Favourite person with anxiety

welcome to the forums @5xfave it's lovely to meet you!

i'm an anxious person myself, and i've noticed that my anxiety has had its pros and cons - one of those pros is that my overthinking has made me open to various perspectives so it's taught me not to be judgemental and to think of others. but at the same time, it led to people pleasing tendencies where i was constantly supporting others and making them feel seen/loved... sometimes at the cost of my own mental health.

i think boundary setting was a big one for me - learning that saying 'no' doesn't make me a bad friend, and that if they're a true friend, they'd respect my boundaries too. i can't be a good friend to others if i'm not taking care of me, so self-care was a big one too. another thing is, reflecting on 'why' i wanted to be friends with people who hurt me was a big one... i have social anxiety and when i was mending friendships, i realised that some of the people i wanted to be friends with weren't necessarily treating me well... and i think a part of me didn't want to lose them because i felt like i wasn't good enough if they left me. talking with my psych really helped with that part, and now i get wayyy less hurt when i don't mesh with people.

you deserve to be treated with respect and care, always 💙

I also tend to be a "safe" person for some of these people as well and in my younger years I didn't have good boundaries and was often drained by these types of friendships.

These days I set very strong but healthy boundaries simply by not being too available to anyone.

You can be a supportive friend without getting too involved in their issues.

[edited by moderator]🌻

Thanks @rav3n and @Catlady1979

It is very difficult as I don't even realise my status as a favourite person until they start splitting (the moments when they lash out due to their illness, usually testing the friendship and pushing boundaries. "I hate you, don’t leave")

I really appreciate the advice though. Anything is helpful!

Can I ask what kinds of boundaries you have in place and how do you stand firm when they're tested?

I was someone who tested boudaries all the time @5xfave . It was because I was so emotionally dysregulated.

I respected those people who stood by their boundaries despite me pushing and pushing them.

I hurt a lot of people, and I've reflected on that now.

I hope you find the strength to stick to your boundaries. One thing that worked for me was that the person left me when I was heightened and told me they would contact me in 1 hour. This gave me assurance that they hadn't left me.

All the best.

Thanks @tyme

I wish I had let them know how long I would be stepping away for, but I really have no idea.

I'm not in the headspace right now to be a good friend, especially as a lot of things in my life have changed recently, and my spouse has ongoing MH issues that they need some support with.

Were there any things that helped to reassure you that a friend stepped away to care for themselves or immediate issues in their household, and not because of something you had done or said?

I worry that when I'm ok enough to be back in contact that my friend will lash out again from feeling abandoned.

Through my therapy, I learnt that sitting iwht curiosity really helps @5xfave . That is, to be curious as to why the person is having a break as opposed to jumping to conclusions. I think this was one of my greatest downfalls - I had to learn to slow down and peel back my racing thoughts so that I didn't jump to disasterous consequences.

Would you consider asking them directly whether they are stepping away because they were being hurt or whether they just needed a break?

@5xfave i love what tyme mentioned!

with my friend, i set boundaries around the time in which she calls (she used to call between 11pm and 5am), and expectations around when she'd get a text back (she wanted a response immediately or within a day). i explained to her that responding to calls and texts takes up a lot of emotional and social energy for me, and that calls made during my working hours or sleeping time was hard for me to manage but she could text me anytime, and i'd reply when i can. i let her know that i care about her and that my texting/call style isn't reflective of her but of my own energy levels. in order for me to be a good friend, i needed to take my time with responses and get my space too.

some of my friends understood and respected it, while others didn't. but i still kept those boundaries up, and i hope that one day they'll be able to come back when they're ready.