Keeping it together

Welcome to the forums @Ember19 @Ed1975 . It's great to to have you with us. Thank you for sharing.

@Ed1975 I know this feeling well. I feel like...for me though, I've been told by friends that I "should" be happy, that life is good and I "should" be enjoying it. I even had my Mum tell me recently, "you're always negative...you always see the bad things that could happen." I just feel...judged by my friends and family, so I don't tell them anything about how I feel or what's going on for me.

I also don't want people at work to know. I don't want people to treat me any differently, or want anyone making adjustments for me. I don't ask for help or communicate at work other than, "I'm good" or "I'm okay" even if I'm not.

I don't have advice but I share the experience and can empathise with how you feel.

@Ed1975 it is tiring, I agree.

People have given me advice around, just being your authentic self and the right people will gravitate towards you. The wrong people may head off on their merry way, but it makes room for the right people, for people who accept you as you are. I've not managed to reach that place myself yet.

They say often the clown is sad underneath. Humour is a valuable skill though @Ed1975

A lot depends on how we manage it. I am trying to walk a zigzag line including the funny side of life with the serious and the sad.

Hey @Ember19 @tyme @NightFury

I some ways I had a lot of responsibility thrust on me that the main motivation for not expressing a lot and needing to cover up my feelings was more than just masking. It was more of a coping skill.

Clown or not, it seems that is the only coping mechanism you've been able to use for a while @Ed1975 @Ember19 . I hear how hard it is.

At the same time, we can't expect you not to use that coping mechanism without something else in your toolkit.

Have you tried anything else that might be just as, or more, effective?

@Ed1975 yup I live with my 'im fine' mask on. I've literally been told that I can't be that bad on the inside because I function on the outside. I force myself to do what I need to do for my kids. I live with my in-laws and my mother in law is very particular about house work and cooking though so she does do most of it. But even now I got out of the mental hospital yesterday and even though I still feel as unstable as when I went in Ive had my mask on.

My hubby and in-laws had never been around someone with significant trauma and complex mental health issues before

@Twilightsomniac yes, I think it makes them feel super uncomfortable. My ex partner is very supportive but mostly just sits there waiting for me to speak. She just doesn't know what to say right now. I feel sorry for them. I feel like I'm a burden, TBH.

@Ed1975 yeah I'm the same my hubby and in-laws have had 2 funerals within a month and then hubby and I went to a memorial service for a friend of mine then here I am adding to everything by being mentally unstable and going to the hospital