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Managing thoughts of suicide & self-harm

The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

chibamSenior Contributor14 June 2025, 5:20 pm AEST

The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

Disclaimer: I'm not about to do the s-word.

Last night a video came up in my Youtube feed. It was a clip from the TV show Chicago Med, and it was about one of the show's doctors who committed suicide. I won't post the clip here; it's probably against SANE's guidelines, as it leaves little to the imagination in terms of the guy's method.

But the suicide itself isn't really the focus of the clip; the focus is the various reactions of the other characters in the show.

If you've ever watched any sort of fictional TV show where there's a suicide, then this clip was pretty much par for the course. A whole bunch of: "Why didn't we see the signs?"s, "Why'd he do it?"/"We'll probably never know"s, ect., ect.

And then, of course, there's a healthy share of clumsy, vague speculation from non-suicidal characters as to what the dead character's motivations may have been.

And the whole time I'm watching this, I'm thinking to myself: "Boy, I wish I could tell you people a thing or two. I wish I could tell the real-life people who your based off of a thing or two!"

But I can't. We, the sucidial people, can't. We are able to have these conversations with you; to offer that clarity to you, because of sensorship and persecution!

My whole life, I've had other people assigning an ugly, bullshit persona to me. Creating this reputation for me that gets me all wrong. Carma, I suppose; I'm certainly guilty of doing likewise for others, although my intentions were benevolent.

But watching this clip last night... it just reminded me that people are almost certainly gonna still be doing that to me after I'm gone. Cooking up their own ludicrously false explainations for "what was going on in my head".

I hate that.

I hate that we can't talk openly and honestly about these things while we're still alive, and still able to speak for ourselves.

Nobody wants to listen to the living, because it's far easier, and more agreeable, to put words in the mouths of the dead. A dead marionette can easily be pulled around to act out your script.

I wish we lived in a world where the anti-suicide crowd really had to listen to the suicidal; and where the suicidal had complete and absolute freedom to explain clearly why they... well, you know.

Once again, don't panic staff. I'm not about to do the s-word, myself.

5 replies

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In response to: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

The-red-centaurSenior Contributor15 June 2025, 11:35 am AEST

Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

@chibam i understand what you are trying to say.

I feel like some services who focus on suicide prevention dont want anything to do with people who are chronically suicidal. They would turn us away and focus on short term crisis and help those who they think they can 'actually help'

The narrative tells us that we are beyond help and support which feeds the suicidal urges.

Spaces to talk openly about our feelings, thoughts and urges are important.

But I find, and agree with SANE, that online forums aren't the best place for that. It can be hard for others to interpret our message, and either jump to conclusions, or even dismis, how much stress we are under and our imminent risks.

I think having face to face groups or spaces to share those things matter. We need people who hear our thoughts and feelings and listen to our reasons behind them.

Sometimes focussing on the actual acts themselves isn't helpful. We need to express the WHY, like you pointed out.

Instead of just saying i feel like doing XYZ, it can be expressing that the feelings of worthless and my hope for the future no longer exists and it would be better to act on thoughts than to continue. Or it could be saying my thoughts are so intense I can't think about anything else, I dont see a way out.

Being recovery focussed doesn't say we can't have the thoughts, or can't talk about them. For me its about discussing it in a way that tries to find a solution, rather than making the problem and the urges a problem in and of themselves.

In response to: Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

chibamSenior Contributor15 June 2025, 6:14 pm AEST

Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

@The-red-centaur wrote:
Spaces to talk openly about our feelings, thoughts and urges are important.

Not to mention values and circumstances.

@The-red-centaur wrote:
But I find, and agree with SANE, that online forums aren't the best place for that...
I think having face to face groups or spaces to share those things matter. We need people who hear our thoughts and feelings and listen to our reasons behind them.

But there are severe limitations to the sort of groups your referring to. They don't tend to have much of an interest in cultivating widespread change. Nor do they seem to be very effective in correcting a person's identity/reputation, as percieved by the community.

