Life goes on but I can’t

Hi @Keli ,

Sorry to hear about your loss.. Can only imagine what you are going through..

I just want to say, your son will continue to be with you, in your memories, in your heart.. All the beautiful memories you have with him, those are the gifts from him, to you.

We are here with you.

Hi @Keli. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can't imagine how difficult it must be or you, and with the 1 year anniversary coming up, it must be an especially tough time for you.

I feel like it's important right now to be gentle and kind to yourself and know that no one can expect you to be the same person as you were before. It's such a huge loss in your life and you are doing so much more than just surviving, you are dealing with so much and remembering and honouring your son while just dealing with everything else in your life.

It's perfectly okay if you don't feel like you feel up to revisiting grief counseling right now. It will always be there as an option if you change your mind. With all of it, take your time and try not to feel rushed or pressured into doing anything you don't feel ready for. It's your grief and loss and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. There is also no time limits here in how you keep hold of your love and memories if him.

It must have been hard to even reach out here. I hope you find it helpful to share your feelings and grief here without the pressure of actual counseling. So do your best to let go of any expectation you feel are on you and just continue to take care of yourself through this most difficult of times and just continue to love and cherish the memories of your son. It clear that you are still in a lot of pain, any parent would be after the loss of a child, and i know it must be hard to see a way forward right now and feel lost. That's completely understandable to feel this way. But you are still important and the love and memories you hold for you son is still important. You don't have to force anything, just take things one step at a time and grieve without rushing or pushing yourself into places your aren't ready for. Someone once told me that a person is never really gone while there is still someone to love and remember them. I wasn't really sure I understood what it really meant until I was forced to face my own mortality and I know now how truly important it is. Please never feel like you need to forget him, but remember that you can do that while being kind to yourself as well.

We're here for you Keli if you need to talk, or just someone to listen.

Grief is not that simple hey @Keli There is no time frame nor simple way to 'move on'. Most days are just about getting through. Life does get a little easier with time but that time is different for everyone. What will never change is your love and the massive hole left in your life. Thinking of you ❤️

The first year is the hardest @Keli it is not very long, I can understand about keeping his ashes a while longer. There is no right way to grieve. Honour his life and your grief in the most wholesome way for you. Suicide is such a complicated grief. You didn't know he was so depressed and even if you did, you may not have been able to prevent it. It is natural to reflect on various aspects but part of the grief work seems to be finding a way to carry him inside your imagination. I found a silly way to imagine my brother sitting on a cloud in heaven looking down on us all struggling, sometimes I wave to him, sometimes I have banter, like silly sibling teasing. It's alright for you up there. ... Try being down here mate. .... I guess it is my way of having some inner ongoing relationship with him. I definitely wanted to join him. It took a decade to stop crying and ruminating. Every one's grief journey is unique. Sometimes journalling helps.... He took his life 30 years ago.

@Appleblossom Thank you. I have decided to keep his ashes for now. I know it might sound weird but having them here brings me a sense of comfort like he is here in a way.
I have been journaling since about a month after I lost my son, much of it is probably just rambling but it helps a bit to put thoughts onto paper.
I like the thought of your brother on a cloud in heaven, such a lovely thought. I am not ready to think of Cody like that but I do talk to him sometimes. Tomorrow is his first heavenly birthday so we are ordering Banjos which was one of his favourite take aways and buying a Coles mudcake again one of his favourites.
Suicide is definitely a complicated grief, sadness, guilt, pain, anger and waves of all of that. And sometimes I feel shame too even though I know I shouldn’t. And then guilt for feeling that! I still want to be with him too and sometimes I find myself justifying taking such a step but then look at my cats.

@MJG017 Thank you.

Yes it was hard to reach out here but that day I needed to talk and I am thankful that I was able to do so here. I don’t feel able to talk about my son in my social network anymore as I find when I mention him I either get an uncomfortable look or they start saying they’re sorry and I don’t need them to be.

Capybaras have special meaning to me now as my son loved them so we have lots of capybara stuff around the house! I agree, grief is unique. 💕💕