Life can be a Pain

Hi @outlander

I am making the most of it here away from the draufty wet weather in Melbourne -I'm flying back on Saturday - it's coming too soon

But I am planning to fly north again in a few weeks - to Cairns for a week next time

Dec

@Owlunar . Wow. The Glass House Mountains at sunset. I remember how stunning those mountains looked.

Keep enjoying your time up there. It will go so fast.

is there snow there my mum @Owlunar xxxx

hello @utopia , @outlander ,, @Gazza75

Hello @Shaz51 . I hope you are well

Hi @Shaz51

Snow on the Sunshine Coast - no - it is warm and sunny here and I am just about ready to leave my room and have a coffee and leave my suitcase with reception and take a walk before heading to the airport and then Melbourne when it is really bleak - what a culture shock that will be

But I have had a great time up here - it's a beautiful resort here and for families there is a lot happening with water sports - it's Saturday though and the school holidays will be over and I guess people will be packing up to return to their normal lives too

I hope to get a walk to the beach again before I leave - it's a beautiful beach here

It was wonderful spending time with my grand-daughter too - she has a comfortable and sunny upstairs flat/studio - she really has landed on her feet

Dec

@Shaz51 @utopia @outlander @Gazza75

Hi @Gazza75 @utopia @outlander @Shaz51 @BlueBay

I am home and it is really cold and raining and I am very tired after yesterday's time at the airport - so glad I had a seat to sit on in Departures - no business class comfort there

There was really bad weather in Sydney and strong wind in the north and there were delays from Melbourne and therefore to Melbourne and Sydney and my taxi driver told me that he had been waiting for a fare at Melbourne Airport for a long time so it seems that there was a lot of problems with air traffic yesterday

So apart from when I got something to eat and thought to charge my computer but changed my mind it meant I didn't leave my seat and that was a good idea - there were a lot of people standing and waiting faor a long time - it was pretty chaotic but I am a seasoned-traveller by now

The flight back to Melbourne was a bit bumpy which aggravated my spine that was already sore from sitting for such a long time in a hard chair but we got back to Melbourne safe and I got home very late - my unit was as cold as a fridge so I grabbed a couple of snacks - turned both heaters onto high and got into bed - I fell asleep almost straight away - what a day - and we all got back safely which is the most important thing

Anyway - today I am tired and of course I do have my washing and I need to get a decent homemade meal ready - I am really glad I cancelled that appointment with the psychologist at the pain clinic - I do not need to go into the past again and stir everything up. I can talk about what happened so long ago but I don't want to nit-pick around in it - I guess I have examined everything and know I did my best and what more can anyone do?

I feel unhappy enough that that the anniversary is tomorrow - I could feel it all underneath my enjoyment of the Sunshine Coast - I can tell you now that I was at Novotel Twin Waters which is an incredible place to stay - really beautiful - and the weather was something I can only imagine today - it was so warm - I wish I had taken my shorts with me - but I hadn't.

Still under all that I could feel my natural sorrow - the truth that I could see how my son's unhappy life would end and although his pain and troubled mind has been at peace all these years it was not the end of everything - it is getting easier as the years pass but I still feel it - today - I really feel it

And I don't mind being alone with it - really used to that - it's okay - I will be okay - I will always be okay

Dec

Rest up today @Owlunar

yes it’s cold and windy and I think it will rain. It’s very dark here.

You have a tough day tomorrow. I will be thinking if you.

❤️❤️

Thanks @BlueBay

I know you care but where is my mind today? Never mind - the anniversary is actually on Wednesday - but these days are hard - I have no idea what it is about an anniversary that makes it so difficult - and the events leading up to that day so long ago are imprinted in my brain

The 14th was the last day I saw him - and he was so angry - I think you would really understand better than anyone how he must have felt - I didn't think about abandonment issues then as I do now - of course I didn't leave him in the bush and the snow etc but he must have felt really desperate when I told him I couldn't take him home and that was because he had broken the law in a dramatic way.

And I saw my parents and their behaviour was egregious - I drove around the corner from their place and cried for a long time - I am glad I stopped to do that instead of driving - I had a car accident not far from their house and it wasn't my fault. As I write this a get it that I woke up feeling really bad this morning - it was more than just the weather and I am glad I wrote this because I had not thought of that yet today. These days are tough - and the first anniversary was the worst one

This is how I know that your writing here - sharing your feelings - it is an interactive journal because the rest of us can join in and give you feedback - more importantly you are letting your feelings out and not keeping them inside - not internalizing them - it's not healthy to keep things locked up inside ourselves

So after a long time when I didn't share that much about my thoughts on all of this which is the most important thing that happened to me - the thing that changed me the most and for the better - sharing them in this forum has been a real eye-opener for me - people in the forum do not run away from such truth - they aren't running away from me and they won't run away from you - they have so much stick-to-it-ivity as I could ever imagine

But yes - the day is dark and cold - this day in 1986 was cold but glorious - and how long ago that was - but time does pass and we learn as we go

Thanks BlueBay

Dec

Hi @Owlunar so many tears building up as I read this. 1986 was the year I got married.

I keep thinking about what you wtite about your son feeling abandoned because he couldn’t come back home. I know that feeling I can only imagine the pain he was in but for you also. The deep pain as a mother. I csnt wtite it’s too emotional right now.

Ill need to come back later. Lots of love ❤️❤️

That was the year you got married - that does make it more poignant @BlueBay - and you had to wait a long time for your daughter to be born as I did - I think you had miscarriages as well - we share this kind of experience which adds to our learning curve

I understand - you would tear up identifying with both of us at that time - I didn't know much about MI back then and only got the BPD diagnosis from a psychologist who did post-mortem Dx for people who had lost family members to suicide - and that was recent - there really was very little help back then - amazing to think about the changes since then - my son's death was something that triggered off a lot of changes in the Juvenile Justice System here - something good to know - it's something that has helped me to deal with it and I involved with it back then

Answer when you are ready - I understand

Dec