Loneliness

Hey @Tarmac_6 and welcome to the forums

I'm glad that you've felt able to reach out here and share how you've been feeling. I'm hearing how lonely it can feel, and I know that sometimes it seems like this sort of stuff just comes easy for everyone else, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. I know that there are many others both on here, and in my own personal life, who go through this.

It sounds like having a romantic partner is something that you really value and I'm wondering what it would mean for you to have a boyfriend?

Hi @Ru-bee thanks for your reply. I guess it would mean many things to me. It would signify that I’m not alone and that someone sees me how I want to be seen. I guess it would also make me feel loved and wanted. I’m not very good at opening up to my friends or family and I guess I feel like it might give me someone I can lean on more for that stuff like just having that deeper intimate connection. I have low confidence and self esteem and I think that knowing someone liked me romantically might prove to me that I’m not as worthless as I feel.

Hi @Tarmac_6 That feeling is a hard one, I've been there myself. It can be hard to deal with, happy to listen if you want to talk about it more 😊

Hey @june23, Thankyou I really appreciate it. I’m just wondering how you got through feeling like that? Or if you have any tips on getting out of that mindset?

Hi @Tarmac_6, welcome to the forum.

I know that fear. I was exactly the same when I was your age. I'm in my mid 50s now and have had some time to wonder about why I struggled so long with it back then. To be hones I struggled until my early 40s, but that's a different story.

Maybe some of this resonates with you, maybe not. I will say that at only 20, you're only just starting so I wouldn't be hitting the panic button just yet. If I could go back to my 20year old self and give him some advice, it would be to be yourself. If someone doesn't like your real self, then they're not the person for you. And don't try to be something you're not, just to please other people. If you have to do that then they're not the person for you.

So I guess, for me it was about being more confident. Not confident (that was always too much)... just more confident. Just opening up to people, getting to know people and most importantly, not wasting time trying to please people who never seemed to initiate contact. It took me far to long to learn that those people will never like me enough to be what I wanted them to be, so I should have just moved on and found people who would.

So it's hard to offer much more advice without knowing more about why you feel that you are in this position. It just takes some people more time than other people, and this could be for a variety of reasons, if like me it's being more introverted and lacking self-confidence, or it could be having higher expectations from others, or it could just be bad luck. Or a combination of different things.

You said that you don't know how to accept being ending up alone. Don't accept it. You're a long way off that happening and have so much time to find that right person. Just be yourself, like yourself, and never let that voice in your head (if you have one) convince you you will always be alone. There's only one person who will make that happens.

Thankyou so much for that advice I really needed it @MJG017. I definitely resonate with what you’re saying as I’m a quite socially anxious person and not at all confident. I really appreciate all the tips and I’m going to try to take them head on 😊.

Hmmm that's a tricky one @Tarmac_6, I'd say it took me a while. Time and experience can be a great healer. I would say though, looking back, the things that really helped where focusing on working on myself and focusing on other kinds of connection and things that gave me life meaning - like friends or work or even hobbies. Once I found joy in those things, I didn't really crave romantic connection as much. Think of it as temporary distraction and then with time and space, you learn to value new things and find new ways of valuing life and yourself. And then who knows, romantic opportunities can come into your life too! I was never expecting to get a boyfriend. I got my first one at 28 🙂 Never give up, but also don't wait around in misery. Focus on healing and accepting yourself and finding the beauty in life around you.

That’s a really good point @june23. I’m just gonna try to focus on myself and I guess give myself time. Thankyou @june23 @MJG017 @Ru-bee i really appreciate you listening to me and offering me advice.

Of course @Tarmac_6 no worries. And just think, focusing on yourself now will only make you a better partner one day 🙂 I wish I worked on myself more. Let me tell you, getting a boyfriend certainly didn’t cure my low self esteem problems. I thought it would, but it can actually make them go crazy! So it’s good to heal and focus on yourself for sure 💗

No problem at all @Tarmac_6. I wish so much that I had tried to work on these things when I was your age. Life probably would have turned out a lot different. I think it's such a huge positive sign for you that you're trying to work on this now. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is wait until so much of your life has gone by before finding the courage to work on these things.

A lot of people look at those who are less confident, more introverted, and socially anxious disinterested in getting to know anyone. That's what i always thought anyway. In fact, now looking back and getting to know more people who experience the same struggles, I see some of the kindest, most supportive and empathetic people i've ever talked to. So if you can learn to let people you trust to see that side of you, they will feel like they are the lucky ones. As @june23 said, finally finding that partner doesn't always seem to be that fix-all we think it will be, but working on these parts of ourselves makes us better partners. We don't really need to change that much... I think most of us socially anxious are pretty great people to begin with... we just get so damn good at hiding it.