amonrae04Senior Contributor
My story
Hi All
I'm going through a very difficult period in my life right now and wanted to find an outlet to share what I'm going through. For those that suffer with depression I'm grateful to have the opportunity to talk to my family however they find it hard to understand what this disease does to people and so they can't relate and I'm hoping to find a group that can relate with me.
I'm a 39 yo male with a wife and two young children. My father committed suicide when I was aged 12 and my mother is an alcoholic since that time (fortunately in an extended period of sobriety).
I've been afforded many privileges and things to cherish in my life due to the above circumstances my siblings and I are very close and I have a lovely partner and my children are healthy and thriving. I have suffered periods of depression usually post breakups and they have been hard and I have definitely due to the depression found it harder to bounce back and brush off as others might.
Earlier this year after managing some difficult situations at work and facing into stressful situations a truck hit me (not literal) but fight or flight was activated and I experienced the most intense period of panic I had ever experienced. It lasted for a weekend and I managed to navigate the situation at work and thought I was in the clear. And then boom a couple of weeks later a seemingly inoxiuous thing I had to do at work and that feeling of absolute dread. Again fight or flight activated. I freaked out what is happening to me? Why do i feel this way? I went and saw my gp I had been on my antidepressants for ten years maybe a switch in medication will help? So we switched it up and over the next three weeks I went to work each day an absolute ball of anxiety and stress. I lost a lot of weight [edited by moderator] in three weeks. However I started to feel better! Then again a situation I would normally feel nervous but manageable at work and the dread again!!
I had a trip planned overseas to try and improve my mood and I spent the whole trip with a relative who lived overseas spiraling with anxiety and now depression. What's wrong with me? I kept thinking.
I came back from overseas tried to go back to work but it was too overwhelming. That was three weeks ago. I've been seeing a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist for the last two weeks. I'm eight weeks into the medication switch and honestly I dread waking up every morning. I sit in the shower each day just thinking about how to get myself out of feeling this way. Suicide I think about it (would never do it because of the impact my father's suicide has on us) but it's all think about to end the pain.
Most people would say dude your jobs causing this just leave? Catch is I have a family/mortgage and this is my career that I've invested years into cultivating for myself. Walking away into the unknown is not the easy for me. Im depressed I've lost all confidence in myself how will I go and interview with another company?
For my childhood security left me and I had to navigate it myself believing that all I could rely on was myself and now I'm letting myself down and being the cause of my own insecurity.
Why cant I just be the way that I was? Confident, self assured, manageable I miss that version of myself. I feel like a shell of the person I was now and all i see is dark.
The blessing I have and I know other people don't have this so I never take it for granted is people in my corner rooting for me and reaching out to support me. Some days I feel like I'm letting them down with my endless depressive demeanor I'm sure they are thinking what cant he just get better?
Anyway internet that's me that's my story. I hope anyone that reads this this ok and just know your not battling this alone I'm over here fighting the day struggle to live another day with you.
