Wow @Uggbootdiva
Listen to you - it is great that you see the inter-generational stuff coming through. It can be a very powerful motivater to change - we know what it feels like to live with it & the aftermath. It has been a huge ongoing learning curve for me, but one I am very grateful for. That we have a big anchor (MI) tied to our psyche can really make it hard going to learn a new way of relating, but we can do it. Keep at it my friend.
You know a while back I think you said you had a good childhood? Being bullied is emotional abuse, and this can in many ways be the most insidious type of damage - even more so than physical or sexual abuse because it is not as overt -so we tend to minimise it and the effects even more. So you have survived this, but have a horrible MI which is hard to live with, but in spite of that you are doing all you can to be very honest about your own parenting struggles, to get help and to change.
I know how hard it is to find some of the uglier aspects of our parent's behaviour in our own, and to feel like you are a terrible person and an abusive parent because you are doing it too! It is excruciating, I have been there many times. This is the internal harsh critic doing it's worst. It can take a lot to be more even-handed in this view, and question the real validity of it. Do I sometimes do things like my mum did? Yes. Do I feel a great deal of self-loathing over that? Yes. A more thorough and logical comparison usually shows me that I stray ocassionally into territory she lived in all her parenting years, with never a glimmer of her taking responsibility let alone remorse. It is the latter that is the big tell-tale difference. We battle the internal ground to be better parents so we don't keep on hurting our kids. This is the gift of love, being willing to suffer oneself to spare another.
Intergenerational stuff is very powerful - that is why it is SO hard to break. I used to feel like I had several generations of bitter twisted spiteful old women (from my mum's family) all looking over my shoulder hissing and spitting venom ("you'll spoil that baby") because I dared to rock my babies and sing to them before putting them into bed. It was scary and confronting, but that was a lot easier to deal with than more insidious stuff. A choice to not use emotional abuse requires a huge self-reeducation on healthier ways to speak to oneself and one's children. That's a long-term project and can only be taken one step at a time.
Stuffing up is entirely human. Owning it and working on it is love in action. That is what you are doing. Keep journeying my friend - you are doing well.
Hope endure...
Kindest reagards,
Kristin
PS As you know I have been struggling with my 6yo these hols too - mainly because I have been in a pretty bad place at times. Well this afternoon in the car we had one of those totally priceless moments when it is all worthwhile because they have their own beautiful sunshine. She had found a hospital sick-bag in the bathroom cupboard (her sister used to get terribly car-sick) and she decided she wanted to take it in the car down to Melbourne because "the city air is bad and makes me feel sick". So I let her. At Mt Evelyn (suburban outskirts) she tells us proudly that she's filled the bag with country air so she can breathe it when we get to the city!
