Just a survey

Life long .. approaching 60.

Not sure where my parents end and I begin,

Not sure about what are our strengths and weaknesses.

Self diagnosed schizoaffective at 25 and aspergers at 35. Psych said I had severe depression.

Still not sure I am properly diagnosed or if I really want to be.

Hi @Neb Have you uploaded a new pic?

wow.....there is a great spread spread of ages and experiences here. Which makes for a good forum I think. For those who had responses removed, welcome, I dont think you are properly a member until you do (this is only my opinion). Some of the forum triggers you can find a bit weird but hey thats the way it is, and as other folk have said dont feel bad about it.

@Neb I agree with you re: removal of posts!!! Sometimes content can be triggering for others for a variety of reasons but being able to write openly and honestly here shows that someone is comfotable enough to share themselves - without judgement - and that can only be a positive.

@Mummytotwo there is no need to apologise for anything - I think everyone here has had a post removed or needed refining at some stage - that just means you are 'one of the family' and you trust enough to open your heart and let others into your 'journey' - don't let this discourage you from writing about yourself or how you feel. Your openness and honesty is needed here and very much valued.

Hi @Neb - I am 56 yrs young and my struggles with mental health issues started pretty much from 7 yrs old. This was directly caused by horrific physical and mental abuse, attempts on my life, sexual abuse etc from family members - all covered up. One attempt resulted in a brain injury which caused a psychotic episode. I also displayed what they called then multiple personality disorder (just one other identity, which looking back is the minds desperate attempt to escape the horror it cannot fathom). The psychotic episode was the most frightening traumatic event, pure horror, that lasted for months. I received "no help" as everything was hushed. I dealt with hearing and seeing horrible images on my own at 7. Both disorders did resolve on there own and I have never suffered anything like it quite since. But other mental health scars and symptoms, yes. For about now 49 yrs in verying degrees. I am just a much stronger and more positive person now. But still I carry those scars.

So you could imagine the struggle in my adolescent years. The psychosis receded and I never had another episode but the mental scars came out in other ways - drinking, rebellion, anxiety, intermittent depressive episodes, substance abuse, not being able to form relationships (putting a wall up, shutting out any feelings/bonds). I appeared cold and when I had upset someone I had no remorse or empathy. Now some say that is psychopathic tendencies and indeed could of been the start. But when some have a loveless upbringing "they know no different". And growth and being a better person is usually learnt the hard way and through " the choices we make on the way". Learning to be compassionate. Took me awhile but I got there.

If that is possible for me with my background it is for anyone if they so choose.

So do I believe suffering childhood abuse is an excuse for those afflicted to committed serious crimes, an excuse for hurting others? It is certainly the breeding ground and does cause personality disorders and problems with people skills for sure - it also can cause anger problems that can land one in real trouble ( people can "snap" if they feed anger and don't work on letting it go ) - it certainly is a bad start to life and puts us behind in the race;

- "but "no" - when it comes to murder, rape, torture, cruelty to humans and animals, sexual abuse, any type of abuse/ etc - a big definite "no". Childhood abuse is no excuse for inflicting cruelty on others. That is the individuals choice. No doubt about it. And no, people " are not wired that way" and all that other rubbish. They can become ill due to abuse but The latter is a personal choice ( to revenge, through anger and bitterness or pure pleasure etc.). People who are cruel can enjoy it and gain a sick sense of power and control ( I have been a victim of them). That's a choice. Personally having been through childhood abuse I am more protective of others now as I know the agony it causes.....Again a personal choice. Mental illness is not an excuse.

I had to take responsibility for my state of mind, even if the majority was afflicted on me unfairly; I had to take responsibility for my life choices in order "to help myself and heal".

I went through life with very low self confidence which can result in feeling no control over life situations causing anxiety - and just played games in life believing nothing mattered. I suffered claustrophobia. I had no value system or faith in anything. No purpose. Just drank and partied. Yes, not stable but that's how I coped. I liked drinking because I could escape reality and it was company to me. Yes, that's strange but how neglect left me then. I could not attach to another human being as that = hurt and pain. Rather be numb, drunk.

So abuse can lead to making many unwise choices in life that can snowball and have consequences mentally. To me it's not as simple as being labelled "mentally ill". There can be so much involved - a combination of ills. A label doesn't cut it for me - as that is all it is in the attempt for professionals to try and discern the best forms of treatment. My clinical psychologist back years ago told me that only serious mental disorders such as bi- polar, schizophrenia, "major/physchotic" depression and the like were considered " mental illness" and the rest was manageable personal problems causing "mental anguish". I am inclined to agree. There is a big difference going by my own history.

I struggled most of my life and it wasn't until I decided to find meaning, purpose and faith in my life (and stopped playing games and took life more seriously) that I started to improve. Also I had to look after myself better physically (no drink etc, and exercise). And learn to think more positively with hope. Also the big one was to let go of the past not looking back. To let go and resign to what is on the present.

I also suffered menopause and thyroid disorders that put me through the worse physical depression and anxiety that I had ever known. A strong tranquilliser I was put on caused bi-polar - which took 4 years for the brain imbalance to right itself with the right medication. I am not on anything now except the ocassional sleeping med.

But life is not a bed of roses and I still have much adversity in my life. What helps me mentally is the love of my husband and hanging on to that purpose and meaning. And taking the opportunity of the peaceful times, grabbing them with both hands. But with all the adversity I have faced and still do to me the struggle is still worth it and life still a gift. I have mental scars, they will never go - it's just learning to move forward and focusing on what matters now that kept me going to 56. The love in my life and the lives I can touch, to me is what it is about. But Believe me I had very good reasons to end it - but realised that isn't the answer.

Still struggling. Not because of my past, mainly because of what my daughter is putting me through. But I a survivor like you. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth. Hope my life experience helps your survey (with a little added info lol). 🤗

hello @Neb and all others

My first psychoanalyst believes it was when I was young,possibly pre-teen. I lived in a world of haze and just thought I was different.

so over 50 years but did have a reprieve of about 8 years.

I dont really think about it like that any more. I just feel now that the symptoms are part of my character.

welcome though

many supporters on here

we all have different styles

we have better days and worse days and leaves of absence and returns

always someone here to listen

stay safe love yourself

@Neb. I recall a significant depressive episode when I was around 8 years old, and I had terrible anxiety from as early as I can remember. At around 14 years of age I had a major depressive episode (diagnosed retrospectively), from which point my life was a constant struggle. I was prescribed antidepressants as a teenager but they seemed to not help at all. I was eventually misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder, and the antidepressants I was prescribed were either useless or caused scary moods. It wasn't until my life totally fell apart and I was hospitalised that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (about 3 years ago, when I was 40 years old), for which the medication has been remarkable. I have been stable for a couple of years, however I am still cyclothymic, so my moods go slightly higher and lower (mostly lower) than normal.

Oh sweet I have seen everybody in this illness pptsd and BPD multi I even was told I'm 45 started therapy at 16 .Starting therapy again but who ?