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Making the decision to move out

IreneVelveteenCasual Contributor26 Jan 2015, 11:31 am AEDT

Making the decision to move out

Hi everyone,

I'm 25 and live with my dad who has psychosis, depression and social anxiety.

I am posting my story in the hopes that there is anyone who has experienced a similar circumstance or if someone would find it helpful in their time of need. Especialy the parent with illness and child being the carer. Please share your story.

He has no friends or family members besides myself.

My brother moved interstate 2 years ago. We have some contact with him but he is unreliable in family situations. He is not stable himself and has caused severe distress.

I feel that the longer I have stayed, the higher chance I have of developing my own mental illness. It has already taken it's toll and I want to be self-reliant.

I feel this way and want to care for myself. In the process I sometimes behave in an irregular way (going out with friends more than usual or being sad at home). But this results in him telling me he doesnt care about anything and if I'm going to act in this way then I should leave.
I recognise him saying this as his way of coping...?

The previous time I said I was moving out he called me cruel. He said he wont know what will happen to him. And that he has no purpose without me.

He waits for me to get home from work with dinner on the table.
Which is an amazing experssion of love.
But has been to such the extreme that he relies on these acts for his self-preservation. He relies on me to do what he expects.
I feel limited.
Since I was a child, I have acted and made decisions on what will make my dad happy with me. I'm a very sensitive, obedient daughter. I avoid confrontation. I do what it takes to keep the peace. I have been doing what it takes to keep the peace in the family home my whole life - it is all I have known, but inside me screams and is in such sadness;- I feel that I cannot live with myself knowing I have lived my dads life. I have sacrificed partners for the sake of my dads happiness.

I have supported him and helped in all ways. But my own happiness and life choices have been jeopardised and controlled for the sake of keeping the peace.

Now that I am 25, if not now then when.

He says, if I move, our relationship will be over.

I recognise that I have a carers responsibilty to ensure he is looked after.

I recognise that I am responsible for my own happiness.

I was sure that if I were to post this I would be dismissed by other carers because I have chosen to move out of home. I imagine him on his own and feel immense guilt. I have assured him that he is not losing me and I will be close by. I have assured him that I will always need him in my life.

I dont think he truly believes this. And I feel that delusion is part of his mental illness.
I have done what I can, but he only listens to himself.

@Kiera80 thank you for starting this thread on 'throwing in the towel'. I resonated strongly with your post. I have felt like that many times and more recently the past 2 weeks. I have told my dad today that I have chosen to move out of home.

And so, I have been asking myself, how do you take care of yourself without abandoning the person you care for?

What if they dont accept your care?

I have assured him I am not abandoning him but he has made a condition that we will not have a relationship if I were to do this.

I am worried for is his well-being.

Because he says without me, he is worthless.

Please, if anyone have their own stories on separating themselves from someone.
Is there anyone who has been in this circumstance???
What about my dads illness living on his own?

Thank you in advance for your replies
Irene

13 replies

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In response to: Making the decision to move out

IreneVelveteenCasual Contributor06 Feb 2015, 2:34 pm AEDT

Re: Making the decision to move out

Thank you for your comment reply, @Kiera80 . It's helped me to keep things into perspective. It's hard to do that on your own with your own thoughts...

Dad appears to be focusing on his work and getting support. I'm only assuming this since he is home in the morning and nights.

His symptoms of psychosis have changed slightly. Dad also has mild torrets. He is often heard talking to himself or yelling while in bed. The yells have become more aggressive than neutral now.

It has been 2 weeks and there has been next to no word exchanges between us. Mainly over text asking when I will be home. If I attempt to tell him this in person, I'm responded with a whole lot of backlash about how I'm leaving him and have ruined everything. He says my bed is staying in my room. I suspect he's trying to pursuade me to stay. I'm assuming he'll try to take the car as well. He isn't going to make it easy, but I just want to get out now.

I've been on the hunt for a rental room for 2 weeks and I feel my standards are slowly dropping. It's at such an uncomfrotable place at home with dad now that there needs to be some progression in my moving so that there is progression in the relationship with dad. Otherwise it feels like I'm stuck in limbo!

I feel that there is a lot weighing on this to happen now...

In response to: Re: Making the decision to move out

IreneVelveteenCasual Contributor16 Feb 2015, 1:22 pm AEDT

Re: Making the decision to move out

Hi Folks,

Here is an update on my circumstance and dads state, for those following:

I moved out yesterday.

As far as dad's condition to this point, his psychologists seem to be leveling him out ok. He is doing what he can to pull through, although he has still been very psychologically weak. My presence in the house has made him very tense (and me too). He made it uncomfortable to be home. Bolt locking the doors so that if I need to get in, I need to call him. So I tended to be out most nights.

He had done whatever he could, logistically, to make the move difficult. By the time I packed the last box and approached him to say goodbye, he had swung the other way. "I love you, I'm here if you need anything" "Dad, I love you too, I'm only a phone call away."

The true underside was revealed in the final moment. Even though all actions prior to this moment were opposite of his true self, it was still there.

You're in my thoughts, @Missy
In the final moment, he says it will be ok, but the day-to-day remains the same. The key is to stay in the "final moment" mindset. You wont be able to control his thoughts, motives or actions, but you can control your own. Do not expect behavioural change unless the change is from you first.

In deciding to move, ensure you have a support system - close friend or relative. Someone on call if you need them. But even stronger than that external support system is the belief in yourself! Although my support system was great, internal dialogue is what has gotten me to this point.

As for your circumstance, when I decided to move, dad decided he would take the car and half of my savings. He had reasons. I agreed on doing it because in disagreeing, it would be a barrier to the objective. I am much less off, materialistically, but there is at least a %1000 increase of mental capacity and happiness for myself. In doing this I realise I value quality-of-life over security.

If your husband or father is being selfish, sometimes the last resort is to take care of yourself. On the surface they wont understand. But when they see you take action, it tends to fall into place.

From my experience.

I have confidence that he will be ok - he is focussing on my brother now. I know that if there are any problems, his spychologists will let me know.

As from here on, the communication was left open. I don't expect to hear from him for at least a few months but the settling thing is, even after the hell we went though, we both still love each other no matter what!

In response to: Re: Making the decision to move out

BabooSenior Contributor16 Feb 2015, 5:24 pm AEDT

Re: Making the decision to move out

Could you still ask your dad out for coffee once a week? Start up a regular catch up spot at a park or some thing- it would make things sader i think if you guys leave it for a few months before hearing from each other.

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