Trying to get better

@starsmile I talk about it all the time.

You are NOT a failure for struggling to find improvement alone. We are not meant to - not just meaning we're not meant to be able to get better alone, but meaning we're not meant to be doing ANY OF THIS alone!!

We're biologically wired to be social creatures and the whole reason we were successful in our evolutionary and then technological advancement as a species is because of working together and supporting one another. Modern values of individualism are just that - modern.

And you know what I reckon? I reckon they are SO WRONG.

Western society in particular places waaaay too much emphasis on the individual, and this ideology has shaped not just the way our mental health system is run, but also everything down to our social norms and cultural patterns. So much so, that it impacts our sense of self-worth if we fail to cope with overwhelming struggles by ourselves. I internalised this myself, took a while to untablge myself from the belief that I was somehow just weak or inferior to everyone else.

You're not alone my friend, and even if you have a huge amount of professional support around you, there does still need to be good, safe, community connections too!!

I hope that even if you don't have a lot of those (not just friends and family, but I also mean kindly neighbours, understanding coworkers, people who place value on you and your time and energy) that you can find some connection here on the forums. I know I do!

But yeah like for me, I know my mental health didn't really start to improve till I had the trifecta - professional support that matches my needs, a home life that feels reasonably safe and secure, and friends with whom I could truly be my messy self (and who accepted me anyway when the mess got bad). But I will be the first to acknowledge that these things can be MONUMENTALLY HARD TO ACCESS IN MODERN LIFE. And that's not on you. You are not defective, you're just playing a rigged game.

Hugs 🫂

Hi @Jynx I liked your trifecta

What do think are the essentials for "a home life that feels safe and secure" if you don't mind me asking.

I feel having a safe place essential for me, but I feel I haven't really achieved it

@starsmile recovery from MH issues almost always involves up and down, spirals, or as you say cycles - so you are definitely not alone there.

I think recovery from MH issues is hard work

For some people MH issues can be like a chronic physical issue like arthritis or asthma and many others, where you improve a bit and then something happens and you get worse for a while and then with treatment or sometimes (but rarely) just time you get better again and then cycle repeats.

Sometimes with MH issues you learn something in a bad part of cycle which you can use next time so that the lows aren't as low, so it can get better even if there are recurrences

@starsmile you're so welcome! I'm glad to hear it, and will send some manifestation energy your way!!! *good therapeutic match let it be a good therapeutic match* 🤞🤞

@Till23 good question! Off top of my head, security (as in, rent isn't a struggle and you're not scared of getting kicked out) and control would be important factors, but also functionality, accessibility, personality and flair (i.e. how much of your 'self' is visible and present in your space) and presence (or lack) of other humans, would all be factors!!

I am about to log off for the evening, I will have more of a think and if I end up with more thoughts about it I'll throw a ramble at you!! Hehe. Feel free to also tell me a little about your home situation too, if you feel comfy sharing!

Hope you have a good night lovelies 💜

@Jynx my main problem is one of my neighbours. I do have some other lovely neighbours, but the chaotic, abusive and noisy neighbours (about 12 people live there) are annoying for everyone. I live by myself, so the constant fighting between them and threats if like a tree overhangs their yard is hard. I haven't really made this place my own because I always felt I had to move since I got here. Hopefully now I've recovered from my cancers, I can get the time and energy to move (if I can afford it and find somewhere!)

I also tried to get better growing up. Due to the nature of my trauma, having a mother with NPD, I had to fake my emotional state and pretend I was happy all the time so she could believe her delusion of being a good mother and not spiral into narcissistic rage. So it took a lot of effort and iniative for me to seek out mental health services as a teenager. I really tried and went to Headspace including a specialised program but due to the complexity of my issues and compulsion to mask I tragically didn't make the progress then that I should have. What I have learned is that you have to be brutally honest with yourself about whether you're ok or not and be very pragmatic when seeking help and keeping a clear vision of your well-being in mind. Anyway, I relate to your continued efforts. Keep going and positive change will happen. It's the law of the universe.

@Till23 oh wow that is so hectic, and so scary!! Yeah no wonder you're not feeling safe in your home space!

For me, the realisation of how much home life impacts my mental health came when I was living with a housemate who was just.... so unsuitable for me to cohabitate with. Wasn't till my friends all pointed out how much I was complaining and how much I'd withdrawn socially to realise it was an unsustainable situation. But yeah like, really hard to relax/focus on recovery/process trauma when one is in a constant state of tension. Cos that's what it was, just every time they were also home, I was uncomfortable. So yeah that was impacting my social life already, cos I had no energy left to go out and do stuff, it started to impact my work when I would resent coming home at the end of the day... It was just, everything.

I imagine it's similar for you at the moment? Not knowing when noise is gonna start up, not knowing if you're gonna get raged at... those are ongoing sources of tension that means that even in your 'safe space' you can't fully relax!

I definitely think the fact that you don't feel comfortable to put up decorations is a big sign that your space doesn't feel safe!

Thanks @Jynx yes it hasn't been the nicest place I've lived neighbours-wise.

The area itself is nice because I have a little creek behind me and therefore lots of wildlife, especially many types of birds.

Sometimes when I'm coming home I have the dread that I used when I was a child. I was scared to go home in case my abusive stepfather was there, so it's got a bit of that trauma stuff there as well. Because of my background feeling safe is so important for me to be able to relax.

Anyhow thanks for validating my feeling about it. I'm having a bit of a harder than usual time the last couple of days as I think I may have unintentionally made someone feel worse about their situation.

@Till23 oh heck, sorry to hear that hun - yeah adding in complex developmental trauma to the mix makes it extra gnarly too hey, having to deal with triggers on top of the disruptions and stuff.

Don't suppose it's one to take to the local council? It sounds like you've got a super lush spot and would be a shame to have to skedaddle due to these people 🥺

Oh no, yeah that would definitely contribute to extra feelings of vulnerability. Wanna talk about it at all?