Hey @Ember19
I wanted to share something that might be helpful for you, and it might give you some answers.
I have shared a section of the topic discussed in this episode and included the link to access all the information.
https://www.psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/episode-148-karen-horney-neurosis-and-human-growth?rq=self%20hatred
What Are Self-Hate and Self-Contempt?
As a part of this pride system, Horney introduces self-hate and self-contempt. As she states, “pride and self-hate belong inseparably together; they are two expressions of one process” (Horney, page 109). Pride in the ideal self leads to hatred of the true self. The expression of the neurotic process involves both. As Horney states, “the glorified self becomes not only a phantom to be pursued; it also becomes a measuring rod with which to measure his actual being” (Horney, page 110). This leads to self-hate and self-contempt.
These are strategies employed by the pride system to help keep down the real self throughout these pursuits of glory and perfection. In order to distance the idealized, false self even more from the true self, self-hate and self-contempt continuously fight to devalue the real self; “There is the unique, ideal person; and there is an omnipresent stranger (the actual self), always interfering, disturbing, embarrassing” (Horney, page 111). The more that hatred and contempt for this self grows, the more disdain and repulsion there is for the true self. This drives that desire for the false self even more, adding to the cycle of neurosis and stunting the growth that would lead to self-actualization. It breeds war within the self.
The concept of self-hate (along with pride) is what helps determine the shoulds as discussed in early chapters of the book. The more the individual dislikes themselves, the more they believe they “should” be something or someone else. However, the individual may also want to protect themselves from their own self-hatred by trying to soothe anxieties, blame others, or take it out on others. This can occur “when a person is on the verge of realizing, unconsciously, that he cannot possibly measure up to his particular shoulds” (Horney, page 121). It becomes a form of defense against the anxiety of accepting the reality of their true self.
In addition to trying to avoid their own anxiety of acknowledging and accepting their true self, an individual may also feel anxious and therefore opposed to others seeing their true self. This can become a form of externalizing or projecting an individual's own insecurities. That is to say, they may “externalize the self-accusations [they] may feel that everybody is imputing ulterior motives to everything [they do]” (Horney, page 129). The insecurity grows to a point that the self-hatred they feel becomes assigned to an external hatred from those around them. The hatred is projected to those around them, where it may feel less internally conflictual.
Related to self-hate comes the concept of self-contempt: “undermining self-confidence” (Horney, page 132). This is the need to compare oneself. In every situation, they look at those around them and think that those individuals are somehow better than they are or have an advantage. While a neurotic individual believes they should be better than everyone else, they may not always see themselves that way. Additionally, they become vulnerable to the criticisms of others because of the anxiety that these criticisms create. This can eventually lead to the feeling that the individual themselves is at fault and therefore worthy of the abuses of those around them. Because they rely on external validation of their greatness, they will internalize these criticisms as wholly true. They are unable to reflect on these criticisms, to consider whether they are valid and consistent with their sense of self. Instead, they are accepted as wholly true of the self.
Overall, the concepts of self-hatred and self-contempt drive the desire for the ideal self (and its validation) while introducing the insecurities and self doubts that the individual must also face and overcome. The consequence of this can be summarized with the comment that “when he makes a pact with the devil, who promises him glory, he has to go to hell—to the hell within himself” (Horney, page 154).
I have other information and advice I can share if you want me to share my pearls of wisdom. 😁
P 🤗
