GoldFinchCasual Contributor
Hello
I’ve been searching for years for an online support forum for depression. I’ve tried many and gave up after a while because I just felt worse. I’ll see how this goes.
I don’t want to get into a long narrative of my past as I’m 69 and I’d be writing for hours. I also feel I’m at a place now where I can’t be “fixed.” I am who I am and what I am and I just want a safe place to share and rant and cry and hold on for just one more day.
No, I’m not suicidal. I have two cats who I love dearly and no one to take care of them. I won’t leave them. Also, I lost my dog last year. To give you an idea what that means to me, my vet said she has never seen a stronger human-dog connection than the one Daisy and I had. It wasn’t just an occasional, yearly checkup observation as we saw her once a month. Daisy had arthritis and was getting acupuncture. I am a Christian and I know Daisy is waiting for me in heaven. I won’t jeopardize that reunion with suicide.
“Severe Clinical Depression” is what my medical record says. I can sum up the root cause in two words - “alcoholic parents.” My depression went undiagnosed and untreated until I was in my early 40s. Why? Because I was in the military and, at that time, it was not talked about.
I’ve tried therapy at different times with different people and it always ended badly. I won’t go again. I’ve been on meds for years which don’t really work anymore. Last year, I went to a psychiatrist to get some new medication. That ended worse than all the other times, so I’m back on the stuff that doesn’t really work.
My life now is getting up at 3 or 4AM, have some coffee and muck around on the internet for a couple of hours. I then feed the birds and tidy up outside and around the house, maybe do some laundry. I then try to quilt for an hour or two, although, more and more I see the futility in that as I have about 100 quilts that will end up who knows where. I have enough fabric to last me until I die, so at least I’m not spending more money. I go to the gym two days a week, most weeks and ride my bike some days. I go to bed at 4 or 5, read, sleep, and start all over. I can go for days without speaking to anyone.
The loneliness is overwhelming to the point of physical pain. People say, “You just need to…” All of you who are suffering with depression know how aggravating those words are and would never say them to another depressed person. We flippin’ KNOW what we “need to just!” If we just could, we wouldn’t be depressed!
I guess what I’m looking for here is people who understand; who won’t say “you just need to;” who will just listen and encourage me to take one more step. I hope, too, maybe I can help someone else.
Thanks for reading this.
