Need help and advice

@Stuck1984 good on you for having the courage and strength to reach out.

You mention about a possible personality disorder, just wondering if you've spoken to your GP about a mental health care plan and getting assessed.

In regards to avoidance and lack of trust, that is completely understandable given your experiences. But with that and all the other symptoms you have I would say counselling and medical attention is needed.

In my experience getting back with an ex is a big mistake, as they don't change, you left for a reason, even if the reason was another girl, your feelings for your wife didn't stop you at the time.

I understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone in the world and losing everything, even to this day I am self sabotaging (subconsciously) my life, I have gradually been destroying my life through my actions, isolating myself from friends and family, destroying the lives of those around me, not intentionally of course, but through my mind not thinking rationally.

How can you change? well it's hard work, firstly you need to learn to love and accept yourself, if you can't love yourself how can you love another? be gentle on yourself, show some self compassion. Look at all the aspects of yourself, Identify why you have behaviours and character traits. Can any negative behaviours / traits be changed? if yes, look at the steps to change and take those steps, if no, change the way you see those negatives and find the triggers / causes and avoid them.

Stay strong, don't be afraid to reach out, you are not alone, others have and are experiencing what you are going through.

You'd be surprised how many people in your life care about you.

hey @Stuck1984 firstly, welcome to the forums!

i'm so sorry to hear that life has been really rough for you recently. feeling like you've lost everything must be a really heavy thing to sit. it takes a lot of strength in sharing your story and reaching out, so i hope you're proud of yourself for taking that first step.

i second @Former-Member's suggestion around reaching out to a GP and getting a referral to chat to a therapist/psych/counsellor, etc. from my experience, it can be really relieving to get things off your chest and be offered some new perspectives and strategies from professionals.

i hear how lonely this must feel, but please know that you are not alone. we're here to listen. thing CAN and WILL get better with time, so do go easy on yourself. it might feel scary now, not knowing what will happen next, but this is also an opportunity to start new - to start your healing journey - and making that start can feel scary too, but it doesn't mean it's a bad thing.

sitting with you.