Life can be a Pain

❤

Thanks @utopia @Zoe7 @BlueBay @Faith-and-Hope

I can let the issues with my brother go - it really isn't my problem and everyone involved is an adult so today as enough bothers of it own without inventing any more

Today is the anniversary of my son going into Juvenile Detention - I looked up the records I have kept in a folder an inch thick - I did so much work in the past - I actually think it was a creative way of dealing with the complex issues surrounding my son but today I feel really bleak

I remember the day he went into Juvenile Detention - a couple of days before the police had him in their custody and wanted me to bring him home until he went into dentention but what was the point of doing that? He would have run off again so I asked them to keep him in the lock-up overnight I think - and rang the next day to see how things were going -

I keep reminding myself I did all I could and more than was really viable for me as my stress levels were so high and maybe it was reading all of that stuff yesterday - I had someone here who is taking a great interest in what happened in the past and there are somethings on the internet but not everything - I have all the hard copies off those times - I was glad enough to share but today I feel exhausted and my back has been bad so I haven't taken the walk I normally would to work it off

It's all a long time ago now - still there are days when I feel the devastation all over again and yet I feel I have more inside me to deal with it - I hope so - I am really tired today - these days come to pass -

As for the therapist at the pain clinic who is supposed to deal with traumatic loss - it's really good I can find my own way out of les miserables - it's nearly four months since I was there last and I haven't heard anything about it - if I needed to hold my breath that would have been really bad

Thanks everyone

Dec

@Owlunar

really hits the spot @Appleblossom - perfect

Dec

Definitely one of those days to just get through today @Owlunar It is okay to remember these dates but not to dwell too much on the what ifs or maybes as you did all that you could do under the circumstances at the time. You seem to have worked through so much and are in a much better place about it all now.

Thanks @Zoe7

It has been a tough day and it's nearly over - I went to sleep watching TV and remembered a load of washing I had started but not hung out - it's a pleasant evening

Through those years I made some hard choices and never thought my life as a waste of any kind - in retrospect we live our lives day by day and in later life we can see it all with perspective not present in earlier years

It was my life and definitely worth living - yes - I have hard days - I have survived everyone of them so far - haven't we all

Dec

You are right @Owlunar we live our lives day by day and I am learning that is the best way to do it. We are indeed moulded into the who we are now by our past but we cannot let the negative experiences define us. There is no point looking back, having regrets or wishing things had been any different as we cannot change our past. It is learning to live with that past though that we often have difficulty with. You seem to have made more peace with your past in an attempt to move forward and that shows strength. That strength often comes with time and a recognition that we cannot change our past but we can learn from it in going forward.

@Owlunar

❤️ @Owlunar

Sending you love and hugs

Hi @BlueBay @utopia @Zoe7 @Appleblossom

I slept for a long time last night - it was late when I went to bed - I actually tidied my place up a lot - I felt okay and went straight to sleep and woke up for my medication and to push the red button on my MEPACS alarm to let them know I had survived the night and went back for glorious sleep until around 11.00 am I think and feel okay this morning

I think I let my regrets go a long time ago for the past is what it is and can't be changed - I am actually glad this is the case because what would our lives be like to day if we had that power - it beggars belief - I know I did all I could and the choice I made at the beginning was before I knew what would happen - 50 years ago now - half a century - that is a long time.

My mother died full of regrets - I saw her a few days before her stroke and she was really helpless - she was deaf and couldn't hear and had reached a stage where she couldn't speak either - I could see her sorrow and who knows - I would not like my bossy, self-centred sister in charge of my life - I had compassion - I still have compassion - for that shell of a woman dying with so much misery for her poor choices - it was her choice and I have not regretted being the stronger, better person.

It is quite something to get up and walk away from such family stuff - and what families do not have it all to some degree? I cleared my mind from the failure of my sister to live up to her duty of care - I did it again at a family party last year - I no longer want any part of it but it happens to be the truth - families have parties or funerals or gatherings where we have to meet the past in some form - but I can deal with that and I can deal with days like yesterday too - they will come to pass - thank God they always pass

So it's late and I have things to do but I did the important stuff last night - I think I need a new fridge - getting a new one is easier than sending this one away for repairs - that would be a major disruption in life. I have to work on that one - I don't feel as if today is the day for dealing with it. At least it's still working even if it's not efficient

Thanks for your support everyone - it's not at all easy for me to open up but it feels better when I do

Dec

Boring