Newbie with worsening symptoms

Not sure what forum my post belongs in but I will try here.

i first showed signs of depression in 2010 after the failure of my first pregnancy.

i was hit with post natal depression in 2012 after the birth of my first after

a while i thought i was better so I ceased my treatment protocol.

in 2015 I had my second child and again was very depressed saw a hospital referred psychologist and almost ended up in a mum and baby unit.

it was recommended I try something new as i started showing signs of struggling again and so it was pulled back yet again under the new protocol.

after a work place peer issue i ended up on prior treatment again in December i have been on it ever since while on this path my symptoms have got worse i now have day time panic/ anxiety attacks and am really concerned that i have no control.

the loss of control impacts me greatly as its the one thing i regard highly and i don’t understand how i have ended up here .

i have struggled to sleep since January and it all fell apart when i went on annual leave from work I am now a unplanned 3rd week of leave unable to function most days without crying.

im due to go back to work on 28th.

tomorrow i go onto a new treatment.

things i have tried during this latest episode

- colour/ art therapy- to control anxiety

- herbal sleep aids

- currently moved my 9 yr old sleeping in with my husband so I can have my own sleep space

- vaporiser and low light bedtime routine

no caffeine late at night

- even a brand new double bed in my sons room to provide a comfortable sleep

- we went costal for a week and I almost ruined the holiday with my inability to sleep.

- I have tried guided meditation with a mental health app it has not worked.

im tired I am scared and I don’t have control over what is happening to me. I have never had the agitation and anxiety I’m getting this time around.

i have a mental health care plan and currently started seeing a psychologist yesterday who I will be seeing weekly.

Currently needing assistance to help me sleep when I’m at my worst and tired of being tired.

i have no friends left and worry about the impacts to my family if I can’t get this under control.

after explaining it all to the psychologist she called out that there is another key thing I need to work on which is my self esteem as even now my focus is the impacts on others and I’m still not putting myself first.

feeling like a failure and a bad mum and partner.