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Emotionally exhausted. Need reality check

JeanneNew Contributor21 Mar 2025, 3:52 pm AEDT

Emotionally exhausted. Need reality check

Please be kind, I feel very emotionally sick, speaking from hurt, and have a stream of self-critical thoughts already in my mind. It's hard to summarise my whole situation, but basically my bf has photos of lots of beautiful naked women on his phone. There are none of me. When I ask him why, he says it's an extension of his mind, it's only porn, he already sees me and doesn't need photos of me. For context we got back together after a rough patch, we both didn't like taking photos of each other at that time, But now, we've lots of great memories of us but he still doesn't take photos. He also said it's due to his sexual frustration because we're not often intimate which I haven't been feeling due to my insecurity due to those photos. When i approach him with the pain I'm feeling he just keeps explaining why he did it and why it doesn't mean he doesn't find me unattractive. My feelings don't get addressed because he doesn't agree, but he's comforting me and reassuring me as I cry. He says it feels like control from me and that I need to love myself more so that I will believe him that I'm beautiful and that pictures mean nothing. He is very frustrated and says he feels misunderstood.
I said I will have to break up with him if it continues and he has to move out, because it's giving me emotional turmoil. But he says he doesn't think he can give it up because he doesn't see it as wrong. It was never really about the women, it was about me not being there at all and how small that made me feel. But to be honest I'm scared of breaking up. Together 11 years. We tried breaking up before and it felt like suffocating. I thought both break ups and fixing relationships is hard so why not just choose one, so hence we're back together, but then this happened. I feel he loves me and we are fine outside this issue. My mum can see he loves me too and my mum is very protective of me.

Can this be solvable in relationships? Is it worth throwing 11 years away for this problem instead of working on it?

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In response to: Emotionally exhausted. Need reality check

Ru-beeModerator21 Mar 2025, 4:08 pm AEDT

Re: Emotionally exhausted. Need reality check

Hi @Jeanne and welcome to the forums

That's such a hard position to be in. It sounds as though you're both feeling misunderstood here.

It's hard for anyone else to say whether this is something worth walking away from a relationship over. It's about whether it's something that you can get past, or whether it's something that the two of you can work on together.

I wonder if you'd consider talking to a couples counsellor? It can help to have someone there to help each of you understand where the other is coming from, and (hopefully) find a way forward.

Aside from that I just wanted to acknowledge that this is obviously a really painful situation and I want you to know that we're here for you while you're working through it, regardless of what you decide to do

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