Triggered and messy

I have CPTSD, much of it related to 2 decades of DV.

I am recovering slowly, so, so slowly. With soooooo much work.

Today, in a totally unrelated event, the cashier at the service station locked me and a few other people in the store.

He suspected some teens of stealing. Icecreams or something, I don't care. And he rolled down the roller door and I was trapped.

I couldn't think. I took some terrible footage. It was only a few minutes, but I didnt know in the moment that it wouldn't be forever, or violent, or I don't know any of these people, and even if I did, I don't care.

I didn't lose my sh*t. I think that might have made things worse, I don't know. I hate the freeze response so much.

The non emergency police line keeps me on hold for 45 minutes and then tells me to try again. Crimestoppers says they can't take that kind of report.

This is going to set me back so f*cking far. How am I going to pay for fuel again? How am I going to work and sleep and go into any building with one exit, or anywhere I don't know.

It's not fair. It's been years. Why do strangers get to have so much power over my whole life without even noticing?!?!