Because I want to share myself

Hi,

After years of trying to find someone to listen to me, I learned to give up on wanting to share my thoughts, struggles and opinions with others. But after all this time, I still wanted to do this so here I am. So if are kind enough to read it till end then let me thank you in advance for showing interest in knowing me.

(I was the middle child, but I request you to not take me as a typical middle child). Being 2nd in everything, but I was treated like a last, a last that came after all my siblings or maybe not even existent. I wasn't very much interested in gaining anyone's attention except my mother's who never gave me that warmth she gave to others, I didn't know why, as much as I think about the reason the only explanation I came up with was "She never held me dear to herself, she too was a victim of following the social norm of not treating every child equally". I was a dull kid, dull in everything, studies, socializing and everything else and hence was not appreciated for anything. Even if by mistake i did something good, I was mocked for it saying it was due to my luck or else I wouldn't have had it done. Maybe that's why I never got the self-confidence needed to strive independently, it affected me so bad that I feared even going out on my own. But something changed in my teen years. I shined, I shined so brightly that now I have tears in my eyes remembering about it. I don't know how that happened, how I was so happy and worked so hard to excel in everything. I felt so confident that I felt I was enough for myself. I didn't needed anyone or any support to get through anything. But then came one life changing decision for me.

I want to keep this a gender neutral story, but I had to mention that being a she/her I faced many restrictions and limitations just because I was a girl. In order to breakthrough the limitations that were put on me and trying to set myself free, I escaped out from everything hoping to strive even better and fly as high as I could see. But from there. things took an ugly steep jump, from the heights of my dream into the valley of real life. This all happened in my twenties, when people try to sort their way or direction in life and I found myself lost. So lost that often or almost everyday I did nothing, I sat lonely in my room surrounded by four walls and looking into nothing for hours all stressed. I felt myself alone, so alone that even the tik tik of the wall clock started comforting my loneliness. I had no one around me, no one I could reach to. My work was going bad, so bad that I wanted to quit everyday. I had zero social life, no friends, no acquaintances and my superiors were always dissing me for my lacking progress and inability to do anything. I started thinking, I wasnt like this before coming here, then what happened?

That one decision to set myself free worked only to free my physical being but not mentally. The loneliness struck me so hard that all my traumas came back at me, all those little things that I though I might have forgotten and moved on from, all came back afresh into my memory limiting my day-to-day activities and even making me feel more lonely and anxious than ever. Everyday started feeling like a stretch, my facade of self-confidence shattered so badly that I didnt wished to do anything, nothing made me happy anymore. I was left with depression and got extreme social anxiety to the point I started working from home (more confinement to myself) out of fear, anxiety and stress. I felt sick for no reason, almost everyday. I didnt felt hungry for hours and hours and when I pushed myself to eat something, food would get stuck in my throat or worst thing happened, I developed digestive issues as well. Then even if i felt hungry, my heart rejected in fear of the issue I will have with digesting it. But I had to force myself to eat, in order to survive, because I couldnt afford getting sick to the point of passing out, knowing I would have been left dead like that with no one around. Whenever I wanted to talk or listen to someone about anything, I had no one around, even the smart networking didnt helped much because others are so busy in life to even spare a minute for me so i stopped communicating as well, not to fell ashamed and sad of contacting them and getting ghosted. And my emergency contact is left empty, there is no one around me who I can list as.

Things are still on a rough patch. I am about to enter my thirties but days seems to be passing just like that. If one day, someone will open my journal, they would find it filled with my tears that i shed almost ever night and two lines "I dont want to die. I want to live." Yes, although i felt like dying everyday but I dont want to. I want to live. I dont want to die. I have been living alone by myself for the past 4 years and before that I was living among people but still felt alone. I dont know which loneliness I would prefer because both hurt the same way. I developed mental and health issues and traumas that dont leave my brain. I felt helpless to do anything. Even myself seem like a burden on me. I dont know what I am doing with life. I am too tired for anything and too restless to sit back not to worry and feel relaxed. I couldnt come clean about my situation with anyone, in fear of being called incompetent, lazy and whatnot. I feel stressed about everything. I dont find comfort in anything. I try so hard to find something meaningfull to help me survive, but all my efforts end up in nothing as if someone has put a curse on me to stop where I am. But the time is running. I cant afford being stopped. I still try everyday, everything still pulls me down, my emotions, stress and everything. I dont know how to keep moving. I feel like useless, I dont know where my efforts are going. I feel helpless. I am left in pain by myself.

Sorry if it triggered you but that's how my life been. I cannot be more discrete about my life experiences going into more details as to why I have traumas and anxiety issues but they are there with me and I dont feel comfortable to share them with anyone, even I hid the reasons from myself to not wording them out even by mistake and hurt me again.