I'm not saying that online forums are any better at correcting one's local reputation; and perhaps they aren't much better at cultivating widespread change, either. But at least they give us a means of being able to air our gripes in public, and maybe, just maybe, somebody might just start listening to them.

@The-red-centaur wrote:
It can be hard for others to interpret our message, and either jump to conclusions, or even dismis, how much stress we are under and our imminent risks.

This problem could be significantly reduced if we had the freedom to talk freely and openly. If we could say point blank: "This is why we're better off d**d:"; if the other side had the freedom to question our mindset publicly, and we had the freedom to answer them publicly with complete frankness, we would have made a great stride towards eliminating that confusion.

But instead, the powers-that-be curtail our freedom of speech (I suspect to maintain the illusion that suicidal people are irrational crackpots), thus forcing us to speak only via ambiguous euphamisms, ect.

@The-red-centaur wrote:
Being recovery focussed doesn't say we can't have the thoughts, or can't talk about them. For me its about discussing it in a way that tries to find a solution, rather than making the problem and the urges a problem in and of themselves.

But how can we find the solution to any problem (not just specifically relating to suicide), if we aren't clear on what the problem is? And how can we come to a mutual understanding about what the problem is, unless we are able to talk about it openly?

Have you ever seen that miniseries Chernobyl? All the russians spent that crucial first 24 hours after the meltdown just farting around, being useless, because the higher-ups had decreed that it was forbidden to mention the possibility that the reactor core had exploded. Anyone who tried to tell their superiors that this was the problem was quickly shouted down and sent off to the Communist Party sinbin. So the naieve response teams were all wasting their time, energy, and even their lives, trying to solve a problem that wasn't the actual problem!

The same thing's happening right now, globally, with suicide. There are scores of us who can tell the world right now what the real problems are, if only people would be prepared to listen. But instead of listening, the suicidal people who dare to speak out are told to shut up, not challenge official doctrine, and keep their viewpoints to themselves, under threat of being sensored, denounced, and/or otherwise punished.

In response to: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

JlolSenior Contributor17 June 2025, 12:21 pm AEST

Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

Agree very much with this.

You're "allowed" to talk bout the s-word but not really. So you shut up and don't talk about it at all. Then when something happens everyone says "oh if only he/she talked about it!".

In response to: Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

chibamSenior Contributor17 June 2025, 8:40 pm AEST

Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

@Jlol wrote:
Agree very much with this.

You're "allowed" to talk bout the s-word but not really. So you shut up and don't talk about it at all. Then when something happens everyone says "oh if only he/she talked about it!".

I've been saying this for years, @Jlol , and it's still no easier to find a place where your free to have these conversations. And yet, the media keep insisting that it's the suicidal who have a problem with "opening up"! *facepalm*

No it isn't! It's our society - online, in media, and in real life - that refuse to allow our perspectives to be spoken!

And don't even get me started on the threat of being hauled off to a psych ward if you say something they don't want to hear...😞

Free speech is just a couple of meaningless words in this country. It doesn't really exist.

In response to: Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

EternalFlowerSenior Contributor23 July 2025, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: The Conversations We Aren't Aloud To Have

@chibam i remember when I did the HOPE program (suicide prevention) in Melbourne, that the clinician asked me to list reasons to live, and then reasons for the opposite.

I was shocked that I was allowed to say.

I believe in trying to find a future, I want to live, I think suicide isn't the right path for me, and I feel life is precious. But. I have other thoughts. And the message I get is that those thoughts are unspeakable.

Just like every other problem in life, sharing helps. I find it horrible that we are so limited in sharing suicidality.

I will never forget my experience at Spectrum mental health,when the clinician said it was so sensitive a topic that we needed to only discuss it face to face

She went away, I was in hospital, weeks passed, months passed, we met online, a few times face to face, she got busy, other things came up. 3 months later and it still wasn't discussed?

Let us speak.

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