Marriage is slipping away and its my fault

Hi I felt like I needed to reach out. I'm in a situation where I've made my partner feel unsafe because of my actions and I'm desperate to show her that what I did is not the man I am trying to be or want to be. First of all let me say our marriage was good for the most part we were dating for years and we became best friends and naturally when the decision came up to take the next step we had no hesitation. The main two areas of struggle over the years were finances and sex. We both were working decent jobs and I was the one earning more initially when we got married we had our first child soon after but then employment issues came on my end where companies I worked for either shut down or laid off staff and this made things a bit difficult but we both stuck together and worked through it. I found new employment but then she began to get difficulty at her company but more in terms of high work load and unreasonable deadlines from management. Eventually she left the company because it was beginning to affect her health. Once again we worked through this period, I did not put any pressure on her to go back out to work I tried my best to maintain what we had on my own. But what I didnt realize is that is seemed she was grown resentful over this period but never communicated this. Fast forward to 2025 once again financial instability crept up she was getting difficulty with management again and I told her if its affecting her dont stay even though I felt reluctant as we had just started to turn things around financially. She's been home a few months now but she's telling me she doesnt feel financially safe because once again Im struggling to maintain the home. She believes men should be able to take care of the household which wasnt and ideology she had before but suddenly this is her stance. It makes me feel like Im not doing enough as a father and husband so there's that aspect of it.

In terms of sexual challenges she had been abused by a step parent when she was in her teens and to be fair she did mention this relatively early in our relationship before we got intimate. I was shocked at first but I cared about her so much I didnt think it was fair to let an unfortunate situation determine her happiness. I honestly didnt know what I was getting into. It was a difficult road but I was patient and eventually we were able to enjoy sex with each other. I tried different methods to make things different and interesting for her [edited by moderator]. Things were going pretty well in that regard. However when the children came along things changed less time to be together etc. The situation became a bit strained again in that regard and she began to not have a strong interest in sex. Once again I decided to be patient tried to work through things with her and remain faithful to our marriage. This is leading up to what I did is now my deepest shame and regret. There were times not very often when after we were intimate that I snuck back again without asking her. This had never happened before in our relationship and I dont know why I did it if it was lust or frustration I have no excuse. Obviously she got upset and I felt like how could I hurt the person I care so much about because of my urges. I tell myself what was the point of trying to be faithful and still cause this pain to her. I feel like trash and I really want to make up for what I did but at the moment she doesnt feel safe being around me and I understand but it hurts. It was not something that occurred very often but the fact it occurred a couple times is once too many. Right now she feels like she wants to go and seems to be already looking for other people. That too hurts but I can understand because clearly I cant provide financial or physical security she is looking for at the moment. Im trying my best to work on myself and I am getting help to address my issue. The only positive is she still is at the house ( I believe mainly from the lack of finances and options) and we share separate sleeping areas. I miss the days we had before when it was just us against the world and I feel like I've thrown that all away. We still have conversations but its not the same. She says give her time she needs to process things and I understand this but it just feels like Im losing her and I feel like I have to accept the fact things may never be the same or she may leave eventually. She said to me one time she doesn't feel supported even though I've been doing my best to support her ideas, dreams, raising the children, being there for her when things at work werent good or with her family. Yet she says that this is her truth. That too stings as well.

I dont think Im a bad person Im always there for her and my children. I give them my last if it means Im the one who would sacrifice just to make sure they got what they want. I always try to do the right thing and thats how Im raising my children to be. They are good kids and doing well at school. They dont lack for anything despite our financial situation because of my family support. My wife is focusing on herself so I found myself doing the bulk of the interactions i.e. school, making meals etc with them but when I think about it this was happening for a while now. I try to talk to her and tell her how I feel and try to get an idea of how she feels but it feels like Im talking to myself at times. Like she is emotionally checked out.

I'd like to speak to a marriage councilor or therapist but my wife doesn't seem ready when I raised it so I wont push it. All I know is I feel like I have this heavy weight on my chest and I dont know what to do. Im trying to do things I usually enjoy but nothing seems to help. I've been struggling at work to focus and its hard when you have to interact with customers to put on a pleasant demeanor when inside you are crumbling. Im trying to stay strong to keep everything together but I feel so alone without her. I have my family but its not quite the same. I feel like I know the answers but Im still hurting.