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Self image

Victoria3137Casual Contributor23 June 2025, 10:05 pm AEST

Self image

I feel like I’m suffocating and there is no way out no matter what I do. I change my hair, get my nails done, change something in my makeup, fake tan, get new clothes… nothing. Maybe a day or 2 of happiness, then it fades. I wear the same 1 hoodie every day and every night because I can’t see myself as even okay without it even in my sleep.

I can’t remember the last time I had 1 day where nothing mattered. Because even on my “good days” I still wake up not able to look anyone in the eyes, worry and stress about how to get to the bathroom without being seen, hiding from the eyes of even my boyfriend. And then yeah, maybe my makeup and hair turns out well, but then I’m still in that 1 hoodie I can’t take off, my hair is still put up because I can’t change it for some unknown reason, I still go back to fix my makeup 20 odd times every day. And yeah my makeup’s good, but what about how much effort I had to put into it to get it to that point. Why can’t I just lay in bed. Turn over and kiss my boyfriend. Why can’t I get out of bed happy. Why do I have to live in a pool of stress that’s too deep.

I hate that I can’t make plans with people, or at least I hate doing it because I know there’s a chance I could cancel it. I know I might be so excited to go out with friends but 1 look in a mirror makes my body go weak and freeze and suddenly I’m light headed. I hate when I actually can go out with friends, I can’t even be in the group photos. So I stand there watching them all smile and pose for a photo, when I know if I was in that photo I’d be numb for weeks. I’d sink back to rock bottom and never forget what I saw.

And what I hate most of all, is that absolutely no one could ever understand how I feel. And that alone makes me feel so unbelievably alone.

I don’t think I can recover from this. Maybe I’ll survive it, but god I don’t want to try this hard. I wish someone knew how hard I try even on my lazy days, how hard I try when I don’t get out of bed all day, and just how damn hard I try to be okay for everyone else.

No day of mine is good. Just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled already. Or that I won’t.

Every time I wake up, every night before I sleep, I worry. I stress about how it will be, how it is. It’s a never ending loop of horror that I don’t see a way out of.

And it’s completely invisible.

2 replies

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In response to: Self image

tacocatSenior Contributor23 June 2025, 10:56 pm AEST

Re: Self image

Hi @Victoria3137

Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome to the forums. I'm sure you'll feel at home here amongst friends, that are always willing to support and share similar experiences 🙂

In response to: Self image

MJG017Senior Contributor24 June 2025, 1:37 pm AEST

Re: Self image

Hi @Victoria3137, welcome to the forum.

I don't really know you exact pain, but I do recognise a lot of the struggles that you describe. As a 50 something year old guy, maybe not the constant adjusting of the makeup, but definitely the exhaustion of trying to feel that I'm okay as I am, that fear of being seen to closely by people close to me, and especially that effort it takes just to exist. Mostly though that constant struggle to have people understand the constant fight going on inside... to even see it. There's a loneliness and isolation in it that is just so draining mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I've spent all of my life feeling like i can't just be me, that there was something broken in me and because of it, life was just constantly trying to fix it or hide it. But what you're doing, even just getting up in the morning, just trying, or even caring at all is massive! There is such an incredible source of strength and resilience in that, even if you can't feel it. Just reaching out here and sharing how your feel is an incredible step forward, and is a great example of that strength in you. So you're not alone in a lot of the things you feel. So many of us have similar struggles, and you don't have to prove your struggles or the efforts you take to anyone here.

I myself have only just begun to get some sort of control over my own issues in the past 18 months or so. A large part of it was realising that keeping that distance from people only harmed myself in the long run and that people who cared about me didn't care about all the things I felt i had to hide. That they would support me, even if they didn't understand what I told them. People don't have to understand, or know how to 'fix' anything to offer support, they just have to be there alongside. It's enough for them just to hear I am struggling and feel alone. Starting to get better at letting my partner in has helped a lot. As has trying to acknowledge that the efforts I make, even if it's just to get through yet another day counts for something! That the more difficult days aren't failures but just my resilience having a little but much needed rest and that it's okay because these things have ups and downs. Finally, starting to accept that the way I see myself is not how the people close to me see me. This is still a struggle, but even just accepting that I'm probably way too harsh on myself just makes the rest of the fights a little easier. I've also tried to understand why I feel the way I do and why I do the things (or don't do things that i should) that I do. So knowing that it was mostly just emotional defenses I had build up as a small child to always act as a response to keep me safe. So understand the mainly deep attachment related issues I had allowed me to see myself differently, know that a lot wasn't my fault and this allowed me to finally start to work on it. It's not easy at all, but it is something that can be worked on, even slowly. It took me 53 years to get to that point. Like I said, it's not easy, but a little change goes a long way and it does start to get easier in time.

Starting to talk about all those things I had hidden for so long early last year was the start for me. And you've just started that by posting here. I hope it allows you to start the healing process as well. Just keep reminding yourself that it's possible and that you are worthy and deserve it.

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