historical family dysfunction that still hurts me now

hi @blue_wren

i'm so sorry you had to hear that from your niece. i can see that you have so much love for her, it's hard when they say things that make us question ourselves and feel shattered.

i've had moments with my mum and sister where similar phrases were exchanged. often it was because they felt really angry/upset with something and didn't know how to express it properly. it took having multiple conversations with them to get to the actual problem and realise that their comment wasn't a reflection of me, but a reflection of them feel unheard.

i wonder if there's something more going with your niece that might've made her upset and she's taken it out on you? as you said - you know you are empathetic, compassionate and kind - and i hope don't forget that. having bad days, or having your loved ones say harsh things to you doesn't reflect on your character as a whole. you know yourself, and you know your family too - and i'm guessing this isn't typical of your niece to say so there might be more going on. would it be possible to have a chat to her about it?

Thank you for your reply.

I know there’s a lot more to all of this, and I want to acknowledge that. I also recognise that I haven’t always shown kindness, compassion, or empathy in some situations. There have been times when I’ve felt unheard and met with shame simply for holding a different perspective on my family. That’s not an excuse for lashing out — I take responsibility for the few times I’ve reacted in anger, especially in group messages over the past year. But those reactions came during one of the most difficult periods in my life, when I felt isolated, unsupported, and deeply misunderstood.

I carry a lot of shame for that, and my inner critic is relentless, telling me I deserve it. But beneath that voice is a small child who’s longed for her father’s love — love that seems freely given to my nieces but not to me. There’s also an angry teenager in me, and a hurting adult who is actively working through all of this in therapy.

I haven’t brought this up with my nieces. I did try to involve my brother in a family counselling session after I experienced a serious mental health episode last year, one that led to hospitalisation. At that time, I felt like I had nothing left — I was truly in crisis. But instead of support, I was met with shame, told I was selfish, and dismissed.

My inner critic has clung to that experience ever since. And now I find myself beginning to question whether I really am as unworthy, selfish, or broken as I was made to feel — or whether I’ve simply been carrying pain that was never mine to hold in the first place.

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@blue_wren wrote:

There’s also an angry teenager in me, and a hurting adult who is actively working through all of this in therapy.

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i relate to this so much. being constantly invalidated and unheard, especially from a young age is such a painful experience. and i'm so proud of you for reaching out, getting support and working on healing that part of you - that takes so much strength, and maybe you family might not see it - but i do. and i hope you're proud yourself for it.

i'm so sorry that you were shamed and unsupported for feeling your feelings and being you. i know that getting no support from your family can feel like a loss of trust, like a betrayal. but despite the pain, you chose to shower love to your niece and you tried to be there for your family. you are worthy - there's nothing selfish about wanting support - in fact, that's a very human need. we're social beings, we lean on each other - and it sucks that they weren't there for you. but that does NOT mean you're the problem, you deserve love and support.

@rav3n thank you so much. I really needed to hear that. Thanks for replying to me and offering another more objective perspective - my inner voice would not allow me to see it this way. I really appreciate your time x

glad to hear, feel free to reach out whenever, i'm always here if you wanna chat or need a listening ear to lean on 💙 @blue_wren

I grew up with an abusive father and anxious depressed mother. There was always lots of yelling late at night that would wake me up. I found growing up very difficult and struggled with depression myself. I am now 70, and alone. It took me a long time to recover from my past, and I still have bouts of depression.

@Salzburg hi Salzburg i am so sorry to hear about your family issues when you were young. it is hard to get past isnt it. i am here if you need to talk. greenpea

Thank you for your support.