JlolSenior Contributor
Something has changed and I don't know what to make of it
Hi all,
A bit of background: I have been told I've had depression for 25 odd years, but it most likely is childhood trauma. I've tried many medications, counselling, and psychology and never had any successful results, probably because all this is not geared toward childhood depression. This manifests its self as uncontrollable existentialism, depression, and stress. And I do mean uncontrollable - if I hit a depressive trigger (which could be anything) then there is nothing I can do to slow it, mitigate it, distract myself, manage it, etc. It's like I'm just along for the ride.
Anyway, I'm just saying that to illustrate how I usually am. But recently, over the last month or so, something has changed and I'm not sure if I should be worried about it or not.
Basically, I've just stopped caring about everything. I've stopped bothering to eat properly, clean the unit, exercise, pay bills, try and do hobbies etc. I don't really do anything at all anymore other than work and sleep. I even started to work late into the evening because "what else am I gonna do anyway"?
All that sounds bad, but accompanying this is a broader sense of calm like I haven't felt in years. It's like the guilt and pressure of always trying to do the "right thing" - exercise, eating well, maintaining friendships, etc - has just broken me and I've given up and stopped them altogether.
The thing is, these things are all meant to be healthy and good for you. But I feel significantly better just not doing them and essentially doing nothing at all. This shouldn't make sense. I should be feeling better after exercising and eating a healthy meal, but instead, for around a month now, I feel mentally better doing nothing at all, eating barely anything, and just going straight to bed or working.
Why the hell is this?
