hey @Uggbootdiva
I can totally relate. I have spent the better part of these "holidays" trying to keep the lid on my own anger and despair. Incredibly irritable and easily wound up - and yes it is easy to hate oneself for feeling this way for "no reason". You mean none that seems good enoug, or no apparent good reason.
From a compassionate point of view (oh so much easier to practice with others than oneself - I include me in this!). I could suggest that living with bipolar (no matter how rosy or not the rest of life is) is pretty rough going a lot of the time, and any stress makes it harder; it is school holidays and although the sound of kids playing and laughing can be lovely it can also add to the irritablitly - much worse if they end up bickering, or complaining about being bored (favourite answer: "it's good for your imagination, make up a game or activity"). I really don't think school holidays are fun for us any more than the "festive" season is to be frank. I make no bones about doing my best to survive - without strangling my kids, or telling them I'd like to (nearly as bad).
I hear you about the sense you are frightening your kids, it is an awful reality to face (I know, been there!) - but you have both the integrity to notice and honesty to say so. And you are teaching them some not so healthy ways to deal with emotions. If you are managing not to hit them or yell abuse at them then cut yourself a little slack please. Seeing these things and acknowledging that you aren't ok about them is the first step to noticing when you're doing this, then as you're about to, then before you do, then choosing to something different. I also suggest that there is a bigger picture here you need to keep in mind, as you are learning to deal with this differently you will also teach them. Perhaps you might feel better about yourself if you start by talking with them and apologising gently?
Do you know what specifically is making you so boiling angry? Is it because life is hard? It is a reality my friend. Only those who pretend to be "normal" and buy into the media/marketing sell-job that life is meant to be or is easy. It hurts to really live, and the more consciously you try to live the more it hurts in my experience. Up to a point, because slowly things start to shift - they are not rosy all the time but there are glimmers of grace in small things I would never have noticed when I was chasing normal.
I have a beautiful friend who I reckon must be about the most loving patient person I know - and you know what she told me she had to do when her kids were younger (they're all adults now)? When she felt like she was going to lose it she'd go and hide out under the clothes line until she calmed down.
At the moment I am trying to train myself to always look my little girl in the eye when she comes to talk to me, and to give her a kiss or a cuddle or some small gesture of affection. It is hard work, it runs totally counter to how I was raised - mum always told us to leave her alone - and I never bonded with my youngest like the other two - for all sorts of reasons. So this is a big hard step, made in the midst of struggling with a heap of crap. But I want to help her, she has PTSD too, and I want to strengthen my relationship with her. So I keep working at it. I am nowhere near as far along in this as I wanted to be when I decided to work on it 18 months ago. But I am making small steps and I have to notice them or else I will despair of changing this.
The nature of change is that it is hard, and until we "get it" oft continues to be slow progress. One of the most important things is to notice when we shift from it being hard to easy, not to dismiss it. We need to give ourselves that internal pat on the back - "I did it", because recognising our own progress reinforces that we can do it, even though it is hard.
Sorry if this isn't what you were hoping for. Another thought is have you had any enjoyable adult company for yourself at all over the holidays? I found that was one of the things sending me stir crazy.
Take care of you my friend
, and keep in touch. Come and blurt on the forum when you feel like spitting the dummy if it helps 🙂 (easier said than done I know)
In the midst of sh*t (and feeling like it) hope for change still endures.
Kindest regards,
Kristin
