Our mothers and what they did to us and how to recover

Hi @Former-Member

I am here today - I had yesterday in pain because I forgot my morning dose of slow-release medication and didn't realise it until I went to bed - I was exhausted by then and useless - I didn't even water my vegetable garden - something I must do soon

Thanks for those links - I will read them when I have finished here - it's important for us to share what we know - and the mother-stuff - there are horrible mother-figures in fairy stories and in Greek mythology as well - it is really inside us from pre-history - but the bad mother-figures are usually step-mothers - but not all

We are stuck - I was afraid of what my mother would say - until I told her I wasn't coming back - I lost my fear of her that day - but I wasn't in the habit of retaliating or cowering - really in biting it back until I got home and crying my eyes out alone and this was ridiculous - but I did

But now she has gone - and I never have to see or hear her again and gradually the pain of what she said and did is wearing off - this is the good news - and you are right - you are lonely and trying to plug the hole with your scary and angry mother will not help - ever -

For some strange quirk of genetic trickery my TS is the same - and I am losing my botheration over her too - I think she is nit-picky to the nth degree and so different from myself

But yeah - it takes time and I did attack my mother when I was four but stopped this when I got older - rarely bit back unless she was on my turf but yes - I was lonely for her and her love for a long time

And I saw her love not long before she died - and her terrible regret - I don't think she ever meant what she said and did and was sorry after but could never go back and undo anything and tended to repeat her behaviour.

I was 71 when I sat and silently wiped the tears from the eyes of an old frail shell of a woman who could not hear or speak anymore - and no words got in the way - and I could see her regret and my always forgiving nature stroked her hand and let her have all her last words and knew there was nothing I could do or say - it was entirely up to her

And a few weeks later she had a major stroke and was gone and I fell apart

But now - I am healing - perhaps we cannot heal our fears until they are goned - here's the thing for you and @BlueBay to remember

We all did what we could when they were alive - and we were still abused and spurned - we could not do more than we did and none of it was our fault - if we had tried to change it would not have helped at all - we could not be what they wanted us to be - whatever on earth that was

Dec

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@TAWNEY wrote:
its aweful - still being scared of them. My mum is getting thinner by the day with terminal cancer, it wasn't until recently when she got in my face yelling over something I don't appreciate her for hands waving in a he air full on, it wasn't until then - whenbi realised or felt the fear come over me like a little child. Guess I got so use to pushing the awareness down, but last year I loike her in her one eye (has a glass eye) and could see her as a frail frightened reactive and bitter old lady herself whose soon to leave this planet - and she actually 'can't hurt me anymore'. ( fancy getting this old to really learn that one). Not in the sense that my cowering inner child was feeling. my inner child, detached within me, literally went crouched hiding in a corner if my being - it was me, the grown up that was gazing at my mothers angry face & waving hands, I (the adult me) stood my ground between my mother and my inner child for the first time, without having to say a word back -
You'll get there one day too BlueBay, It really is a broken world, your mum was probably broken herself by her trauma's like mine. Its a broken world.
You're right, it is part of us, faulty parenting. I think all we can really do is find ways to manage it, ourselves, and learn to self nurture (raise up our own inner child, protect her) with the cognitive learning's we've matured into.

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Really great words @Former-Member - well said

Dec

You will get over her @BlueBay

She will get weaker and you will get stronger - it happened to me and it's happening to @Former-Member

Dec

GROUP HUG @Owlunar @Former-Member @0402cliffe @BlueBay @ and aNY other 'emotional orphans' out there. Sure would have been easier to be loved properly from the start. xox

I use to hide on the roof a lot when I was a bit older. Sometimes I'd risk serious consequences ignoring ma yelling out my name (not because she was worried about me or what I was doing but because she needed me for something as usual, probably to help her control my 4 younger siblings, all the time). The view from the top of the roof in our hilly suburb was wonderful, I felt on top of the world there. Better than any hiddy place below (tried them all). Don't know if anyone else knew about my hiding place, or how I got up there.