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Did you leave?

JustWhelmedSenior Contributor11 Mar 2025, 3:58 pm AEDT

Did you leave?

Hi team, *trigger warning: mention of self harm*

After 7 years of trying to make everything ok for my AuDHD, CPTSD, possibly bipolar, wife and my two tween stepsons (ASD, ADHD and borderline personality disorder/attachment disorder) I actually have to give up. I'm worried I'll have an aneurysm or heart attack (I do have high blood pressure since a year into dating!) and my mental health has deteriorated significantly.

I have two kids of my own half time, and they are not getting the best of me; I'm always flat out, doing the work of my wife and her son's, or hassling them to, stressed about the latest drama my wife has caused, or keeping her alive with things get tough. Which is, literally, once a week. We never have longer than a week without her losing it (either manic, withdrawn, a mix of both, all resulting in her being in her head/on her phone for 16 hours a day)

She recently said, when I mentioned separation, that the best bet would be for her to end her life so that I get her super to pay down our home (it's my dream home, and I will lose it if/when we split). She didn't mean it as a threat, but as a solution to the burden she feels she is. It's heart breaking but also.... It feels like it's trapped me.

Her ex is being investigated for child abuse and she said "when child protection interview us, I'll just say well I have my wife, she does all the parenting" and it really hit me that that is accurate; I'm the adult with 5 kids on my own basically.

I love her, and I want her to be safe, but it's not my responsibility to be miserable and stressed so hard my neck and face ache, I guess I'm hoping for some stories from people who did leave for their own wellbeing, and how it all went?

I thought things were tough after leaving my cheating first husband but this..... Yeesh. I don't even know how to start. I feel I need to support her through the kids being hopefully investigated by child protection, but after that.... I need to find a way to afford to live on my own 😭

3 replies

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In response to: Did you leave?

RammanSenior Contributor11 Mar 2025, 4:42 pm AEDT

Re: Did you leave?

I have never faltered in my care and detail to my own 2 children's mental health struggles.

Its stupid tough and relentless; there is so little reward for the effort you put in; and from my experience there is very little support to help you on a day-2-day basis.

So you end up faced with tough choices:

Option A: Do the minimum to support yourself and maximize the care of others

Option B: Step back gather yourself up and (may be) plunge back into it

Option C: Run away because its too much.

Given your story - I am going to suggest the best may be stepping back; getting your feet back on the ground. What about looking after the children to give your wife space to get separate support; done from separate houses ? Not to isolate them from mum but to create an air gap to stop friction between parties.

Either way its super crazy hard, take a break and don't be hard on yourself.

In response to: Re: Did you leave?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor11 Mar 2025, 5:46 pm AEDT

Re: Did you leave?

@JustWhelmed Sorry you are going through so much. I developed a long term neck condition in a similarly complex family dynamic with my ex with Schizophrenia and Protective Services already involved due to his previous partner. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved myself. I know I did help the situation however my health and many biological family were damaged. Yes I did leave after 16 years. I lived 12 months under the same roof to try to keep situation somewhat stable and keep the teens engaged with overseas exchange s. I did my best. Barely got out with my life.

Go carefully. Get good advice. Meditate. Take your time but don't just sacrifice yourself.

I tried to model the most wholesome productive approach I could.

@I agree with@Ramman

In response to: Re: Did you leave?

AppleblossomSenior Contributor11 Mar 2025, 5:48 pm AEDT

Re: Did you leave?

@JustWhelmed Protective Services were involved all through my childhood. I guess it was my normal. Protective Services can make many mistakes. Your self care is important.

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