical, and behavioral changes that can impact their well-being.

You are a very kind, loving, intelligent and caring individual and I respect you for that, but be careful you don't succumb to VT from this relationship.

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